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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to push for a house move?

36 replies

SphJane · 23/02/2021 21:44

Hi ladies,

I’m desperately seeking some advice on my current living situation.

I’m 28, my DP is 35. We have been together for 4 years and have a very happy relationship. We have lived in the same town all our lives and love living here, we are by the water and our families are all within a 10 minute drive. We live in a top floor flat (4 stories) in a traditional building with no lift. There are 65 steps to our front door. The flat is very large and the rooms are huge, too big! It’s always cold in the winter, the heating system needs replaced and we desperately need a complete makeover for the property! Here’s the issue - my partner owns the flat and has done for the last 12 years, he’s a typical bloke who thinks it’s fine. I also own my own property which we rent out and we are in a very fortunate position where we are both mortgage free. I don’t share this to show off, but to show that we can more than afford to move to a house.

A house has come on the market which ticks every box. It’s a great price that we could afford with only a very small mortgage which our rental income would cover, and it’s not even a mile away from our flat. I have tested the waters and he thinks it’s a nice house but when it comes to actually scheduling a viewing or having a real conversation about it he gets really annoyed and implies that there’s no reason to move house.

I am at a stage where I can’t do a proper shop because it’s breaking my back to carry the shopping up all the stairs. The parking situation is terrible at our flat. We decided to start making use of the online grocery delivery service offered by supermarkets but the Asda delivery drivers have now started refusing to bring the crates of shopping upstairs! (They are claiming they don’t have enough time allocated to carry it all up)

I am now finding myself getting really depressed and have no motivation to do anything in the flat. I even find cleaning to be an impossible task because the flat is in such desperate need of TLC and no matter how much effort I put into cleaning, it still looks a mess.

I don’t want this to affect my relationship but I also don’t know how much longer I can stand living here. Any advice would be massively appreciated.

Ps : please excuse any grammatical errors, I’m not the best lol.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2021 21:53

Honestly? I wouldn’t live anywhere that I found that unpleasant and inconvenient if I didn’t have to.

If you can’t have a rational conversation and come to a compromise on this relatively straightforward issue how will you sort more complicated things?

What about having children? If you were injured somehow?

Personally I’d move out.

RandomMess · 23/02/2021 21:54

I would tell him you aren't prepared to live in his flat anymore and you are moving out with or without him and follow through.

He clearly isn't valuing you opinion or happiness at the moment!

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2021 21:55

And you shouldn’t be testing the water.

Have you said ‘Dave - I hate living here. It’s too hard for x y z reasons. It’s not something I can do anymore. I want to move. If you don’t then I’ll have to go on my own’

StoneofDestiny · 23/02/2021 21:56

Hell yes - why spend your time climbing stairs to a cold flat if you don't have to? If he isn't willing to sell and move just because he's lived there a long time - I'd reevaluate what value he puts on your well being.

Original poster
SphJane · 23/02/2021 21:58

@Merryoldgoat thanks for the response. We are both thankfully on the same wavelength with everything else and hope that within the next couple of years we will be blessed with children - he thinks we can wait until then to move. Sorry, I should have made that more clear in my OP.

OP posts:
Cocogreen · 23/02/2021 22:01

Tell him the flat is affecting you mentally ( which it it) and have a proper conversation. Sounds like he won’t budge. In that case if I were you I’d be planning to move back to the house that you own. He’s not interested in buying a house. Up to you whether you continue the relationship.

Original poster
SphJane · 23/02/2021 22:01

Also ladies, I should have added, we don’t have a tumble dryer but do have a small communal drying area but we have never once been able to use it because the retirees on the ground floor snap it up. That really bothers me. I am so envious of friends who can spend time in a garden.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2021 22:02

I got SPD when I was pregnant. My doorstep was a problem. I have literally had to move out.

Why do you need to wait? So prices go up? So you have MORE stress at an already stressful time.

Are you REALLY on the same wavelength about everything else? Marriage? Money? Working vs staying home with children? Family dynamics?

