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Original poster

Should I stay or should I go

37 replies

TheBookworm88 · 22/02/2021 13:06

NC as details are quite outing. Bit of background DH and I are together about 4years and have a 6month old DD (unplanned but very wanted). During the pregnancy I developed a chronic health issue which is ongoing and requires quite a few appointments etc (this is all relevant)
DH has a high powered, well paid career so I'm often alone with DD and there are days I struggle due to the health issues. DH does help but has issues with alcohol so I do sometimes feel unsupported. I've tried to bring up the drinking before but he gets extremely defensive. Since DD was born we have been arguing more but normally over fairly small issues. Last night I brought up an issue to DH in a very calm and measured manner (when he was drinking but not drunk) and he flipped and accused me of 'always attacking him'. He stormed out of the room and I was left completely bewildered at his reaction. I followed him out and he said that things weren't working out and that everything I did annoyed him. I asked for examples but he was quite vague. He then stated that my health issues were wearing him down, he doesn't love me and he was only with me out of pity/because we have DD together. I was completely shocked at this as on the whole we get on quite well. I agree my health issues can take their toll but I greatly downplay them to DH so not to burden him. After a discussion he admitted he might be depressed but wasn't sure how much of the problem was me or him. I went to bed very upset and shook up. This morning DH said he'd like to work through things (as would I) but when I asked him did he mean what he said about staying with me out of pity etc he replied that he wasn't sure. I know I sound like such a bloody doormat but I desperately love DH and want to stay with him as most of the time we get on really well. And truthfully I couldn't manage DD without him (at least until I get the health issue sorted). I'm feeling extremely hurt and vulnerable at the minute as well as a complete burden to him. I don't have anyone to help me with DD if we did separate. I asked him would he maybe try to get help for the way he's feeling but he refused. I don't know what to do. I know the advice will undoubtedly be to ltb, but until I recover it's not an option, plus I think much of it is his issue rather than a problem with the relationship. I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through similar .

OP posts:
Original poster
TheBookworm88 · 22/02/2021 16:34

Optimistic bump!

OP posts:
greeneyedlulu · 22/02/2021 16:37

Personally I dont think I could stay with someone after them telling me they were only with me out of pity. Can you try counselling? Would he try that?

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 22/02/2021 16:40

I would maybe try couples counselling but I would also expect DH to access his own counselling for the alcohol/potential depression. Only then could I potentially get over the pity/because of DD comment.

Ponoka7 · 22/02/2021 16:41

Depression goes with alcohol abuse, instead of taking control he's dumping it on you.

Personally I'd make my own plans. Think about what you want in a year/three/five. Things aren't going to get any better until he stops drinking.

Merryoldgoat · 22/02/2021 16:48

A) you shouldn’t love anyone ‘desperately’ - I know it’s a turn of phrase but it sounds - well - desperate. Love shouldn’t be to your detriment.

B) You shouldn’t have to minimise health problems - someone who cares will or SHOULD want to help you.

C) if he doesn’t want to seek help for his drinking then what hope is there genuinely?

Member984815 · 22/02/2021 16:51

You need to take steps to leave him , especially if he won't seek help for his depression and alcohol issues. What he said was so nasty and it's not your fault at all

Aquamarine1029 · 22/02/2021 16:54

The fighting, the drinking, the beginnings of the Script, it all doesn't bode well.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 22/02/2021 16:56

You’ve done nothing wrong by bringing up the issues you have, but he’s clearly not going be able to act on it while he has problems with alcohol and depression.

Having said that, I would have insisted on his dealing with his problems before now, as soon as his drinking had an impact on family life, rather than putting up with it at all - if not being able to care properly for his child isn’t enough of a motivation, I’d be giving him an ultimatum at that point.

However, you are where you are, and now you need to evaluate the likelihood of anything changing, and factor that into your decision making. Personally, I would have stopped loving him that very minute if my husband had spoken to me the way yours has to you, regardless of how ill he is. Some things are unforgivable, and in vino veritas and all that. You, though, say you still love him desperately. Do you love him enough to stay and carry on living like this if nothing changes? Are you content for your daughter to grow up with him like this? Unless and until he wants to tackle his issues, then you have to expect that there is no miracle around the corner which will suddenly make it all right. You could try giving him an ultimatum - get help and stick to it or I am leaving you - but it’s unlikely to work unless he is ready to put in the hard work it will take. His attitude so far doesn’t indicate he loves you or respects you enough to want to do it for you, but you might want to try it anyway. Just be realistic about the likely outcomes, and start valuing yourself and your daughter highly enough not to put up with this.

RandomMess · 22/02/2021 16:57

His true love is alcohol

Thanks
Atalune · 22/02/2021 16:57

How much does he drink?

The comments are really bad. Below the belt bad- and I wonder sadly they are true because he was drunk he spoke without filter.

You shouldn’t downplay your health. That’s not fair. And I’m guessing doesn’t really help you with your recovery?

It’s all rather sad. Sorry. Don’t stay with someone because you feel like there is nowhere else to go.

Original poster
TheBookworm88 · 22/02/2021 17:04

Thank you for the replies everyone. Yeah I'm really hurt at what he said about only staying out of pity etc. I don't know how much he meant it and how much is deflection of his own feelings but either way it was a cruel and unnecessary comment. I understand he can't help being depressed but his refusal to speak to someone is unfair. I know I'm probably not a barrel of laughs to live with at times but I do my upmost to minimise the pain and put on a brave face for his sake. I think he likely feels that he didn't sign up for this (unplanned pregnancy and miserable wife), but at the same time he doesn't realise how stressful it can be living with a functioning alcoholic. The outburst came as a bit of a shock as we genuinely do get on well, and it's making me question the whole relationship.

OP posts:
Chewingle · 22/02/2021 17:12

Undoubtedly leave the bastard

I don’t think so!

Sounds tough but really - way too premature to be thinking of ending it from the information you have provided

Original poster
TheBookworm88 · 22/02/2021 17:13

Sorry x posted there. @Merryoldgoat yep agree with everything you said. I think I'm feeling particularly vulnerable at the min as I'm struggling to look after DD. If it wasn't for the health issues I'd be much more inclined to leave after what he said.
@MrsTulipTattsyrup yes I definitely should have put the foot down a long time ago about the drinking. I very naively thought he would stop once DD was born but it got worse. For a short while after birth the health problems went away and I managed fine but then they came back and at this point the chronicity of it all is wearing me down. If I was in normal health I would have left after that conversation but I can't whilst I'm unwell so I'm feeling trapped as well as a burden to him.
@Atalune about 2-3 bottles of vodka a week.

OP posts:
Nyala · 22/02/2021 17:21

I'm so sorry. That's such a difficult situation.

Honestly it does sound like he is depressed. Personally I would stay with him for a few months to work through things but ONLY on the condition that he took steps to solve the depression... Such as reducing the drinking, or visiting a doctor.

I know what it is like to be the person in a couple with a chronic health condition. I have Fibromyalgia and it's bloody hard. If my partner said/did what yours has done, I would be heartbroken but I also wouldn't want to go through the stress of a break up if his depression was the cause of all of his harsh feelings.

Make steps to become more supported by others. If you have family, talk to them. If you have friends, talk to them. Try to get some support from people who aren't him, so that if you do end up leaving, you aren't completely alone.

Take care xx

YouWinSomeYouLoseSome · 22/02/2021 17:25

He is undoubtedly drinking a lot. He is making out that its you that's the issue when in fact it's him. He needs to address his depression and alcoholism. Work on yourself and when you're better, think about yours & DDs future.

SecretDoor · 22/02/2021 17:39

Are they 1litre vodka bottles ie contain 40 units?

Sunhoop · 22/02/2021 17:48

That is awful Sad I know you say leaving is not an option right now but I can't imagine any other option if my husband said that to me. If he said it, he's thought it which means on some level he meant it. Not to mention the fact you're letting your DD grow up living with an alcoholic father. I had one of those - it's grim for children and especially grim when he turns their mother into a disrespected doormat as I suspect will be the case here if you stay.

I'm truly sorry you're going through this OP but unless he's open to change (from what you say he isn't) then this won't end well, not least for the little girl stuck in the middle of it.

I hope things improve for you soon Flowers

SeasonFinale · 22/02/2021 17:49

He sounds depressed, perhaps also worried about being a breadwinner, you have heakth conditions and it is a pandemic. Perhaps it is all a bit too much for him.

I would get him to seek medical help for his depression and hopefully as the lockdown restrictions lift things will ease. If not, the couples counselling would be worth a shot too.

GladAllOver · 22/02/2021 17:56

Don't minimise his drinking. He is an alcoholic. The drink is in control and will sooner or later take him down. Then he'll be needing your support rather than you needing his. If you are not able to look after him as well as your child you should start planning to leave.

Atalune · 22/02/2021 18:42

2/3 bottles of vodka is rather shocking and I like a drink.

My mum and dad were functioning alcoholics. My mum died of a heart attack at 64. When they opened her up to try and operate her arteries were wrecked and so was her liver. She died far too young of unavoidable causes. My dad died of cancer at 67.

I don’t want to scare you. But my parents lived an unhealthy unhappy existence. Don’t be them.

Original poster
TheBookworm88 · 22/02/2021 20:37

Thank you for the kind words @Nyala. I'm sorry you have a chronic pain condition too. It really does make life so difficult. I don't want to end the marriage but I feel so sad that he doesn't love me and is only with me out of obligation. Your advice is very sensible but there's no way he would seek help unfortunately.
@SecretDoor yeah they're litre bottles. Think its 37.5 units (still far, far too much)
@Sunhoop yes I do often think about the potential impact it could have on DD when she's older. I don't think he'll ever stop drinking to be honest unless something serious happened as a wake up call.
Very sorry about your parents @Atalune. That must have been really hard growing up.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 22/02/2021 21:03

He decided to hurt you to deflect away from his drinking. He specifically chose the things that would hurt you the most so that your self esteem would be so damaged you'd be grateful he lowers himself to be with you and forget all about his drinking and lack of support.

He's not with you out of obligation. He's with you because his life is better and it's easier to continue drinking with you around. He doesn't want you to know that, though - because if you did, he knows you'd put yourself and your baby first and get shot of him.

TheBookworm88 · 22/02/2021 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TheBookworm88 · 22/02/2021 21:53

Sorry posted too soon. No I do believe he meant what he said and it's complete destroyed my self esteem and making me doubt everything. The more I think about what he said, the more hurt I feel. I do agree that his life is undoubtedly easier in some respects with me around as if we do separate, he will have DD on all his days off and he won't be able to drink then.

OP posts:
therocinante · 22/02/2021 21:59

Oh OP, even aside from everything else, you deserve to be with someone who doesn't see you as a burden. I understand the MH issues make it more complicated, though - my own husband has some quite severe MH issues and while he has never acted negatively towards me as a result, I've 'put up' with periods of behaviour that were very hard. But the difference is that my H has always been so, so keen to make sure I knew he wasn't unhappy with me - just his illness. Your DH is being cruel.

And the drinking is a huge, huge problem. He's drinking over 100 units a week. He could do with speaking to addiction services and getting some liver function tests done ASAP.

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