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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Choosing medication over more children

47 replies

Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 18:14

I posted somewhere else but got no response so I'm posting here for traffic, sorry!

I have a chronic health condition which I've suffered from for nearly 10 years now. Control of the condition has been up and down over the years but I've never been able to gain full independence and freedom from the condition.

I have an appointment with the consultant today to discuss a change of medication to one which has shown to be the most effective for what I have. I have avoided it for years because taking the medication means I won't be able to get pregnant (very high chance of physical deformities and multiple learning difficulties/life long disability). If this medication is successful I wouldn't want to come off it because I really want to give myself and the son I already have the best quality of life I can and it will finally allow me to gave my own independence.

Is there anyone out there who has one child and not been able to have any more? Or had to make the decision not to have any more? I think I'm mostly upset by the choice I have to make and not having much of a say and also the guilt of not giving a brother or sister to my son. I would be open to other options of having children but I still feel a sense of loss.

If I had a partner I would suggest having another child now and then switching medication but I don't have anyone and I don't know how much longer I can wait/live like this!

Thank you to anyone who has read this far and sorry for the rambling.

YABU: Stick with what I'm on incase I change my mind

YANBU: Change medication to improve quality of life for me and my son

OP posts:
Meowchickameowmeow · 23/02/2021 18:33

Of course, you should look after your own health and prioritise that over a hypothetical future child.

Hahaha88 · 23/02/2021 18:47

You might never have another child even if you didn't change your medication. Why would you want not only you but also the son you actually have "just in case"? It's a difficult decision to make, accepting you won't carry another child and its totally understandable to feel disappointed and upset. But you'd be massively unfair to your son not to do what's best for your health

WeeDangerousSpike · 23/02/2021 18:54

I'm in a similar position OP, where I've had to come to terms with the fact that I'm currently too unwell for it to be at all responsible to try and carry a pregnancy to term, and the medication to make me better isn't compatible with pregnancy. Despite always wanting 2 DC, I'm having to come to terms with only having DD, which isn't what I wanted at all.

Previously I was able to get well enough to stop my medication, and then I stayed well through pregnancy. I think the mistake was not immediately going back on the meds when DD was born, instead things slowly got worse and the meds didn't work anymore, so I got very very ill and now I'm on even more dangerous ones instead.

Realistically me ill is no life for DD, I can't pick her up, play or even leave the house when I'm very ill. I've decided I owe it to her to be as well as possible. I'm sure she'd love a sibling, but she'll never know what she's missing. However she definitely knows what she's missing when mummy can't play / go out.

Flowers
Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 19:21

@Hahaha88

You might never have another child even if you didn't change your medication. Why would you want not only you but also the son you actually have "just in case"? It's a difficult decision to make, accepting you won't carry another child and its totally understandable to feel disappointed and upset. But you'd be massively unfair to your son not to do what's best for your health
Exactly this! I guess I worded it this way to try and justify putting it in AIBU, I was more just looking for advice on accepting the fact I probably won't have any more children Sad. He would definitely have a better quality of life and I would be much happier and I also wouldn't have the guilt of not being able to do things with him as well as the guilt I feel when my mum/other family members are helping me out. I'm not even 100% sure I want more kids, I was adamant i didn't want any Hmm. Its funny how we only think about wanting something when the choice is taken away
OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 19:24

Oh bless you that sounds tough! I think we'll always feel guilty over something when it comes to our kids but I'm sure deep down you'll be happier knowing you are being the best mum you can be to your daughter. I think she'd prefer a well and happy mummy over a brother or sister and an unwell mummy! Sending hugs

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 23/02/2021 19:31

I have one child but for different reasons to you.

In your shoes, I'd definitely go with the medication and only having one child.

The most important thing to your son is having time with his mum and doing things with you.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 23/02/2021 19:33

IF it's Methotrexate, take the chance. And ask for injections, not pills, as they work best.

If it doesn't have the remission you're hoping for, then the other advantage is that you can then get considered for biologics like Humira, which don't have the same teratogenic problems.

(If it isn't this, then ignore me).

Pastnowfuture · 23/02/2021 19:36

I'm only having one. Decision made due to a HG pregnancy that left me traumatised. However I never had my mind set on having more than one so it wasn't a huge deal. Aside from maintaining stable mental health I believe there are loads of positives. I appreciate my child will never experience the joys that a sibling bond can bring but I feel on balance it's the best option for us as a family. There is a facebook group called one and done you might want to take a look at.

An0n0n0n · 23/02/2021 19:41

Well logically you don't have a partner or seem to be seeking a donor so I'd take the meds and come off as and when the possibility of having another child was more likely.

I'm only having one because I don't want to share my time with another.

SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel · 23/02/2021 19:44

Is the medication irreversible? Or if you stop taking it for x months/years do the risks to pregnancy/a future baby diminish?

Also is your age a factor? If early 20s then your decision is a lot different to someone in their mid 40s for example.

Only you can decide what's best for your family. Perhaps it would help to visualise your life with 1 child and all the joys that could bring, such as more time spent with them, more money for holidays, not having to go back to the baby stage etc, as well as the benefits to your health.

Dobbyismyfavourite · 23/02/2021 19:48

I have one child, not through choice but I was on the IVF journey. I was so sad not to have another child but at the end of the day I have embraced 'what I have' and not on 'what I haven't got'.

Life is good as a small family of three. I think your health is the most important thing and as a result of that a happy childhood for your child.

Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 20:14

@Pastnowfuture

I'm only having one. Decision made due to a HG pregnancy that left me traumatised. However I never had my mind set on having more than one so it wasn't a huge deal. Aside from maintaining stable mental health I believe there are loads of positives. I appreciate my child will never experience the joys that a sibling bond can bring but I feel on balance it's the best option for us as a family. There is a facebook group called one and done you might want to take a look at.
Thank you for this I will definitely look at the group! My cousin is pregnant at the moment and has had HG all the way through it sounds horrific you have my sympathies!
OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 20:34

@SunInTheSkyYouKnowHowIFeel

Is the medication irreversible? Or if you stop taking it for x months/years do the risks to pregnancy/a future baby diminish?

Also is your age a factor? If early 20s then your decision is a lot different to someone in their mid 40s for example.

Only you can decide what's best for your family. Perhaps it would help to visualise your life with 1 child and all the joys that could bring, such as more time spent with them, more money for holidays, not having to go back to the baby stage etc, as well as the benefits to your health.

As far as I know there are no lasting effects if I come off the meds, which if my condition improves could happen but I've been told its life long. I can definitely see the benefits of only having one, especially now listening to my 3 year old screaming and having a meltdown because he doesn't want to go to bed!
OP posts:
Veggiepotamus · 23/02/2021 21:04

If it’s methotrexate I’m also I’m same boat, although I have two. Not keen on a third but it’s not nice to lose the possibility

LST · 23/02/2021 21:08

I was in the very same position with methotrexate. I was 22. I already had 1 ds, we wanted 2 dc so it forced our hand and we gave it 3 months to get pregnant. If I did it was meant to be if not then I would have started the meds an stopped at 1. I did end up getting pregnant but the pregnancy was horrific. I went into remission with my first and we nievely thought I would again. I started my meds within a month of having my baby.

thelightishere · 23/02/2021 21:21

Please don't feel guilty about not providing a sibling - you can't guarantee a good relationship there. Focus on what you have and improve your quality of life Thanks

UmbilicusProfundus · 23/02/2021 21:29

Hi OP I hope resounding support for YANBU gives you confidence in the decision that you already seemed to have made. I don’t think anyone should have guilt about only having one child, and especially you when part of the reasoning is for the benefit of your existing child!

Consider whether you want to share more details of your condition/treatment as you may get more tailored advice. I realise you might not want to garner more opinions from likely non-medics, but it could be helpful!

Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 21:41

@Veggiepotamus

If it’s methotrexate I’m also I’m same boat, although I have two. Not keen on a third but it’s not nice to lose the possibility
Its not that no, but I'm curious as to what that is as 2 of you have mentioned it now Grin. Its just loosing the choice isn't it that rubbish
OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 21:52

@UmbilicusProfundus

Hi OP I hope resounding support for YANBU gives you confidence in the decision that you already seemed to have made. I don’t think anyone should have guilt about only having one child, and especially you when part of the reasoning is for the benefit of your existing child!

Consider whether you want to share more details of your condition/treatment as you may get more tailored advice. I realise you might not want to garner more opinions from likely non-medics, but it could be helpful!

I am happy to share definitely, I just wanted a non biased view first! Smile. I have epilepsy which is sometimes controlled and sometimes not but I'm still having seizures every few months and apart from this I can function semi normally (other than my horrid memory and moodiness). I live semi rurally but moving to a city with better transport links would mean moving away from all my support bubbles which emotionally I would really struggle with. If I can drive I won't have to keep relying on my mum to take me and my son to appointments, to work (start at 7am so not fair on her even though she never moans). I will also be able to drive my son to events/hobbies/parties etc when he's older. Its not just the driving though its also starting a career I've really put on hold because my condition means its really hard to work full time and complete extra training I need (somehow managed a degree but its not vocational). I will just also be able live and not worry about having a seizure and which I sometimes get serious mental problems because of for around a week after, not sure if anyones heard of postictal psychosis?

Anyway the drug is Sodium Valporate which is shown to be highly effective for the type of epilepsy I have and is always first line treatment in boys. If it doesn't work I guess no harm done and can try something else (Hmm) but if it does work then I would never come of it again because I'd never want to give up the independence I so badly dream of. Sorry for the essay everyone!

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 23/02/2021 22:04

Ah, Valproate. Have the recommended alternatives for women and girls been tried? If they are just saying 'no, it's what you need' without addressing the fact it's not recommended, you could request a second opinion (although that could well take time) or that it is looked at again by the whole team.

Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 22:04

@Veggiepotamus

If it’s methotrexate I’m also I’m same boat, although I have two. Not keen on a third but it’s not nice to lose the possibility
I've just googled it, I'm so sorry for being so blasé about it Sad
OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 22:09

@NeverDropYourMoonCup

Ah, Valproate. Have the recommended alternatives for women and girls been tried? If they are just saying 'no, it's what you need' without addressing the fact it's not recommended, you could request a second opinion (although that could well take time) or that it is looked at again by the whole team.
I've tried about 3 different ones not with varying success rates, my neurologist mentioned it as a last resort at my last appointment and I bought it up again at a follow up. He warned me of everything about it (I've done a lot of researching so know what the issues are) and was worried because of my age (mid twenties) but after the argument I put forward he said once we've both jumped through all the legal hoops he's happy for me to give it a go because it really is the most effective. I know not to get my hopes pinned on it incase it doesn't work but I'll drive myself mad if I don't at least give it a chance!
OP posts:
Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 22:12

He did say though that he will only prescribe it if I use long term contraception like the coil or the implant.

OP posts:
ChristOnAPeloton · 23/02/2021 22:18

Considering you’re not even in a relationship right now, you would be foolish to avoid medication that could potentially improve your condition and quality of life for you and your son based on wanting something that simply isn’t an option right now.

Not least because (as I’m sure you well know) poorly controlled epilepsy can be fatal. It’s not like a bit of eczema or a food intolerance. You need to be on the best meds you can be for the sake of your son.

He needs a healthy mum more than a potential sibling.

Original poster
Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 22:39

Thats the point I've been making to myself really. There is nothing to lose (at the moment) and alot to gain

OP posts: