To think that people don't know how to apologise?

[Ilovelove]

So I got thinking about this because of:

1. Was sat on a bench in a park and a tennis ball flew out of nowhere and smacked my 7 yo son in the face. Look across at tennis courts and two 20 year guys start to laugh. One comes over and makes a shitty remark about not knowing his serve was so strong.

No apology. No can I buy him an ice cream. I am sort of shocked because I have a child in hysterics and happily there was no blood and it was okay, but it could have been so much worse.

1. Sat on another bench today. When this friendly looking dog comes over sniffing about. Then cocks its leg on and starts to wee. It is only my lightening quick response that means I leap out the way and don't get dog piss on my leg.

The owner doesn't say sorry - even just for disturbing me.

AIBU to I think that people are just so crap at taking responsibility and saying sorry.

Maybe its fear, maybe its immaturity, maybe its ego.

What are your stories of people not saying sorry (when really it would have meant a lot)?

@oldperson1

I would have told both of them what f***g idiots they were. Especially the tennis player

Me too!

My little boy was fine - I am still shocked though - because a tennis ball out of no where at speed is horrendous.

I sort of was holding him and looking at the tennis player with a wide gaping mouth, sort of 'aren't you going to apologise then'..but afterwards of course I wish I had said something more along the lines of @CuriousaboutSamphire. You just called it out.

Maybe that's it - maybe that's a way to be more assertive - state it.
Your dog almost peed on my leg. It has disturbed my nice sitting in the sun.

Perhaps you need to avoid benches

Perhaps you need to avoid benches wink

That’s the exact mentality of some dog owners - “well, you shouldn’t sit on a bench if you don’t want to potentially be peed on” 🙄

@Helocariad

This reminds me of my first job. I was the new (lowest rank) person and he was one up from me (by not much) but behaved as if he was so freaking superior the whole time. He lost something very important and as I was the "apprentice" I had to look for it. I had to empty bins full of tea bags and food left overs, it was absolutely gross. After a morning of not actually getting any work done because I was rooting in bins, he found the thing on his desk. Didnt even offer me an apology. I wished I'd tipped the bin over his smug head!!

@Globe22 maybe you are right - they have not been kind to me and my family!!

@Roystonv

I think it is linked with the practice of businesses telling staff not to say sorry/admit liability. If people get used to worming their way out at work (i.e. being actively encouraged to avoid admittance of guilt) then it will get carried into daily life and affect manners.

I'm not sure. I think it begins in childhood and adolescence, long before people start work. It might be caused by parents who think their child can do no wrong (who berate the teacher for putting them in detention etc).

@Exhausteddog - we all dream of that movie style revenge ...but I think most of us are more in the 'don't do it' camp...happily we all agree he was a dick!!

It's usually not worth the risk of apologising to a stranger because a) you're admitting liability, your apology could be used as evidence against you in any legal action, and b) when I've been wrong and apologised I usually get more aggression and abuse back. E.g. a couple of years back a guy appeared to be pushing into a queue. I called him up on it, got a load of abuse and people told me he'd left the queue to get something and had "reserved" his space. I apologised (even though, based on the evidence available to me at the time, my calling out of him was just) and got even more abuse. A third "I'm sorry, I was wrong" led to - guess what - a threat to punch me.

A lot of people are rude, ignorant scum. They often are not worthy of an apology.

It happened to me in a crowded coffee shop at a National trust place. I was with my elderly mum and we both had a full tray each whilst the kids were sitting at a table. An excitable young girl of about 9 or 10 bashed into me and I was thankfully able to dodge a nasty accident, if it had been my mum the girl would have been wearing the pots of tea. I told the girl to be careful and that’s when the mum pops up with ‘she’s only a child!’ Had to actually explain to an adult woman that being a child and it being an accident doesn’t mean you don’t apologise!

I used to be a receptionist in a dental practice in my early 20s.

A woman came in and told me she had an appointment. I informed her that there was not a record of her having an appointment on our system. I was very polite and respectful to her.

The waiting room was full and she was going mad, for some reason the other patients started to join in and basically blame me as though I hadn't done my job properly!! mob mentality.

Well anyway the dentist agreed to see her to just calm her down. Turns out she had a hair dressing appointment not a dental appointment. She wrote it down wrong. She didn't apologise to me when she came out of course just scuttled away with her head down

'I think the word you are looking for is sorry / thank you'

I was rushing to work one morning. As I walked along ahead of me was a woman in jeans with her purse hanging out of her back pocket. I could see all her credit cards etc inches from falling out. I called out to her to let her know her purse was about to fall out. She whipped round and tucked her purse in properly, then gave me the dirtiest look ever before carrying on her way. Not a word of anything! I always wonder what i said wrong..

A couple of times I've accidentally knocked into someone and immediately apologised only to have them ignore me and glower to the person they are with, like they're too annoyed by your stupidity they can't even look at you and accept your apology. To me that's as rude as not apologising.

@Alexandernevermind I do this and my partner, mum, gran pretty much who ever is with me apart from my 9yo niece says “ oh god not again “ the niece on the other hand.... she says “ yeah Ella that’s soooo rude!!! It’s not hard to say thank you!! “

Roystonv
“I think it is linked with the practice of businesses telling staff not to say sorry/admit liability. If people get used to worming their way out at work (i.e. being actively encouraged to avoid admittance of guilt) then it will get carried into daily life and affect manners.”

I think so to. Then those people pass this behaviour onto their children.

AlexaShutUp I had something similar in the shop at Tate Modern when I was choosing some postcards. Nearby a woman and her teenage son were looking at T-shirts and he tried one on, elbowing me quite hard in the head as he put his arms through the sleeves. He didn't say sorry - the mother just said "be careful" in admonishment, but no apology was given and unlike you, I let them get away with it!

I put YABU as I apologise to strangers all the time. Even if I'm slightly in there way I'll apologise. I'd be begging forgiveness for those things. Hope your son is okay.

I think it's at least partly linked to parenting, and telling children off when they display challenging behaviour, rather than being neutral about it, and accepting it is age-appropriate, and involving them in fixing the issue.

So people feel ashamed and defensive and never learn how to accept responsibility and make reparations, because they are too busy panicking and thinking they are going to get into trouble, even if they act blase about it.

Not a sorry one, but a thank you one.
I remember being young and on a bus with my dad. An elderly lady got on and my dad stood up to give her his seat as the bus was full. She sat down. After a few minutes my dad said to her “ I’m sorry, what did you say?”

She said “I never said anything”
He came back with “oh sorry, I thought you said thank you!”

@dontdisturbmenow

You just have to read threads here with posters putting blame on others in situations where they were clearly in the wrong.

It drives me mad. It's ok to say 'sorry I was wrong'. It's actually quite liberating.

Completely agree. But I tend to apologise needlessly.

I really think saying sorry when you have hurt someone is a strong thing to do - especially if you really reflect on it, and try and see it from their point of view, even if there was no bad intention on your part. I definitely do this and don't try and deflect or project.

Mollypolly2610
Good on your Dad, that's a brilliant come back, I'm going to remember that one !!

@Mollypolly2610

Not a sorry one, but a thank you one. I remember being young and on a bus with my dad. An elderly lady got on and my dad stood up to give her his seat as the bus was full. She sat down. After a few minutes my dad said to her “ I’m sorry, what did you say?”

She said “I never said anything”
He came back with “oh sorry, I thought you said thank you!”

I’m dying to know what she said next?

2 dogs ran up to me and my 3yo son last summer while we were having a picnic. Dogs ran all over our blanket before eating my sons sandwiches. Owner said it was our fault for having a picnic.