It sounds more like he says what you want to hear to but some time and then nothing actually changes.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/02/2021 22:03

If he wants babies then he needs to show how much he values you now

Merryoldgoat · 23/02/2021 22:04

And that’s not ‘typical bloke’ - my DH likes a clean warm well decorated home. There’s no chance he’d delay essential repairs and maintenance for no reason.

Original poster
SphJane · 23/02/2021 22:04

Thanks ladies, you have definitely given me some food for thought. The last thing I want to do is end the relationship, but maybe the threat of this will be enough for my partner to realise how serious I am about this.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 23/02/2021 22:05

Maybe just be really honest with how you are feeling. No water testing necessary. You just aren't happy with where you are living and you are ready to move on. Best of luck. Flowers

WonkyCactus · 23/02/2021 22:06

If I was you, I would be so tempted to buy the nice house myself (assuming you can afford to) and go and live in it. It's up to him if he wants to join you.

SnackSizeRaisin · 23/02/2021 22:08

Yanbu. If you have the money, move now. Why wait until you are pregnant and desperately searching for somewhere else whilst running out of time?
Also, the men I know prefer a garden, decent parking, warmth and not having to traipse up and down stairs, as well as liking to keep things maintained. I wouldn't say he is typical at all!

nopulp · 23/02/2021 22:10

Moving house with babies and children is much much harder. I wouldn't be having kids in a house that needed lots of work when I could easily have moved beforehand.

BabyElephant2 · 23/02/2021 22:10

I’d just ask if he’s willing to move to the house or look for another, if not I’d be moving back into my own flat.

RandomMess · 23/02/2021 22:14

Have you had the serious having DC chat?

If not it's time to absolutely lay your cards on the table.

I am x years old if we are having DC together than I want to start trying in x years and before that I want to moved and settled in a family home within the next 12 months.

If you aren't on board with that then this relationship isn't the one for me as it's not committed enough and I'm not wasting my fertile years on someone not committed and on the same wavelength.

Honestly truly his actions need to match what he's said. If you want DC it's time to get him to put his commitment into action.

sbhydrogen · 23/02/2021 22:52

I think you should book a viewing and then take him there without him realising it's a viewing until the estate agent greets you outside 🤣 It might open his eyes, and you'll get a feel for this house.

Sounds a bit crap, I think you need to push push push.

Pleatherandlace · 26/02/2021 08:03

I’d think long and hard about setting up life with someone this inflexible and resistant to change.

DinosaurDiana · 26/02/2021 08:07

Him being like this is a warning for your future together.
If I were you I’d give your tenants notice and move into your own house.

pilates · 26/02/2021 08:09

It does make me question your relationship. The fact that you are so unhappy and he is not willing to step in to remedy this worries me. Is he like this in other areas of your life?

Nearlyhalfterm · 26/02/2021 08:09

Why not sell your property, buy the new house in your name and rent out his flat to cover the mortgage? You are partners, not married with no rights to each other's properties. He may well not want to be lumbered with the mortgage or job of selling and splitting the money from the house if you split up?

LakieLady · 26/02/2021 08:11

If those stairs are a struggle now, they'll be a nightmare when you're pregnant.

And babies need so much stuff, they take up a lot of space.

You need to have a serious talk with him about how you need to move somewhere suitable either before you get pg, or very early on. Then you can tell him how this house would be perfect and you'll be unlikely to find somewhere nicer/more suitable.

Dragongirl10 · 26/02/2021 08:14

*And you shouldn’t be testing the water.

Have you said ‘Dave - I hate living here. It’s too hard for x y z reasons. It’s not something I can do anymore. I want to move. If you don’t then I’ll have to go on my own’*

This ^

WithMyOldCockLinnet · 26/02/2021 08:14

Do not carry another shopping bag from the car or up the stairs.

Tell him he needs to do all the shopping and carrying.

You say ‘our’ rental.

Is there any way that his reluctance to move is rooted in not wanting to combine assets and have a jointly owned home?

Take great care as to how you make it all fair, and protect your assets and share of mortgage payments.

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