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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to know which of my children is lying

84 replies

Peopletry · 22/02/2021 22:08

I’ve been looking for my kindle for a few days.
Yesterday I Asked dd if she’d seen it and she said no.
Today I asked ds if he’d seen it and he said he thought he’d seen dd hide it under her bed.
I went looking for it again in dd’s room and as I got closer to her bed asked her casually again if she’d seen it.
She then tells me she thinks she remembers seeing it on the end of her bed. After some searching I find it well under the bed.
She then told me that ds had brought it in.

Obviously my biggest issue is why either of them would hide it and lie in the first place but I kind of need to establish what’s happened without falsely accusing one of them.
If ds js telling the truth and dd hid it, ds must have seen her do it and didn’t say anything at the time.
If ds hid it then it’s feasible that dd didn’t see the actual hiding but did see him bring it in and have it near the end of her bed.

I’m really disappointed that one of them a. hid it and b. Is trying to get the other one in trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peopletry · 22/02/2021 22:39

I’m not going to punish now. I think they knew by my reaction when I found it -quiet, not surprised by it being there that I wasn’t impressed.
I’ll let it go and have a separate chat with them about telling the truth

OP posts:
SeaToSki · 22/02/2021 22:45

Next time they want you to do something for them, say you are going to read your kindle instead as you missed being able to read it the other day as you had to spend so long looking for it. No pressure just easy breezy and then sit down with a cup of tea and read for half an hour. It will make them think about you being a real person with feelings (not just a Mummy-bot) which is all that needs to happen here

Mischance · 22/02/2021 22:48

I think you should say to them both at the same time that you are feeling a bit disappointed about the whole thing, as telling the truth is very important. And then just leave it.

Haffdonga · 22/02/2021 22:51

From your account I'm afraid it sounds like your dd was lying. First she says she hasn't seen it at all. Then when you get nearby she coincidentally remembers it might be near the end of the bed . Only after you find it she suddenly remembers it was ds.

It sounds like blaming her brother was an afterthought to get herself off the hook rather than her initial motivation.

The important question though is WHY would she do this? Did it start as a joke? Is she angry with you for something? Upset about something? Needing your attention? Is it an issue with her screen time? Your screen time? Avoiding something else?

I think you need to talk to her quite calmly and matter of fact about why she did it and worry about punishment or consequences down the line once you know what's going on.

Sapho47 · 22/02/2021 22:55

"I’m really disappointed that one of them a. hid it and b. Is trying to get the other one in trouble."

How else will they learn social skills like lying though?

Viviennemary · 22/02/2021 22:55

I'd want to know which one was lying. I'd guess your DD is the culprit.

Cocopogo · 22/02/2021 22:55

I have done the sit there and nobody moves tactic, it doesn’t work as they get bored and lie that they took it just to end the punishment and then I end up none the wiser!

MargaretThursday · 22/02/2021 23:01

Do ds and dd share a room?
Does ds often go in dd's room?

You see, if ds would rarely be in dd's room then it sounds a bit of a fluke that he would happen to be in at the point that she happened to hide it. And if she'd taken it to hide, then surely she'd have hidden it straight away rather than waiting for him to come in (as you say they haven't used it).

So either they colluded to take it (both taking it to dd's room and hiding it), ds hid it to get her into trouble or dd took it and didn't use it, but hid it later.

But actually, I think I'd make nothing of it. If one of them was trying to get the other into trouble then it's backfired. If they both colluded to take it, then they'll both be feeling a bit guilty because they know the other knows they were in on it to, and if one took it to use, they haven't got away with doing it.
And also then if it was accidentally picked up (eg with washing-happens frequently in this house) and done without malice aforethought then neither of them ends up feeling unfairly blamed and hurt.

One of those times when least said soonest mended.

Sweettea1 · 22/02/2021 23:05

I wouldn't even think twice about this behaviour you have your kindle thats the main thing I thought it was going to be broken or something. Kids will be kids dd had probably forgotten it was on her bed in first place.

Lachimolala · 22/02/2021 23:08

You know I’m leaning toward DS being the culprit, only because I was a toerag at 7 and went through a stage of doing stuff like this to get my elder sister in trouble, we were always arguing and my mum always took her side even when she was in the wrong. This was my version of revenge 😬

chipsandgin · 22/02/2021 23:15

How about a joint ‘It’s all behind us now but I want you to know that I’m really disappointed that one of you is responsible for my kindle going missing, that you both blamed each other and that we obviously aren’t all able to be honest with each other...’ & see which one looks the most guilty! Then let it go...in the big scheme of things it’s not worth sweating the small stuff.

caringcarer · 22/02/2021 23:16

This reminds me about my coat. DS had ADHD and mild tourettes and a history of cutting. He always admitted cutting things though. He cut bed sheets, school trousers, bags, anything he could teally. He once took a pencil sharpener to bits and used blade to cut with. DD did not get on with DS as she said he was an embarrassment. In those days we were very poor and I really never got new clothes unless my Mum or one of my sisters or Aunties bought me something. I saved all of my birthday and Christmas money and bought this pure new wool smart green coat in January sales. I loved it. 6 weeks later I went to put it on and it was cut right up from back of hem right up about 6 inches. I could see it had been cut on purpose. I asked my DS if he had cut it, he said no. I asked my DD about it and she said her brother always cut things. I was so upset. To this day, over 20 years later, I still don't know which one of them cut it. DS says his sister did it to get him in trouble and she says she would not do it so it must have been DS. Only other option is that first husband did it.

