AIBU to push for a house move?

[SphJane]

Hi ladies,

I’m desperately seeking some advice on my current living situation.

I’m 28, my DP is 35. We have been together for 4 years and have a very happy relationship. We have lived in the same town all our lives and love living here, we are by the water and our families are all within a 10 minute drive. We live in a top floor flat (4 stories) in a traditional building with no lift. There are 65 steps to our front door. The flat is very large and the rooms are huge, too big! It’s always cold in the winter, the heating system needs replaced and we desperately need a complete makeover for the property! Here’s the issue - my partner owns the flat and has done for the last 12 years, he’s a typical bloke who thinks it’s fine. I also own my own property which we rent out and we are in a very fortunate position where we are both mortgage free. I don’t share this to show off, but to show that we can more than afford to move to a house.

A house has come on the market which ticks every box. It’s a great price that we could afford with only a very small mortgage which our rental income would cover, and it’s not even a mile away from our flat. I have tested the waters and he thinks it’s a nice house but when it comes to actually scheduling a viewing or having a real conversation about it he gets really annoyed and implies that there’s no reason to move house.

I am at a stage where I can’t do a proper shop because it’s breaking my back to carry the shopping up all the stairs. The parking situation is terrible at our flat. We decided to start making use of the online grocery delivery service offered by supermarkets but the Asda delivery drivers have now started refusing to bring the crates of shopping upstairs! (They are claiming they don’t have enough time allocated to carry it all up)

I am now finding myself getting really depressed and have no motivation to do anything in the flat. I even find cleaning to be an impossible task because the flat is in such desperate need of TLC and no matter how much effort I put into cleaning, it still looks a mess.

I don’t want this to affect my relationship but I also don’t know how much longer I can stand living here. Any advice would be massively appreciated.

Ps : please excuse any grammatical errors, I’m not the best lol.

I agree, it's so much harder to move house when pregnant or with small children. He may not realise this, but you are better off moving first.

Has he got an emotional tie to the house?

Could you rent flat out, and then rent a house. You wouldn’t be letting go completely then. Maybe it’s a slight fear of change.

Alternative, take some drastic action. If you’re struggling to shop, don’t. Let him do the Big shop, and get him to carry the shopping up 65 steps.

Is your relationship as perfect as you’d like to think? He’s overruling your feelings on this. I don’t think that’s right.

Do you both work? Does he ever have to carry shopping up six flights of stairs? Does he often minimise your feelings?

Make it clear that you cannot tolerate the flat and will be looking to buy a house. It is up to him whether he joins you in that venture. Then just carry on with your plans - view the house, put your flat up for sale if that is part of the equation and make an offer. (I am assuming you are in a position to buy alone if you have to.)

He will either be stimulated into joining you. Maybe he's one of these putter-offers who needs a good kick up the bum. Or, he will kick off about it and may threaten to end the relationship if you do your own thing. Obviously you would hope he wouldn't do the latter, but now is the time to find out before you are tied to him with babies. I just feel very uneasy that he seems very dismissive of your feelings, opinions and desires and that what he says goes. It may be that you have never tested him before and it is something worth finding out. I would not want to have children with someone who considered his wants and needs to be superior to mine an would not even discuss a compromise.

Your comment about the shopping stood out. Don't tell me, he is a man's man and doesn't do any cooking, meal planning or shopping even though you both (I assume) work. Might work for some people but you could end up resentful at the life of drudgery you end up with ... men like this get even more entrenched in the traditional gender roles after children.

Book a viewing for the new house, tell him.
He either goes or he doesn’t, either way you go and buy it.

Book a viewing and ask him to come along with you to view

Book an appointment with a mortgage broker and ask him to come along with you

Get the ball rolling. Tell him you’re not staying in the flat anymore as it’s effecting your mental health and it’s impractical for pregnancy

Yes and make him do all the food shopping

The home we lived in before DC was not suitable after they came.
DH did not want to move as he did not see the problem.
I just left him with DC every weekend to go house hunting.
After 6 months, I found the perfect house. I told him DC and I were moving, up to him if he came with us or not.
He came too, i don’t think he realised how serious I was until then.
You can only do what is right for you, up to him what he chooses to do.
Good luck

OP,

He gets really annoyed when you speak of moving?

Doesn't sound that healthy are normal.
Does your happiness matter?

Does he dominate?
Is he stubborn and insist on his own way?

Be very careful about making plans for a future with someone who gets angry with you when you want to discuss something.

Are you desperate for him and he isn't?

If so be very careful.

Don't waste your life on a man who isn't that bothered about you, that you have to push.

Why are you doing the shopping?
Up 65 steps?

Does he do his share of house work?
Have you set yourself up as his skivvy?

Look hard at what you actually have.

Estate Agents are highly unlikely to let you view a property unless yours is under offer or you are a cash buyer or FTB with mortgage in principle.

This is due to lockdown and not showing people round homes unless ‘proceedable’

He doesn't get to decide where you live.

Since you have a property of your own,you can decide where to live, and it shouldn't be a place you dislike. I would also be very careful about being "blessed" with children with a man who won't take sensible steps toward a comfortable and secure family life.