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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ice cream!

37 replies

Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 13:28

I know I know, another one of these threads, I’m hoping you’ll hear me out and be able to offer some constructive advice.

So, I’m not food strict at all with my children. Everything is allowed, I don’t really have an issue with chocolate or sweets. I’ve done this because I have issues with emotional eating and I feel like when things are off limits it encourages wreckless eating of those things.

This brings me to my current issue. My children’s grandparents (my husbands parents for what it’s worth).
There’s just no limits on what they allow and when lockdown happened I was quite glad for the break because an awkward conversation about it was looming. They’re so excessive with it, for example giving my then 5 year old a mini magnum and then proceeding to give her another straight after just because she asked. In that same visit she was also allowed a chocolate bar, a muffin and some other bits and bobs too. It got to the point my daughter would ask for food as soon as entered.

We haven’t seen since them since November and they keep giving us bags of sweets, by bags of sweets I mean- 5-6 bags of share bag sweets like haribo (at a time)

But now they seem to have started wanting to bring the children an ice cream from McDonald’s every week. I don’t like this at all, we haven’t seen them bar the odd chat we’ve had through a car window. They never come and chat to the children for 5 minutes at the door, just seemingly want to come bring them an ice cream to which the kids sit down with it and no conversation really happens between them.

I really sense they’re using food to show their love to the children and it’s making me feel really uncomfortable, especially in these times.
I’m currently struggling to lose weight and I don’t want my children developing unhealthy relationships with food like I’m currently trying to work through.

I’m well aware it’s just an ice cream but last week the night before they wanted to bring one my husband brought one home for the children so I asked if they’d not bring one the following day- this was met with my mother in law telling me at the door that my father in law wanted to undermine this and bring one anyway and that they’ll be bringing one next week. (They weren’t going to come but came to get something my daughter had made).

Anyway... please tell me if you think I’m ridiculous. If you don’t think so- please tell me how I can gently approach this without looking like the biggest killjoy ever.

Thanks!

OP posts:
Graphista · 22/02/2021 13:40

Why gently? You've tried gently it hasn't worked. Now you need to be firm.

I had similar issues with my parents well especially my mum who adores her grandkids but does tend to also show love in a similar way. She is a fantastic cook and baker so whenever we went over there were always cakes and buns and biscuits etc

I tried gently at first too, didn't work, then I went firm but also gave her other ideas for "gifts" that could be at her house for dd or things she could do with her. Dd loved colouring and painting, making things, she was mad about toy motorbikes at this stage especially the wind up ones so I said to mum get her something like that just from the £1 shop so then mum would get her crayons or coloured pipe cleaners or a new motorbike and dd was very happy with these treats.

My brother did as I did

The tack we found worked better was not the overweight potential but actually "it's not good for her teeth" which seemed to work better for some reason.

My sister never tackled it and in this respect she and mum are very similar. Food = love. Sister and her dc are all very overweight which is sad. When they were younger her dc were very active and fit, now they are on games consoles all the time and eating a lot of junk. I'm nc with sister for other reasons and while I have told mum and others repeatedly not to discuss her with me and vice versa they still do which is how I know. Friends have also seen dns around locally and commented on this to me, especially as they mainly seen them in mcds or KFC's and I'm meaning several times a week (one friend works in one of these places)

Nip it now

Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 13:48

I just feel like the gentle way is always the best way when it comes to my husbands parents.
I’ve had issues with being undermined in the past and I’d rather live an easy life.
They’re the only grandparents my children have due to mine not being here anymore so I sometimes feel a lot of guilt for things I shouldn’t

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 22/02/2021 14:03

Just say,

"we're cutting back on sugar so either an ice cream or sweets this week please, not both"

Pretty simple.

Graphista · 22/02/2021 14:03

If they are in the habit of undermining you, then quite honestly you won't get a quiet life trying to deal with it gently.

Many many mners have had similar and I have the same with my parents. People like this don't understand gentle you have to be clear and assertive...unless you're happy to capitulate and have that affect your dc?

Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:15

But then it’s I get told they’ll bring one next week @DavidsSchitt it wouldn’t surprise me if one is brought here this week spontaneously. So I can’t say no.

OP posts:
DavidsSchitt · 22/02/2021 14:20

Why can't they give the kids a treat every week?

And you can say no whenever you like. Just put it in the freezer

SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2021 14:25

I think the big thing after lockdown is not to use them for childcare if they aren't feeding them appropriately.

I'd also make it clear that you ration what they're given - so if they hand over a big bag of sweets, take a couple out and tell them they can have some more tomorrow. When they become Ng the next bag explain you've still got some left but thank you. If they insist on leaving it, take it straight away and put it away. Get the old bag and give the kids a couple of sweets.

If you know they bring an ice cream Sunday afternoons, don't let them have other treats before hand. If it comes right after they've had dessert, put it on the freezer for later.

In a balanced diet, two small ice creams over two days isn't going to cause your children a problem and over lockdown when they can't hold or play with the kids as such I can understand it being an easy out.

