Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend constantly bloody texting

56 replies

stoptextingme · 24/02/2021 15:04

Name changed because I know she reads this.

Met A through a work thing a few years ago. Became a fairly good friend, not massively close, but good. We lived in the same area so saw each other socially, maybe caught up for a coffee once a month or every other month. We're a bit chalk and cheese but there's enough of a friendship there that I can meet up with her every now and again. She kind of comes in a pair with another woman she's best friends with, D, who I have a similar relationship with but who knows how to respect someone's boundaries . D got a new job and moved elsewhere about 18 months ago, if that's relevant, but they're still very close and (lockdown allowing) will get the train to visit each other. I'm going to pre-empt some replies here by saying, no, I don't think she is lonely. Missing D naturally, maybe, but A has a more active social life than I do and keeps a far wider circle. She is never short of things to do.

Long story short, I can work flexibly so moved closer to family for lockdown (did this pre-first lockdown in about March last year when it became clear this was going to get bad). So I don't see as much of A. I don't anticipate I will move back to the area me and A lived in - it's several hours drive from where I am now and the work thing that kept me there is all online now post-COVID. I have no real connections to that town.

In the meantime, all A has done for the past year is constantly bloody message me. Like, every day, multiple times a day. 95% of the things she sends me are boring as everloving fuck. Like announcing she's having a glass of wine, mundane things her relatives who I've never met have done, boring online dating screenshots, very minor grievances she's had with people that she works up in her head. To put it very politely, I don't think she gets out much - things that would otherwise be insignificant in anyone else's world are a massive deal in A's world. She will spend hours dissecting a minor interaction with a member of the opposite sex who was likely just being nice. (Outing but I don't care) we had hysterics off her the other day because someone on a dating app had made a very innocuous comment about sugar-free drinks (literally just making conversation) and she took it as a jibe at her weight.

Now the trouble is, in spite of that incredibly vitriolic comment, I do genuinely like the woman. The funny thing is, despite her overbearingness over text, she is quite a quiet, pleasant and unassuming woman in real life. I have a nice time seeing her every now and again, and it would be a genuine shame to cut her off completely. I would politely exchange a text maybe once every two weeks, or if she had something genuinely interesting to say. But I can't be arsed with the constant texting. I am too busy and I feel rude not replying - I'd say I reply to about a quarter of them, but she doesn't seem to get the hint. In fact, she has even made a comment to another mutual friend (not D) along the lines of "Ooh, I think I annoy stoptextingme with all my messages!". But she carries on anyway.

I know this topic crops up a lot but what can I do? How can I politely make her back off without going so far as to block her number (in any case, she would start messaging me on another form of social media I'm sure). Help!

OP posts:
BluebelllsRosesDaffodills · 24/02/2021 15:08

I think you will need to be honest with her or completely block her on everything

MyGoMargot · 24/02/2021 15:09

Your message sounds a bit mean tbh.

Can’t you just respond to the texts you want to and ignore the rest?

stoptextingme · 24/02/2021 15:10

Another thing - she will occasionally unsend messages. Not like one by mistake, but several messages in a row (you can do this on some messaging apps these days). I'll get a notification she's messaged, ignore it for a couple of hours and when I finally get round to looking at it, it'll say "A unsent 7 messages". Yes, as many as 7. Weird isn't it?

OP posts:
stoptextingme · 24/02/2021 15:12

@MyGoMargot that's what I'm trying to do but she perseveres. And I know I sound mean, but this is driving me to distraction and ruining what was originally a nice, low-maintenance friendship.

OP posts:
MyGoMargot · 24/02/2021 15:15

Can you not just say something along the lines of I can’t keep up with all your texts, do you mind texting a bit less often?

BitOfFun · 24/02/2021 15:15

I know you're a bit of a texter, but I'm so easily distracted and I'm trying to work Grin! Can I ask you to mute me or something for a while, so I can concentrate and get this stuff done? Thanks xx

Make it sound like your problem and be breezy.

Mysteriousmysteries · 24/02/2021 15:18

Ah, one of my good friends was like this when we first met. Literally updating me on what she ate through the day, what so and so did or said on Facebook, something she saw in a shop. Drove me mad!

