Should I stay or should I go

[TheBookworm88]

NC as details are quite outing. Bit of background DH and I are together about 4years and have a 6month old DD (unplanned but very wanted). During the pregnancy I developed a chronic health issue which is ongoing and requires quite a few appointments etc (this is all relevant)
DH has a high powered, well paid career so I'm often alone with DD and there are days I struggle due to the health issues. DH does help but has issues with alcohol so I do sometimes feel unsupported. I've tried to bring up the drinking before but he gets extremely defensive. Since DD was born we have been arguing more but normally over fairly small issues. Last night I brought up an issue to DH in a very calm and measured manner (when he was drinking but not drunk) and he flipped and accused me of 'always attacking him'. He stormed out of the room and I was left completely bewildered at his reaction. I followed him out and he said that things weren't working out and that everything I did annoyed him. I asked for examples but he was quite vague. He then stated that my health issues were wearing him down, he doesn't love me and he was only with me out of pity/because we have DD together. I was completely shocked at this as on the whole we get on quite well. I agree my health issues can take their toll but I greatly downplay them to DH so not to burden him. After a discussion he admitted he might be depressed but wasn't sure how much of the problem was me or him. I went to bed very upset and shook up. This morning DH said he'd like to work through things (as would I) but when I asked him did he mean what he said about staying with me out of pity etc he replied that he wasn't sure. I know I sound like such a bloody doormat but I desperately love DH and want to stay with him as most of the time we get on really well. And truthfully I couldn't manage DD without him (at least until I get the health issue sorted). I'm feeling extremely hurt and vulnerable at the minute as well as a complete burden to him. I don't have anyone to help me with DD if we did separate. I asked him would he maybe try to get help for the way he's feeling but he refused. I don't know what to do. I know the advice will undoubtedly be to ltb, but until I recover it's not an option, plus I think much of it is his issue rather than a problem with the relationship. I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through similar .

Exactly what neverdropyourmooncup said. It's a tactic designed to keep you grateful for him and deflect from his bad behaviour. Out of curiosity, what issue did you bring up that caused this treatment?

I'm really sorry for you. I'm also concerned in case your husband is driving at any point? I would assume he must be pretty much constantly over the limit with the amount he's drinking?

I’d tell him I pity the mess he has become with his drink and I want to help him work through it. I’d tell him you are seeking help for your medical issues and it’s only right he does the same back. Oh and if you think he won’t drink just because he’s looking after a child , more fool you.

Op, I’m really sorry you are in such a difficult situation. You need to think carefully about what the impact on your daughter will be if she grows up with a functioning alcoholic father. And you deserve a partner who supports you and cherishes you regardless of your health issues. I’ve got numerous health conditions that have caused us to cancel holidays at short notice and my husband had never complained about it. Hugs xx

Different because my husband has never said anything so cruel, but I have health problems as a result of pregnancy with our two kids. I’ve felt like a burden but something that’s really helped me- and was suggested in therapy- was to think of my health problems as a kind of joint endeavour with DH. The pregnancies with OUR children caused them, so the health issues are BOTH of our issue. That reframing took away a lot of the gully I’ve felt about it.

The cruelty and drinking are whole other issues though and they can only be sorted by him changing. The first thing to do is to talk to him.

Good luck, none of this is easy.

Prioritise getting your health back before making any big decisions. But two bottles of vodka a week equal more than 10 units a day. That is a serious addiction and unless he kicks it you will have to get out. From personal experience I don't think that an alcoholic can ever be an adequate parent or partner. Sorry.

Thank you everyone for the kindness. It's much appreciated. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells at the minute as he owns the house and he said I would have to leave if we separate. I'm scared to have any type of conversation now in case it starts an argument. @Mummypigisalwaysright we were speaking about him spending money on silly things when drunk. For instance he bought a pile of tat off wish. None of it had any use. He bought it because "it was free"- except for the £25 postage and packaging. He would do things like this all the time, although would generally spend quite large amounts of money. @AllTheWayFromLondonDAMN that's a really good way of looking at it as a shared burden. It would definitely help ease my guilt. But DH would never see it like that. His mum has apparently said to him im a hypochondriac too which has really hurt as I always thought she was in my corner.

I do agree that his life is undoubtedly easier in some respects with me around as if we do separate, he will have DD on all his days off and he won't be able to drink then.
That's wrong I'm afraid. As an alcoholic he will drink anyway. Looking after a child won't stop him. Believe me, I speak from experience of an alcoholic. The alcoholic always takes priority.

You could well be right @GladAllOver. I don't know if it would stop him. I would like to think he would have the self restraint not to, but I honestly don't know.

@TheBookworm88

You could well be right *@GladAllOver*. I don't know if it would stop him. I would like to think he would have the self restraint not to, but I honestly don't know.

He doesn't even have the self restraint to refrain from verbally attacking you when he's done something stupid and costly.

He'd either not bother turning up because he was drunk or would drink throughout contact.

Alcoholics don't have self restraint, because the alcohol is always in control.
If they had self restraint they would stop drinking.
There is no way an alcoholic can be trusted with a small child.

Are you sure you couldnt manage by yourself? With a husband who works and then drinks that much you must be doing most of it anyway? Also if you are married I assume you would be entitled to half the house unless you have previously signed away rights to it or something