Whythesadface · 22/02/2021 23:16

Please don't fall into the trap I did of needing to know who did it.
Both will say the other and your going to be punishing one who told the truth.
All you can do is tell them both that your hurt they took your Kindle, had they asked you would have lent it too them.
Remind them how much they hate it when someone takes their toys.

ViciousJackdaw · 22/02/2021 23:18

Just a thought - is the Kindle still working?

m0therofdragons · 22/02/2021 23:24

I usually say “I know who it is so I suggest you go and take a moment away from me to consider how you’re going to apologise and until i get an apology you need to both give me space because I’m very disappointed.”

They go off to their rooms and dd2 comes and confesses (it’s always dd2 and each time I really want to give her the benefit of the doubt but it’s always her). I never lose it when she confesses and am always positive “thank you for being honest” type approach then there’s a consequence that I make clear is largely for lying as we all make mistakes so an immediate apology and admittance is usually sufficient!

truthisalie · 22/02/2021 23:26

but maybe I’m making too much out of it

Yes, you're making too much of it.

PawPawNoodle · 22/02/2021 23:26

If ds js telling the truth and dd hid it, ds must have seen her do it and didn’t say anything at the time

Why would it be his responsibility to come running to you just because he saw his sister doing something? He's 7, it might not have occurred to him or maybe he didn't want to get his sister in trouble, but wouldn't lie when asked directly.

Wholeheartedly think it was your daughter and I'd doubly punish her for lying and trying to get her brother in trouble.

truthisalie · 22/02/2021 23:26

*out

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2021 23:34

I have had similar issues in the past (6 kids age range 30 to 9 so...) and I have taken the "Teacher" approach of no one gets anything nice until the person who did it owns up.

Usually worked it out within the first five minutes by who is shouting the least at the unfairness. Longest it took was 20 minutes of no broadband when eldest DD at home at the time went apeshit at two of her youngest siblings that one of them had better damn well own up as she had GCSE work to submit.

Ime it works if only because the innocent party threatens to murder the guilty one :o

FrumpyDumpyDragon · 22/02/2021 23:36

My best guess would be that the Kindle was hidden as "revenge". Has your daughter been punished or denied something around the time it went missing? If you're limiting her screen time, maybe this was her way of retaliating. Or maybe not, but that seems like the most likely explanation. Petty tit-for-tat.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2021 23:37

I would also add that the attitude of "dont make a mountain etc" and letting shit go is teaching them that by working together they can run rings around you.

Today I had a call from SS, because my son has been so unspeakably vile school are threatening to exclude him, my 16 yr old DD has moved to her dads and I am genuinely thinking of saying to his dad that he has to take his turn with him now as youngest DD and I are done with his aggression.

I let stuff go, on the advice of "teens will be teens, he'll grow out of it, pick your battles" and guess what? He thinks he is Billy Big Bollocks who can do what he likes.

Bluenightowl · 22/02/2021 23:40

My DC2 does this kind of thing a lot and it really bothers me.

It isn't about borrowing things at all (although I'd prefer if she asked before taking something from my bedroom). Its about lying about taking them. I worry its a precedent for the future teen years. I worry that I have done something wrong and DC2's moral compass is lacking. I worry DC2 doesn't have any respect for other people's belongings and can lie (far too easily) about it.

Its also very difficult to have a conversation about lying when DC2 is still lying to me about whatever resulted in the conversation about lying.

Up until recently, like a lot of posters advised, I didn't make a big deal about it at all But the last time it happened, I snapped and told her I was taking something (a favourite toy) belonging to her so she'd know what it felt like.

I don't want to tempt fate but so far it seems to have worked.

Hollywolly1 · 22/02/2021 23:50

People on here about punishment seriously WTF HmmHmmHmm they are kids who knows why they hid it ,they don't even know themselves so just let it go I've never heard of anything so rediculous

truthisalie · 22/02/2021 23:53

People on here about punishment seriously WTF

Hear, hear.

PyongyangKipperbang · 22/02/2021 23:55

@Hollywolly1

People on here about punishment seriously WTF HmmHmmHmm they are kids who knows why they hid it ,they don't even know themselves so just let it go I've never heard of anything so rediculous
Good luck with that when you start to actually impose boundaries and they are absolute shites to you because for the last 15 years there have been none.

Easier to train a 7 year old that lying is a non starter than trying to figure out which of your teenagers is nicking cash out of your purse....