I basically took longer and longer to reply and made sure I mentioned that I don't really do texting too much as I prefer to talk in person - not rudely, just if I got a message or she mentioned a text she had got whilst we were chatting. As it turned out, I was one of several people she constantly messaged, so I didn't feel quite so bad at not replying all the time. We only message occasionally now and I think she has made several mutual friends whom she has a chat group with, so thankfully that keeps her occupied!

If I were you, I'd carry on not replying all the time and if it's whatsapp, turn off read receipts and silence the text thread.

I think some people just need constant socialisation, but you shouldn't feel as though you have to keep up.
I've muted several conversations and it's so much more peaceful.

Hahaha88 · 24/02/2021 15:25

You sound really mean, and you obviously hope she'll see this and stop messaging you. I hope she sees it too so she knows how nasty you are and stops being your friend. Fair enough to be fed up with the constant texting and ask for advice but saying things like you think she doesn't get out much (sorry who does right now?) and taking the mick out of her thinking a comment was about her weight, which is clearly an issue for her, is just unnecessary

Whatsnewpussyhat · 24/02/2021 15:26

You have more patience than me. She would've been blocked a long time ago.

I'd tell her to stop texting innane nonsense as you too busy to respond.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 24/02/2021 15:26

Watching with interest as I have someone like this in my life. We’re not close but have a mutual family member. I don’t mind being WhatsApped regularly if the person has something to say but they don’t. They just ask the same inane questions. I leave it a few days before answering now as as soon as I respond she replies with further questions. I actually find it stressful as if she’s hovering on WhatsApp waiting to see if I’m online.

Vallmo47 · 24/02/2021 15:29

I’m a bit torn on this. One part of me feels sorry for the woman because I am quite chatty, and I literally just talk sometimes to entertain myself. I have a very close friend who I’ve openly said to ‘I don’t mind if you don’t respond to everything, I’m aware I talk a lot and I know you’re busy. If it bothers you tell me’. It doesn’t sound like your friend is bothered by you not responding either, so she might feel as I do.

On another hand, if I was annoying my friend I would like to know. I’d take it on the chin and not message so much. I think you’re close enough for you to tell her ‘I’m sorry, as you can see I don’t have the time to reply to everything and sometimes when I come online and I have so many messages, I feel quite overwhelmed. Could you please wait for me to reply before you send me something else? Thank you so much for understanding, I don’t mean to offend at all. Just a bit stressed with life at the minute! ❤️‘

It’s interesting how friendships can be so different with different people, as a side note. I have another friend who literally won’t shut up and sends me at least 50 odd messages at a time, expecting me to go through them one by one and calls me on it when I’ve missed something. She’s no longer a friend, because we clashed terribly. I just couldn’t sit there for hours after working and weed through her messages. She seriously went mad at me one time because I forgot to reply to her saying she was having pie for tea. I said I’m sorry but I’ve just been homeschooling for 6 hours, now trying to get cooking and washing done etc. I didn’t see that message, as you’d sent so many”. I couldn’t cope with that situation so the friendship ended. Sad but it happens.

Peoniesandjasmine · 24/02/2021 15:30

I think YABU. You clearly don't want to cut this women out as you mentioned and yet you are getting bugged by her text even when she deletes them🤷‍♀️.

It nice to have someone who likes to keep in touch with you. Please don't take unnecessary pressure of replying if u r too busy. You can mute the notifications if it bothers you so much. Are you dealing with a lot at the moment op?

imalmostthere · 24/02/2021 15:31

This is so outing - I do hope she reads this and realises its you, and removes you from her life. You sound like a crap friend. Your post is mean spirited, and she's better off not bothering with you. She probably felt bad you moved away and wanted to keep you included.

stoptextingme · 24/02/2021 15:31

Thank you @BitOfFun and @Mysteriousmysteries for giving sensible and honest advice.

