How are you confident that you are "trying your best"? What does that even mean?

[Whycantigetitright]

I struggle with this. Whenever I'm trying to do something, and generally being a bit shit at it, I have no way of honestly assessing if I'm trying 100% my best or not.

There is always, always a voice pointing out I should be trying harder, pushing more, berating and scoffing for my shit efforts. I think it is because I am so mediocre at everything, I never see results that sort of show me my efforts are respectable? It's difficult to explain.

How do you know you're doing your very best? How do you recognise what that is?

It's more about how you know you are honestly doing your best and cannot reasonably do any better, rather than what other people could be thinking. Because if you are confident you could not have done any more you can't beat yourself up.

I think most of the time, I could probably always do more or do better. To me it's about doing well enough for the desired outcome. I find perfectionists to often be inefficient, endlessly redoing and checking things that are already done to the required standard. Not everything needs to be excellent and pursuing that can be detrimental to for example a deadline or another person's work, not to mention your mental wellbeing.

Maybe that's not what you are talking about though. Do you mean you find it hard to know when you've done the best you could possibly do, or the best you needed to do? Or knowing which is appropriate?

I always think ‘doing your best’ is always about being in the right frame of mind to do something rather than actually trying your hardest, if that makes sense?
Whether it was when I got a rare first in an essay at uni, working to a weight loss target or a project at work. I’ve always noticed that it’s less about putting it the most effort but approaching with the right mindset. Now if I knew how to always and easily get into that mindset...

I find perfectionists to often be inefficient, endlessly redoing and checking things that are already done to the required standard.

Yes I think this is me.

It's weird because when you hear the term perfectionist, you think of somebody who is a very high achiever. Not a dithering twit like me frozen into inaction, with everyone getting exasperated and annoyed thinking I'm swinging the lead.

It's not that I can't be arsed it's that I CANNOT make myself learn or do things quickly and competently like a normal person despite theoretically knowing how I should do them.

@hangryeyes being in a good frame of mind is a really interesting and helpful take! It makes a lot of sense.

It sounds like you experience v negative ‘inner voice’. counselling or CBT might help.

Mediocrity is underrated.
I cut myself some slack.
Not everything has to be done with 100% effort or attention.

We may be rushed, juggling a few other things or he task in hand isn;t really that important.

Of course depends on the task.

I find a stew turns out perfectly acceptable if I just throw everything in the slow cooker without browning.
I often give a sink a once over with a spray and a cloth rather than scrubbing the base of the taps with a toothbrush.
Doing a workout and putting in 75% effort is still better than no exercise.
Addressing an envelope with my readable but not perfect handwriting is good enough.

I realise there is very little I do to me "best " capacity- seems to work out OK.

@Dozer

It sounds like you experience v negative ‘inner voice’. counselling or CBT might help.

I certainly do when it comes to a few particular topics around achievements. However, I don't think the inner voice is wrong? Just realistic.

My inner voice also praises me on my good points, so it's not all bad

I guess I don't believe in trying my best.

Or maybe i believe in "best I can do in the moment" which can't be defined. Wiser friend (than me) said that you have to have faith that whatever decision you took in past, whatever effort you made, that actually was your best. As long as your intentions are good, you will do your best. Very good reason not to dwell on one's mistakes.

Doing your best is not giving it 100% every time. That would be daft & unsustainable.

competently like a normal person

You are really, really hard on yourself. Describing yourself as incompetent and abnormal is not ok.

I don't think the problem is that you don't do your best, it's that you're a bully to yourself and don't feel you deserve kindness or care (because that's what you tell yourself).

If you push yourself to breaking point and still won't a) give yourself permission to take care of yourself, and b) don't give yourself any credit for what you have done then it's about your relationship with yourself not this impossible, unreachable standard you've set (seemingly as an excuse to continually beat yourself up).

You completed a Master's whilst coping with what sounds like extremely tough personal circumstances. That is an achievement, you earned it, you deserved it and you should be able to feel good about yourself for it.

You took the approach you did because that was the way for it to be achievable and manageable within the constraints of your life. Nothing shameful about that.

Yet you've managed to turn this major accomplishment into something bad that proves you're "incompetent" . Because If you did well it doesn't fit your internal narrative and therefore you've warped something good so that it fits into the box where you store all your bad thoughts about yourself.

Of course you feel shit about yourself when you're constantly putting yourself down and trying to re-write good things into bad things.

You completed a Master's whilst coping with what sounds like extremely tough personal circumstances. That is an achievement, you earned it, you deserved it and you should be able to feel good about yourself for it.

You took the approach you did because that was the way for it to be achievable and manageable within the constraints of your life. Nothing shameful about that.

Absolutely. This is a massive achievement.

Maybe I ought not even say I have a Masters degree because I had more time and still produced a load of old shit.

Graduating with a merit in your Master's is not shit.

dithering twit like me

CANNOT make myself learn or do things quickly and competently like a normal person

I am so mediocre at everything

I never see results that sort of show me my efforts are respectable

my best is actually just very mediocre

I actually have nothing more to give

I can't ever honestly feel I'm doing 100% my real best

it's never good enough.

spent a lot of the time feeling worthless and lazy

Doing anything more than what i did felt impossible but is that just a poor attitude?

Please can you introduce us to your kind and caring inner voice who praises you now?

I just do whatever I can manage at the time

That is doing your best. Despite multiple disabilities, feeling physically at your limit, enduring regular medical trauma, and living with anxiety - you do what you can manage in each moment.

And then you clobber yourself over the head as reward for your achievements.

@Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor

You completed a Master's whilst coping with what sounds like extremely tough personal circumstances. That is an achievement, you earned it, you deserved it and you should be able to feel good about yourself for it.

You took the approach you did because that was the way for it to be achievable and manageable within the constraints of your life. Nothing shameful about that.

Absolutely. This is a massive achievement.

Exactly.

'Your best' isn't the best you could ever ever do when all the stars are aligned. it is the best you can do on that day, under those circumstances, balancing everything else.