After lockdown I'd take the sweets away and say you'll leave them later and then get the kids to play a game with them or show them their new dance etc

Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:25

@DavidsSchitt they get enough, honestly. We go most weekends at the moment just to get out the house, sit in the car with it. I wish they’d bring something that wasn’t food and not just food all the time.

To be honest I wish they’d just come to the door and speak to them for 10 minutes, much more rewarding for the kids than an ice cream. (Which theyre not really bothered by in itself as we don’t have a restrictive barrier to anything).

I guess a little bit of this too is that they know I have no support here, my husband is always at work, I’ve been looking after the children on my own, they know I’m struggling. Offering help would be nice, not just them swinging by with food just because they want to make the kids happy for a second. I don’t think it’s healthy at all.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 22/02/2021 14:27

Are you in a bubble with them op?

Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:27

We don’t use them for childcare- I rarely get a break from these children.
She did this whilst I was in the next room.

My husbands mum occasionally will have the kids for an hour or 2 so we can go out for food together but when I say occasionally I mean, probably 3 times a year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:28

We’re not no. She recently judged her neighbours having the childcare bubble bevause you know- her neighbours daughter doesn’t work so why does she need childcare?

😐

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 22/02/2021 14:32

Ca
How about a children's magazine? My kids used to enjoy a Kinder egg with toy and minimal amount of chocolate.

Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:34

Honestly I’d be thrilled at that over McDonald’s ice creams and massive bags of sweets.

OP posts:
steppemum · 22/02/2021 14:46

You know that being assertive can be gentle?

What I mean is that being firm doesn't need to be aggressive or confrontational.

Give them a heads up - we find that the kids are just eating so many sweets and treats in lockdown, we'd like your help in cutting it back to something more reasonable. We knwo that you like to show the kids love by buying food, so i thought maybe I coudl suggest some things which aren't sweets and ise creams?
here are 10 things that you could get instead to show your love.

Then when they do come unexpectedly to the door with sweets, smile, and be kind but firm - they have had their treats for today, so I'll put them in the cupboard.

But th eice cream. harder - I think a very clear time line - eg once a week, Sunday treat, and don't buy ice cream yourself?

Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:48

Yeah that’s fair. Honestly the weekend ice cream is the only thing keeping me sane atm.
Having an incredibly difficult time with my 4 year old right now, it’s one of the only times we’re all enjoying each others company (no arguments, it’s fab).

OP posts:
Nellythemouse · 22/02/2021 14:50

We had a similar issue with buying absolutely endless toys. Gentle didn’t work. In the end I quite bluntly said “Do you want the children to enjoy your visits because they like you, you show an interest in them, play with them and talk to them? Or do you want to buy their passing interest with cheap toys, to the point they’re really only interested in what you’ve brought them when you visit? Is that really what you want your relationship to be about?” They took my point, to an extent and have reined it in a bit.

Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:52

I relate to that a lot. I have noticed the kids look forward to the food more than their actual grandparents.
Its actually really sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:55

They’re not too fussed with the ice creams. It’s quite sad to see my daughters face when they leave after handing them over.
She would much prefer to actually engage with them for 10-15 mins than them hand her food and go.

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 22/02/2021 14:56

They’re your husband’s parents. Where is he in all this? What is his view?

Original poster
Fieldsofstars · 22/02/2021 14:58

He has no backbone when it comes to them at all.

That’s an issue in itself

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 22/02/2021 14:58

I would also say (and this is extreme) my parents didn’t rein in daily sweets my childminder brought and were much too permissive about having sweet stuff in the house in general; wrecked my teeth.

Rein it in now.

Piglet89 · 22/02/2021 15:00

@Fieldsofstars there’s the nub of the issue. This needs to be a United front from the pair of you. More difficult if you’re trying to do this and he isn’t backing you up; hearing it from your daughter in law will never be as powerful as it will be from both your son and daughter in law.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 22/02/2021 15:02

You can be both direct and gentle.

You could say "I know you bring the kids sweets and an ice cream for a treat, but actually what they really look forward to is seeing you, and they would rather sit and have a chat with you for 10 minutes than eat food. Also, I really meant it when I said once a week, and no more than one sweet treat in any one day / visit. It would be a waste if it got to the point where I am throwing ice creams away" "well I will throw them away if they have already had one, and that's that"

And then politely stick to your point "Yes, DH agrees with me" (He needs to!!) "I think we have had this conversation, ooh, look the sun is coming out"

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 22/02/2021 15:03

@Piglet89

They’re your husband’s parents. Where is he in all this? What is his view?
Tell them this. Especially about her being sad to see them go, because she wants to talk to them, and is not bothered by ice cream. Ask if they think she only loves them because of the ice cream?
C231009 · 22/02/2021 15:17

My parents and the in laws are the same. We aren’t overly strict with food but we do set limits cos they both have a little belly on them and would eat and eat if we let them. Grandparents just buy them food all the wine and huge quantities. Thanks to covid it hasn’t been a massive problem for a while but my mother dropped off some bits this morning (to the doorstep) so the kids wanted chocolate she gave them for breakfast! Wonderful..

They mean well but it drives me mad.

I have no advice but put your foot down!