@Hahaha88 I'm sorry that I came across as rude but I have had it to the back teeth to the point that it is beginning to make me resent her. To phrase it more politely: I think she leads a sheltered life (as I say, she is out all the time pre-pandemic) and allows very minor things to get her goat. The soft drinks thing was completely ridiculous and overblown. I have dealt with very some very sensitive issues with other friends, including weight issues. For her to fly off the handle about drinks like that was childish and indicative of a lack of perspective and self-awareness I think runs far deeper. I was probably in the wrong to phrase it in such a way, but my point stands.

OP posts:
shoofly · 24/02/2021 15:32

I have a good friend who will chattily message me on Facebook. If I'm in the mood, or have the time to chat I'll answer if not I won't. She'll occasionally unsend a series of messages, so when I'm able to answer I'll just ask if everything is OK?
She'll then say oh it wasn't important or I was trying to work something out.
I will just mute the chat if I'm busy. She's maybe just more of a chatter than you are. If you ignore does she get annoyed?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 24/02/2021 15:33

You say she's a friend? If so, then why not talk to her about it?

"Hey x, I'm not really a big texter, I find loads of little messages over the course of the day a bit annoying. How about we catch up every couple of weeks with a phone call instead."

Job done.

It sounds like in real life shes quite a shy anxious person, in which case she probably really appreciates her frienships and is worried she's going to lose them over the pandemic. It also sounds like she already knows shes annoying you, which is why shes unsending them, but doesn't know how to maintain the friendship otherwise.

I always think politeness is over rated among friends. Me and my mates will happily tell each other if we're doing each others nuts in.

Lay out you boundarys, she'll probably be happy for you to take the lead

stoptextingme · 24/02/2021 15:34

@Peoniesandjasmine

I think YABU. You clearly don't want to cut this women out as you mentioned and yet you are getting bugged by her text even when she deletes them🤷‍♀️.

It nice to have someone who likes to keep in touch with you. Please don't take unnecessary pressure of replying if u r too busy. You can mute the notifications if it bothers you so much. Are you dealing with a lot at the moment op?

I'm not bugged by the deleting the texts thing I just find it bloody weird! Even if my closest friends or my OH sent me 7 texts in a row then deleted them all I would find it odd! One less thing to read from her, certainly.
OP posts:
Crowsandshivers · 24/02/2021 15:36

You sound mean. You either like her enough to tolerate it or you don't and then should just be honest and cut her.

Mary46 · 24/02/2021 15:40

If you wfh I would tell her you havent time to check all your texts. I find my friend ones annoying a reply leads to more questions then!! Then its back and forth. I muted whatsapp groups as they kept buzzing!!

PandemicAtTheDisco · 24/02/2021 15:41

I've had to be very blunt with a friend and she keeps sending ? if I've not responded quickly enough.

Peoniesandjasmine · 24/02/2021 15:42

You mentioned she is shy,may be she is having second thoughts of sending them out to you. It's not as weird as it seems imo. To me it seems like she is trying to make an effort to stay connected which is nice op.

Palavah · 24/02/2021 15:43

@BitOfFun

I know you're a bit of a texter, but I'm so easily distracted and I'm trying to work Grin! Can I ask you to mute me or something for a while, so I can concentrate and get this stuff done? Thanks xx

Make it sound like your problem and be breezy.

That doesn't really make sense though - surely OP is the one who needs to mute her 'friend'?
Hont1986 · 24/02/2021 15:45

Bit Confused by the As of the world coming on this thread to tell you you're mean.

YANBU, definitely. That much texting is bothersome.

AnnaPotter · 24/02/2021 15:49

Honestly I’m surprised that it feels worth it putting up with that kind of annoyance for the sake of a pleasant meeting every couple of months. I’d be ditching the whole friendship I think 😬 but if you don’t want to do that I would maybe text her to say you hope she doesn’t mind if you don’t reply that often but you’re not much of a texter, and then only reply to her if / when you can be bothered.

stoptextingme · 24/02/2021 15:51

@Hont1986

Bit Confused by the As of the world coming on this thread to tell you you're mean.

YANBU, definitely. That much texting is bothersome.

Thank you! It's not a crime to be annoyed by someone.
OP posts: