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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish I lived on my own again

31 replies

Schoolofsock · 23/02/2021 23:38

Got married late 30s. Had my own place by then, lived on my own. Mates, boyfriends, generally happy. Now a family of 4, incl 2 dc age 11, 15, dp and a dog. I'm regularly LONGING to be just back in my own simple life. Not just a little fantasy now and again but desperately longing to get out of stifling family life. But I love them all so much and can't leave them, I know i'd be even more unhappy. Plus they are my responsibility, I can't just leave. I'm the glue in the family. The 'lead' parent, decision maker etc. My dp is lovely and has lots of great qualities but he is not a strong character. Feel like I'm going mad , the resentment and frustration bursting out of my chest. Is this normal? I know family life is hard but does everybody feel like this? Am I going to be full of stifling regrets later when my kids have left? I feel awful for being like this. ( I was like this before Covid).

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 24/02/2021 00:02

I feel like this some times. I need an unreasonable amount of space to myself ideally and I mourn the old me who was very creative whereas now I dont have the headspace to make art at all.

But I know if they werent there I would miss them horribly.

I think there's a middle ground where you acknowledge your need for space and find outlets for that. Could be going away for a week om your own, or even your partner just taking the dcs out for the day every couple of weeks so you can get some space.

I travel for work occasionally which is bliss and I come home all happy to see them.

Im hoping when the dcs leave home I might even take up painting again.

freeandfierce · 24/02/2021 00:21

This was me! I used to fantasise about living alone again, so I left and I do and it's as great as I thought!

SheilaWilcox · 24/02/2021 02:25

@freeandfierce don't say that - I'm only just hanging on here as it is!

Yes, I dream of living on my own again. I tell DH I think we should buy a pair of semis and live in one each. I think he thinks I'm joking.

Same as you OP, I lived alone before I met DH and had DD and I know how much easier it is than what I have now.
Covid has made it worse, because I am NEVER in the house alone.

Chunkymenrock · 24/02/2021 02:34

I am constantly longing to do this. Sad

SheilaWilcox · 24/02/2021 21:04

I sometimes wonder how I warn my daughter off the whole 'husband and kids' life.
I figure there's no nice way to do it, so I vow to be the most helpful grandma I can be if she goes down that path.

BotanyBetty · 24/02/2021 21:21

YANBU, before I was married I lived very happily for a number of years with my best mate.
On occasion we message each other about wishing we could be back there! Lockdown has made it worse - there's always someone there and none of them seem to know the meaning of 'companionable silence' Hmm

Chunkymenrock · 24/02/2021 21:47

I think the more women who realise marriage and children are absolutely not compulsory, the better.

Bonnieonthelam · 24/02/2021 21:49

@Chunkymenrock

I think the more women who realise marriage and children are absolutely not compulsory, the better.
Wholeheartedly agree
Original poster
Schoolofsock · 24/02/2021 23:55

Maybe we should all club together and buy an amazing mansion with lots of self contained lovely single apartments!

OP posts:
CoRhona · 25/02/2021 01:19

A colleague was saying how glad she was to be back at work as her house (lives alone) was so quiet all the time.

I was so envious Blush we agreed half and half would be perfect Grin

winterinvenice · 25/02/2021 01:23

I think women know marriage and kids aren’t compulsory Hmm

I think this is very much a case of ‘careful what you wish for.’

CrisisManagement · 25/02/2021 01:27

Oh I completely understand. Pre-Covid I would travel a couple of times a year for work. Just a few days, and it was heavenly.
I CRAVE to be in the house on my own, but no. One of them is always here.

I do love them. But would pay to have a week in the house on my own.

Malteser71 · 25/02/2021 01:49

My children are the same age. I have a dog, too.

I feel like this, but I tell myself it’s because I’m tired of it all. I’ve had 15 years of mothering and it’s been hard. I don’t know how much help you’ve had - I’ve had very little.

I’m just tired of it and need to get back to ‘me.’ Because I’d quite like to live with me, I’m quiet and tidy, totally unsuited to living with messy people.

Canuckduck · 25/02/2021 02:18

I fantasize about this regularly. I used to leave work and do whatever I wanted until I went to bed! Go to the gym for hours, go shopping, meet friends and go to the pub. It was bliss. Sometimes I found the weekends lonely but not often. I feel like I am suffocating sometimes. Always at home, never alone,, rarely doing what I want to do. I’m hoping when Covid ends I can regain some personal time.

PerveenMistry · 25/02/2021 03:30

@SheilaWilcox

I sometimes wonder how I warn my daughter off the whole 'husband and kids' life. I figure there's no nice way to do it, so I vow to be the most helpful grandma I can be if she goes down that path.
There's nothing wrong with telling her she has options and needn't conform to the majority.
cachedelete · 25/02/2021 03:41

When we moved house, DP and I each got a room of our 'own' and mine has become a bit of a throwback to my younger days and somewhere to do my crafty hobbies.

As much as I enjoy company and love my family, I am happy spending time on my own much more than they are and it can get stifling at times.

I've been on holiday alone (although not since DC) and it was lovely.

AlmightyBob · 25/02/2021 03:46

I have a fantasy flat I think about when I'm feeling claustrophobic at home. I've imagined it down to the last detail.

FredSoftly · 25/02/2021 03:49

The word "bliss" always comes up on these threads and I wonder if it really was so blissful, why did you get married and have kids? Not having a pop at anyone, just wondering if it's a case of rose coloured spectacles?

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/02/2021 03:51

I live on my own, and though it can get a bit lonely at times that's why I have three cats.
I could never share with another person.
Dd moved out 18 months ago.
I miss her terribly, but that's because of covid and no visiting, I don't miss living with her.

RichPetunia · 25/02/2021 03:52

Book yourself into a hotel regularly and stay for a night or two. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy ( I pay £45 per night) and you’ll feel great afterwards.

joystir59 · 25/02/2021 03:56

I think loads of people aren't cut out for family life even though they felt compelled to create a family in the first place. I would rather walk on hot coals than have the responsibility of raising children and being the one who is the family glue. However, you are where you are OP, through all your own fault, but the children will grow up, they will reward you in the long term and you will get your own life back. Then it's up to you what you do about a partner who hasn't pulled their weight.

Anystarinthesky · 25/02/2021 04:00

I have been thinking about this too, DP is currently working from home.

Wherever I am in the house he thinks I can hear him if he shouts.

Irritating.

Draineddraineddrained · 25/02/2021 04:03

Try and think of your life as phases. As a PP said, if your single life was do blissful you would never have got married and had kids, much less bought a fucking dog. You thought that either something was missing or something could be better, that's why you changed your life. Now you're older, more experienced, you know more about who you are and what fulfils you. Your children will grow up and leave home, your dog will die, you will have freedom to choose whether you want to be with your partner or not long term. You're likely to live until you're nearly 100. Who would want to do the same thing for 60+ years? You can live many different lives in that amount of time. So this is your "challenging, exhausting, hectic but full of love" phase. In less than s decade you will have the freedom to return to your "blissful lone life", or indeed to invent a whole new life phase you haven't been able to experience yet (involved grandparent, early retirement, international traveller, who knows?).

In the meantime - prepare! Foster independence in your kids so they're not still hanging on your apron/pursestrings into their 30s. Develop your savings and pension. Make your plans, scrapbook them. And as soon as Covid is over, my god go and get some time alone, we all need it!

Oblomov21 · 25/02/2021 04:13

I long for this permanently. I was single for do long, all I ever craved was a husband. Since ds's I only crave solitude. I just want to be left alone. I do make sure I get lots of time on my own, but this desire still doesn't go away. I'm sure if I did it I would be very lonely.

Original poster
Schoolofsock · 10/03/2021 10:55

Just looking back on this thread I posted a few weeks ago as having the same intense feelings of wanting to run away from them all/ my responsibilities again. Re comments about marriage, interestingly I never wanted to get married when younger, I certainly didn't aspire to marriage and kids at all, I looked at my own Mum and thought ' no thanks!'. But I fell in love of course and then I did want to marry him and love him forever - I still do. Its just the day to day living with part that does my f*g head in.

OP posts: