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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Choosing medication over more children

47 replies

Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 18:14

I posted somewhere else but got no response so I'm posting here for traffic, sorry!

I have a chronic health condition which I've suffered from for nearly 10 years now. Control of the condition has been up and down over the years but I've never been able to gain full independence and freedom from the condition.

I have an appointment with the consultant today to discuss a change of medication to one which has shown to be the most effective for what I have. I have avoided it for years because taking the medication means I won't be able to get pregnant (very high chance of physical deformities and multiple learning difficulties/life long disability). If this medication is successful I wouldn't want to come off it because I really want to give myself and the son I already have the best quality of life I can and it will finally allow me to gave my own independence.

Is there anyone out there who has one child and not been able to have any more? Or had to make the decision not to have any more? I think I'm mostly upset by the choice I have to make and not having much of a say and also the guilt of not giving a brother or sister to my son. I would be open to other options of having children but I still feel a sense of loss.

If I had a partner I would suggest having another child now and then switching medication but I don't have anyone and I don't know how much longer I can wait/live like this!

Thank you to anyone who has read this far and sorry for the rambling.

YABU: Stick with what I'm on incase I change my mind

YANBU: Change medication to improve quality of life for me and my son

OP posts:

Veggiepotamus · 23/02/2021 22:42

That’s ok! Hope you find the right option for you OP

Original poster

Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 22:44

veggie thank you, I do to! I am slightly bitter though about how men will never have to worry about this and will always get the first line drug, are there any positives to being a woman!?

OP posts:

Thegoodandbadlife · 23/02/2021 22:47

Would it be possible to freeze your eggs and potentially use a surrogate if the time comes? That way you still potentially are able to have more kids but without the risks to your health and not providing your son with the life you want to.

Original poster

Unknownfuture1 · 23/02/2021 22:52

thegoodandbadlife I have thought have that yeah and its nice to know ots an option :) I decided though if I was going to go through that effort I'd look into adoption instead as there are already children out there needing homes. My mum adopted me so I would be nice to give someone else a chance too. I could also adopt an older child so there wouldn't be such a huge age gap. That's a decision for when I'm older though x

OP posts:

Branleuse · 23/02/2021 22:58

Of course controlling your epilepsy is the most important thing. If you need it you need it.

Norwaydidnthappen · 23/02/2021 23:08

I think it would be a different story if you had a partner who desperately wanted another child and it was something you wanted too. You’re single though so potentially will never meet someone who wants to have another child with you. Definitely focus on your son and getting yourself better for both of you.

PoppyFleur · 23/02/2021 23:16

I stopped at 1 child due to medication. It took 2 years after having DC to get my health back on track and although it would have been wonderful to have another child, I have no regrets.

Life is very manageable with one child. I’m incredibly lucky to have a brilliant DH who picks up the slack on my treatment days in hospital and I am ruthless at keeping myself well. I have had moments of guilt for prioritising my health but if I become ill that just places a massive strain on DH and would likely result in hospitalisation and time away from my family.

Rather than mourn for what could have been, I celebrate what I have; a wonderful child, a supportive DH and a well managed condition that allows me to enjoy life.

Missingthebridegene · 23/02/2021 23:30

I knew as soon as I read your post you were talking about valproate. Writing from experience. Epilepsy and pregnancy (any hormones!) is REALLY tough with so much to balance. If it were me I'd be prioritising stabilising your health right now with valproate, with the potential of changing meds back to a safer one for baby in the future should you meet someone and want to have a baby x I totally understand where you're coming from though-I really envy women who can decide to start trying and don't have to go through months of medication changes/seizures before they even start TTC! x

PreyingMantlepiece · 23/02/2021 23:37

I had to choose a pretty radical treatment in order to remove any chance of me becoming pregnant again (luckily I have two kids, but in an ideal world where I was healthy I would have loved more). My body is unable to cope with pregnancies and I nearly died as a result of this. My conditions are progressive and I had to choose an operation and lifelong medication which would give me the best chance of not just giving my kids the best I could of myself, but which made sure I'm here at all.

And if I'd had any idea what was wrong with my body back at the time, I wouldn't have hadn't second child. It would have been super hard but that's the decision I would have made.

Original poster

Unknownfuture1 · 25/02/2021 21:01

Thank you so much to everyone who has responded and been so kind.

I know myself its the right decision but when I've bought it up to 1 or 2 people I always get the "yeah but what if you do change your mind" or "you're only twentysomething" or "give it some more time" or "you may meet someone tomorrow and want children" (highly unlikely in lockdown) which has always made me doubt myself slightly.

Everyone's responses here have made me feel like I'm not completely mad or ruining any chances of a happy future . So thank you so much everyone. I booked an appointment to have the implant put in (has to be long term contraception to be prescribed the drug) so I'll see how I get on with that for a couple of weeks then fingers crossed I can get started with it! The GP seemed really onboard and enthusiastic about it too which was a boost

OP posts:

user18467425798532 · 25/02/2021 21:16

I just wanted to wish you all the best with it. I hope this medication proves to be the key that unlocks a better, happier life for you.

Humans are naturally loss averse so you'll always get the "what ifs" from yourself and others, but you can only live in the present and try to make it as good as possible.

glasgowLil · 25/02/2021 21:33

I just wanted to say good luck with your new medication. I really hope it works really well for you.
I have only had one child due to having breast cancer when my daughter was 2. We had assumed we’d have another child but after a year of treatment and then follow up medication (which you can’t get pregnant on), we had to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. And sometimes in life, you have to quit when you are ahead. During lockdown I’ve been really grateful to only have one child as lots of friends spent their time trying to stop world war 3 break out between their kids! It sounded exhausting.
The hardest bit was when my daughter was 4 and started asking me to have a baby and I had to explain why I couldn’t. I did find that difficult but I knew she needed me to be as healthy as I could be instead of a sibling. Luckily she had several cousins now which has alerted her to the relentless realities of a younger sibling.

Chunkymenrock · 25/02/2021 21:36

A total no brainer. 100% stay with one child.

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 25/02/2021 21:48

You sound like a wonderful mum making a tough choice for her child benefit. Perhaps in the future you'll get to give a child with no mum a chance at a loving family. Or you might meet someone with kids and get to be a wonderful step mum. I think you sound like a really positive and strong minded woman who will make the best of whatever situation you end up in. Isn't your DS lucky to have you?

CypressSwampmaiden · 25/02/2021 21:59

So many women stop after one even when there are no medical reasons making the decision for them. For every potential negative with having just one child, there's a corresponding potential positive.

I wouldn't hesitate for a second, if it's a matter of vastly improving your life and that of your child.

Original poster

Unknownfuture1 · 25/02/2021 21:59

@glasgowLil

I just wanted to say good luck with your new medication. I really hope it works really well for you. I have only had one child due to having breast cancer when my daughter was 2. We had assumed we’d have another child but after a year of treatment and then follow up medication (which you can’t get pregnant on), we had to accept that it wasn’t going to happen. And sometimes in life, you have to quit when you are ahead. During lockdown I’ve been really grateful to only have one child as lots of friends spent their time trying to stop world war 3 break out between their kids! It sounded exhausting. The hardest bit was when my daughter was 4 and started asking me to have a baby and I had to explain why I couldn’t. I did find that difficult but I knew she needed me to be as healthy as I could be instead of a sibling. Luckily she had several cousins now which has alerted her to the relentless realities of a younger sibling.

Thank you so much, I wish you all the best too and hope you remain well and healthy for a very long time! Your daughter is lucky to have you and I'm so sorry you went through what you did, I can't imagine. I agree with you about the lockdown thing and more than one child, I live in a nice house in a nice area but its very small and pokey and I have no garden so during these winter months we've driven each other mad when we couldn't go out I couldn't imagine having to entertain another one as well!

OP posts:

Original poster

Unknownfuture1 · 25/02/2021 22:03

@Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep

Thank you so much this has made me really happy, I don't always feel like a good mum and often feel guilty for a multitude of things but I know he wants for nothing (other than everything he sees other kids with which he decides he also needs and I'm mean for not giving him a scooter and a bike and a skateboard in one go 😂). I would also like to say I'm sure you make a lovely mum (or step mum) but you definitely are a lovely person! I'm getting all mushy now! Ill stop.

OP posts:

ThornAmongstRoses · 25/02/2021 22:03

Hi OP - not really relatable to your situation but I have epilepsy and am currently going through a difficult time of possibly having to change medications and I know how utterly crap it is and what a really horrible condition it is to live with....especially as ironically it actually stops you from having the freedom to live your life.

Thankfully I managed to squeeze in two children before everything took a downwards spiral.

Anyway....I know my response if of no help but I just wanted to come and offer you some support and empathy

AliceMcK · 25/02/2021 22:11

Take the medication, there is no point in worrying about something that isn’t even on the cards right now.

I too have chronic health conditions and a poor quality of life, but I do have 3 children already so your dilemma of more children isn’t the same for me. So far I’ve tried I think 5 different meds, one of which was a definite no children med. None have worked for me so far. I also have genetic issues which prevent me taking other meds. Im Currently on a break from anything as my DH has been working away so I can’t risk having adverse effects while I’m home alone with my DCs, one put me in bed for 4 months.

This medication may be just what you need or it may not, you won’t know until you try it. Good luck x

Iveputmyselfonthenaughtystep · 26/02/2021 05:22

I try, but I doubt myself too. However I can't be a complete failure as I'm currently hemmed in by two little people, one on each side, who have just materialised in my bed at some point during the night as mummy cuddles were obviously required. I try to listen to what they tell me over my own doubts but it's not easy. Have a good Friday.

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 26/02/2021 05:54

OP please take the medication, I'm so sorry it means giving up your dream of a bigger family. I know someone who died of epilepsy so I know how serious it can be, please prioritize your health.

partyatthepalace · 26/02/2021 20:00

I’d get a second opinion on alternatives

But once you’ve exhausted that then yes, you need to look after your own health and your son needs a healthy mum

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