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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave my 2mth old DD overnight with MiL?

41 replies

Ilovenutella · 04/11/2007 11:52

My MiL is arthritic, unsteady on her feet (has had a fall in the last six months). She is seeing her GP this week because of dizzy spells & disorientation. She smokes, is diabetic and doesn't eat properly e.g. often doesn't eat lunch. She is also a dreadful liar and unfortunately is often caught out. She also sometimes does things that I ask her not to do and I don't know whether it is deliberate or whether she forgets. Anyway, we are off to a wedding and my DH suggested we left DD with his mum and I said no and explained a few of the reasons why I felt uncomfy leaving her and that basically I couldn't trust MiL to look after DD safely. My DH said he felt insulted by this and I should stop looking for negative reasons and that I should start to look for positive reasons and build trust. (Am ok leaving DD with my mum who is fit, healthy and lives next door to my brother & his family, and near my sister and her family) My MiL lives alone with no-one near her too..... Feel awful as don't want to upset DH but don't know how to move forward?

OP posts:
MeltingandScreamingIcarus · 04/11/2007 12:04

Nope stick to your guns. The smoking alone would be enough for me never mind the rest of it.

TBH as soon as someone is descibed as having "had a fall" rather then fell over I don't think they should be charge of a teeny baby.

LIZS · 04/11/2007 12:07

YANBU I would n't either on grounds of her smoking and ongoing health issues . Perhaps she wouldn't feel so confident either. imo a 2 month old still needs mum at night anyway not a stranger in a strange palce. Can't you take her along ?

wheresthehamster · 04/11/2007 12:10

Your DH suggested her as a joke right?

TheWobblyGoddess · 04/11/2007 12:11

YANBU.

In the slightest.

chocchipcookie · 04/11/2007 12:13

Do not leave your baby with her. YANBU.

But for future reference I find it better to avoid criticism of the in-laws, even when it's justified, and say instead how easy/convenient etc it is to leave the baby with someone else 'because you wouldn't want MIL to be burdened at a time when she needs to looks after herself'.

Then make a big effort to visit her with the baby.

I would move the conversation away from MIL.

Original poster
Ilovenutella · 04/11/2007 12:19

No LIZS - it's a No babies/children wedding (which I don't mind -it's their wedding). Am prob going to leave her with my mum as lots of local support. Not sure how to manage things with DH as he thinks we should be able to leave her with MiL. I'm not sure I will ever be happy leaving DD with her (maybe when she is 18yrs old!?). This is our 1st child - and whereas I have lots of experience with babies (aunty to 7 kids!) my DH has v little experience and of course wants to defend his mum.

OP posts:
chocchipcookie · 04/11/2007 12:23

Your DH wants to include her which is fair enough but it doesn't have to be by looking after your baby! I had exactly the same issue with a member of my DH's family. I have never left the baby with her but found other things for her to do. Maybe she could entertain your baby by blowing smoke rings?

Original poster
Ilovenutella · 04/11/2007 12:27

CCC - will encourage her to practice tricks with smoke rings!!!!!

OP posts:
crokky · 04/11/2007 12:28

Move forward by arranging a visit to MIL soon, trying to include her etc, take her some flowers when you go??

I think DH needs to face facts - just because your mother and your MIL have the same relationship to your DD, it does not mean they are equally suitable and capable of looking after her.

Original poster
Ilovenutella · 04/11/2007 12:33

Crokky - agree completely. unfortunately MiL is obsessed with DH and anything I do is unnoticed. I recently sent her cards with photos of DD on - (we live abroad) and I spoke to MiL today and she said she loved the cards that her DH had made for her. I know that is churlish but just wanted to vent as am feeling sensitive about it all. My DH is so reasonable but he struggling to understand my concerns on this one - don't want to upset him in the process.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 04/11/2007 12:34

Hmm, positive reasons and building trust are all very well, but if she doesn't follow your wishes, and lies to you, how is she building trust? (Does he sees the lying, and the failing to follow your wishes?)

FrannyandZooey · 04/11/2007 12:37

no way

hunkermunker · 04/11/2007 12:38

Can you show him a "CV" of her qualifications, the lying, unsteadiness, smoking, etc, etc - and ask him if he would let "this person" look after your DD? Ask him to set aside the "but it's my mother" stuff - just on her "qualifications" to do the job.

Original poster
Ilovenutella · 04/11/2007 12:39

He does see/hear the lying but he says she is after my approval or that I should just ignore it. She is a single parent & he is a only child - so he is used to this bhvr. But I am just not. I find the lying the hardest to accept as with every lie that becomes uncovered I just want to say 'why?' to her. (at the moment I daren't say anything). If my mum was to lie like this I would be mortified and would want to discuss the reasons with her. Not sure I should with MiL though?

OP posts:
Lulumamaintheskywithfireworks · 04/11/2007 12:39

of course you are not being unreasonable

maybe DH is in denial about his mother's failing health

she does not sound strong enough to look after a 2 month old

the fact she could fall whilst carrying your baby is enough,

what does she lie about?

NotQuiteCockney · 04/11/2007 12:41

It's hard for people to see the weakness and problems in their own parents. You don't know how you'd behave if your mum was like this - if she was, you'd be a different person, iyswim.

Does she know she's been caught out, when she lies?

Hard to know what to recommend, other than 'good god don't leave your baby with her'.

LIZS · 04/11/2007 12:42

setting aside opinion on excluding the very young baby of people travelling some distance to a wedding. Has your dh seen much of mil since her fall? Perhaps he does n't appreciate just how vulnerable she and , in turn, your dd might be or may be he chooses not to see it ? It sounds as if communictaion between them is not great (he could have told herd how much effort you had put into the cards for example) and maybe he has a false image of what sort of granma she could be. Even so your family soudn a safer bet on this occasion . Go overboard and make a special effort to visit when you are nearby and continue to send her things but it does n't sound as if she is up to doing all dh imagines in return, sadly.

Original poster
Ilovenutella · 04/11/2007 12:46

Long story about lying - but for e.g. she took our dog for a walk (gone about 40mins) and then told me she ran all the way when she is wobbly walking?! She tells family members she comes to our house (UK house) every week to cook and clean. She doesn't. She tells family she does the accounts at her work - she works on the checkout. When she has stayed at our house she has left the front bay window open and the front door unlocked and left the house to go into town for coffee - and then denied it. (a friend popped over and found the house deserted and rang me in a panic) etc etc. God I sound likw a wicked moaning witch - am just worried how this could escalate with me and DH?

OP posts:
edam · 04/11/2007 13:00

YANBU at all, your dh is being ridiculous suggesting you leave a tiny, vulnerable baby with someone who is not up to looking after them and can't be trusted.

And btw, I'd be highly pissed off at people expecting the parents of such a tiny baby to dump said baby and travel miles to their wedding. Can just about understand 'no children' weddings but all the objections are to do with the exuberance of toddlers/children, not tiny babies. The only thing a baby could do to interrupt proceedings is to cry, and then the parent takes them out.

NotQuiteCockney · 04/11/2007 13:11

It's really hard to know how to deal with this sort of thing with your DH. Can you sit down with him, look him in the eyes and just talk about it? It sounds like you're trying very hard, even on here, to be fair to her, but she really doesn't sound all there. Certainly not all there enough to be taking care of a two-month old.

TheYoungVisiter · 04/11/2007 13:28

YA definitely NBU. It sounds like your DH is having trouble coming to terms with his mother's failing health and age, and that this is confusing the issue.

I think it is enough to say that you don't want to leave your (very, very tiny) baby with her, and unless he pushes it, don't go on about reasons. Just say "look I would have a miserable time at the wedding without DD - please don't upset me by going on about this"

At the end of the day you shouldn't have to leave your child with anyone that you don't want to, it doesn't matter if they are as qualified at Doctor Spock, it's up to you, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. But perhaps telling your DH his mother is "at fault" in some way, and not capable of looking after your DD is not going help him accept the situation, and it might be easier/less upsetting for him to just say "Great idea, but I don't want to".

(I agree she doesn't sound capable of looking after her, but your DH may never accept that, iyswim, whereas he may find it easier to accept that you would be miserable about it,and that that's reason enough not to do it.)

meglet · 04/11/2007 19:54

YANBU. Visit her as soon as you can, but don't let your DD stay with her!

puffling · 04/11/2007 20:00

Are you talking about my MIL? They sound indistinguishable.
Don't leave the baby with her. There's no easy resolution to this. DH will be cross with you, and that will make you miserable, but at least your child will be safe.

HonoriaGlossop · 04/11/2007 20:29

I think the easy resolution is not to go. It's only a wedding. And it's not obligatory to leave a baby overnight - many children are never left overnight with anyone, or not until they are years rather than months old.

If it was going to be this much of an issue for me with my DH then I would simply not go to the wedding.

Your DH does sound unrealistic about his mum, however I really can see that if the baby is left with your family but not his then that is un-balanced. Obviously that's for a very good reason and you are quite right, but he seems blinded by his closeness to his mum - very sweet of him, but he does I think need to prioritise your child now.

however if it's 'only' a wedding then it's pretty easy to avoid the issue if you don't want to face it just now.

stripeytiger · 04/11/2007 20:34

You are definitely not being unreasonable. Stick to your guns, you, your dh and your MIL would never forgive yourselves if something happened.

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