Ice cream!

[Fieldsofstars]

I know I know, another one of these threads, I’m hoping you’ll hear me out and be able to offer some constructive advice.

So, I’m not food strict at all with my children. Everything is allowed, I don’t really have an issue with chocolate or sweets. I’ve done this because I have issues with emotional eating and I feel like when things are off limits it encourages wreckless eating of those things.

This brings me to my current issue. My children’s grandparents (my husbands parents for what it’s worth).
There’s just no limits on what they allow and when lockdown happened I was quite glad for the break because an awkward conversation about it was looming. They’re so excessive with it, for example giving my then 5 year old a mini magnum and then proceeding to give her another straight after just because she asked. In that same visit she was also allowed a chocolate bar, a muffin and some other bits and bobs too. It got to the point my daughter would ask for food as soon as entered.

We haven’t seen since them since November and they keep giving us bags of sweets, by bags of sweets I mean- 5-6 bags of share bag sweets like haribo (at a time)

But now they seem to have started wanting to bring the children an ice cream from McDonald’s every week. I don’t like this at all, we haven’t seen them bar the odd chat we’ve had through a car window. They never come and chat to the children for 5 minutes at the door, just seemingly want to come bring them an ice cream to which the kids sit down with it and no conversation really happens between them.

I really sense they’re using food to show their love to the children and it’s making me feel really uncomfortable, especially in these times.
I’m currently struggling to lose weight and I don’t want my children developing unhealthy relationships with food like I’m currently trying to work through.

I’m well aware it’s just an ice cream but last week the night before they wanted to bring one my husband brought one home for the children so I asked if they’d not bring one the following day- this was met with my mother in law telling me at the door that my father in law wanted to undermine this and bring one anyway and that they’ll be bringing one next week. (They weren’t going to come but came to get something my daughter had made).

Anyway... please tell me if you think I’m ridiculous. If you don’t think so- please tell me how I can gently approach this without looking like the biggest killjoy ever.

Thanks!

@Fieldsofstars

We’re not no. She recently judged her neighbours having the childcare bubble bevause you know- her neighbours daughter doesn’t work so why does she need childcare?

😐

Well she can't help because she's not in a bubble with you so I don't know what you're expecting from her. They shouldn't really be standing on your doorstep for 10 minutes talking to them but it's a bit late to deter them from visiting because of Covid when you've not bothered thus far.

I don't understand how she gave your 5 yo two mini magnums, a chocolate bar, a muffin and some other bits and bobs without you being aware whilst you were visiting together.

And if you don't get a y help with "these children" that's on your DH, not your extended family. Why isn't he helping?

'No more than one small sweet treat and not every time, your grandchildren like to see you, honestly, not just the ice creams'. Say 'we have to be the mean parents who make sure their treats are balanced over the week with eating stuff that's healthy for them, so it's not just you we have to say no to'. Maybe suggest they give them a piggy bank and 20p to go in it when they visit.

Also, if they're insistent on ice cream, tell them to buy a pack of mini milks for the supermarket. They're a much better choice than amy other types of ice creams. I'm doing weight watchers and use them as my sweet treat as they only contain one weight watchers point!

But seriously, you and your DH need to present a United front and really put your foot down if your not comfortable with it. I have the same problem with my DM tbh, ever time she visits she brings DS lots of chocolate and gets shitty if I try to mention it.

I’m sorry you have food issues yourself. They can be very difficult to deal with.

You are running the risk of allowing your own issues to impact your children here though if you control them in this way.

A lot of food issues (including overeating) can stem from shortage or restriction of food initially rather than over supply.

You’re definitely getting into he territory or making food a control battleground and that is really unhealthy. Much more potentially unhealthy in the long run than a few extra sweets now and then.

‘ Well she can't help because she's not in a bubble with you so I don't know what you're expecting from her. They shouldn't really be standing on your doorstep for 10 minutes talking to them but it's a bit late to deter them from visiting because of Covid when you've not bothered thus far.’

We aren’t bubbled with anybody, neither are they.
We can’t bubble with them anyway because neither household is a single household.

They can be used as a childcare bubble though, am I right?

And thank you to everyone else for a comment. Really handy to see multiple sides.

‘ I don't understand how she gave your 5 yo two mini magnums, a chocolate bar, a muffin and some other bits and bobs without you being aware whilst you were visiting together.’

I was in the next room, wasn’t able to step in before they were given.

They can be used as a childcare bubble though, am I right? If you need childcare and they're willing, but I'm not sure if there's any rules on what constitutes why you need childcare iyswim.

I'm not having a go, I just think you need to take back control.

If you child ate two mini magnums, a chocolate bar, a muffin and some other bits and bobs in 10 minutes all whilst you're in another room then I'm amazed they weren't sick. Lesson learnt. Don't leave them alone for more than a few minutes. If you're leaving them for longer,don't because you know they can't be trusted. If you walked in and some of it was uneaten, take it away. If she hands the kids sweets, give them one or two bad put the bag away for later and give them a couple after dinner every few nights just before they clean their teeth.

Anything else requires you being more direct and you don't want to do that, which is fine, but you have to take back control where you can.

I told MIL she was not to hand over gifts as she walked in the door, so when DS said what have you got me, he was told kisses bad cuddles. Then if she gives him something later fine. Big treats get split or shared. A small bag of buttons once a week (he won't touch ice cream but same applies) would just mean less treats layer or tomorrow.

I totally get what you’re saying about using junk food as a replacement for spending quality time actually talking to the kids, and engaging with them as people. My ex-MIL is exactly the same. She doesn’t actually talk to my girls when we go round. Just endless trips back and forward to the biscuit tin and the freezer.

But equally... I do think you’re being a bit uptight about the ice-cream. If you think them having one with you at the weekend and one on the week that the GPs drop off is too much... then you’re nowhere near as relaxed about food as you’ve convinced yourself you are. McD’s ice creams are fairly small. It’s not like having a pint of Ben and Jerry’s each.

"They can be used as a childcare bubble though, am I right?"

Well, you don't just "use" them. Do you need childcare to work?

It doesn’t matter if I did. There are no terms to a childcare bubble.

Bar this:
What a childcare bubble is
A childcare bubble is where one household links with one other household to provide informal childcare to anyone under 14. All adults in both households must agree to this arrangement. ‘Informal’ childcare means it is unpaid and unregistered.

Members of either household can provide childcare in a home or public place. This includes overnight care.

You can only have one childcare bubble with one other household. This means no household should be part of more than one childcare bubble.

Presumably you don't want her as childcare though as you don't trust her