To think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling

[SpringHasSprung20]

A decade ago when I was still in my teens I had a baby removed from me at birth by social services and put up for adoption against my will.

It wasn't me who was the risk, I was being abused by the father and fought so hard to get away, have him prosecuted and keep my baby. I've posted about my story before.

Fast forward to now I'm approaching 30. I have a family and I'm living on the other side of the country with two subsequent children in my care full time with no SS involvement. I have a good life and haven't spoken to the abusive ex since I left him. I'm a different person. A strong person.

SS never allowed to meet the adoptive parents because I was opposing the adoption.

Do you know what contact I have with my son? One letter per year, due every April but it's usually always months late.

All of my letters are inspected by an adoption social work team before they'll be passed on to the adoptive parents/my son. Protocol. Most years they are sent back to me to edit out parts where I've told him I love him or miss him. I'm not allowed to say that, it's too emotional apparently.

I'm not daft, I know it's not in his best interests for me to be emotional in letters so I never am - but I do want him to know he's loved.

They are pedantic beyond comprehension. One year I had a letter telling me he was doing well in school, in my reply I said I was proud and he's such a clever boy. They sent my letter back and made me change "you are so clever" to "you sound clever"

I've had to plead with the adoption team for years to ask the family if I can have a photo, after 8 years of the adoption team saying "we don't let birth parents have photos" a kind contact coordinator finally agreed to ask the family for me.

The family took a while to decide but agreed I could see a photo. I can't keep it though.

I have to liase with an adoption team in my area and ask that the photo be sent to them so I can go into the office and look at it on a computer screen. Once. That won't happen this year because of covid so I have another year to wait before I can even catch a glimpse of my little boy. I have no idea what he looks like other than the sweet 6 month old face I have in a photo album, taken at our "goodbye contact"

I'm not allowed to send birthday cards or presents because it's a pain for the adoption agency to facilitate.

I have a box here that I save his cards in every year but that's not the point really is it? Imagine being a child and never getting a birthday card from your mum.

I'm not allowed to tell him about his siblings in letters. I talk to them about him all of the time but they must be kept secret.

All of the above is wrapped up as being in his best interests of course, but is it really?

I don't think he'll feel that way later on.

If you were adopted wouldn't you want to know that your 'birth' mother loved you? Would you be happy to only hear from her once a year?

I'm not a criminal and I've never hurt a child or been accused of it. I'm a good person and a good mother. I have the backing of SS here completely, after I approached them when I moved here. The senior manager raised her own concerns about how I was treat by that local authority and couldn't believe the way they work.

AIBU to think the way some birth mothers are treat is appalling? I'm not referring to abusive people or people who neglect their children, but people like me and others who were let down terribly.

I cannot move past the injustice of it all.

@DenisetheMenace

SpringHasSprung20

“Yes he's settled but he should never have ended up there in the first place“

Says it all.
So sorry, SpringHasSprung.

He shouldn't have.

I should have got the mother and baby placement that both I and the foster carer were requesting for me.

I should have been given an opportunity to parent my child with the support of the authorities.

OK, OP, I am taking you absolutely at your word as to what happened, and why, and who your are now. I have that luxury. So does everyone who responds on MN. However, Social Services does not have that luxury. Their rules and protocol are put in place to protect children from the worst that can be done, not the best that could be done. And they cannot afford to judge on a case-by-case basis. Occasionally, one will...with fatal results.

I feel for you so deeply. Your child does hear from you, though, and before very much longer, he can make the decision to seek you out. When that day comes, you can tell him everything in your heart. May it turn out so very, VERY well for BOTH of you!

I hear you, OP, I hear you.

Your story is so harrowing, I'm so so sorry this happened to you

SpringHasSprung20

DenisetheMenace
SpringHasSprung20

“Yes he's settled but he should never have ended up there in the first place“

Says it all.
So sorry, SpringHasSprung.
He shouldn't have.

I should have got the mother and baby placement that both I and the foster carer were requesting for me.

I should have been given an opportunity to parent my child with the support of the authorities“

Yes, you should. X

OP Of course the pain and trauma and suffering of having your child taken away and of being a victim of domestic abuse will never go away and no-one should have anything but sympathy for you over that.
No-one is saying your pain doesn't matter.

Also there is no reason to doubt that you are a good parent now. No-one had said otherwise

It isn't some kind of comparison between you and the adoptive parents. They had nothing at all to do with your son's removal of course but the facts are that they are his parents now.

Where I can't agree is with posts saying adoption should be able to be undone because that is not in the interests of children. I know you aren't saying that yourself but even wanting more contact is something a bit like that. It has to be all about him and what's right for him now however painful for you. The best thing for him would be if you had a good relationship with the adopters and they trusted you and the reason they don't might be because they know you want to tell him that his removal was unjust and that you want him back. Maybe that comes across in your letters. It can't be best for him to be unsettled by thinking he might be removed or returned or is in some way shared.

I think you would benefit more from counselling to deal with the pain of your loss than anything else.

My DCs birth mum attempted to overturn the order 4 years after they were removed from her care, the legal case went all the way to the court of appeal. I feel she was victimised in that process too, given false hope she might get the DC back and unable to really understand (like a couple of posters on this thread) that no matter if the wrong decision was made (and it wasn't, several different judges have checked!) it couldn't be undone, the DC would have been horribly damaged by even the suggestion that they might lose their 'forever family' and go to the care of their birth mum who is to them a stranger. In order to be in a good place if/when your son seeks you out, you have to process what happened so your feelings and needs don't overwhelm him and threaten you building a relationship in the future.

The thing is, I think there is an emerging recognition in some corners of the legal profession that there does need to be an option to reverse wrongful adoptions when the mistake is realised early enough, (and I mean in the very worst cases such as the Norfolk case referenced upthread or the Carter/Cox case I linked) because otherwise what incentive is there for the very worst SS departments to avoid negligence or malpractice?

That’s why the occasional test case is being tried, I believe.

Of course that sets up a horrendous conflict around the needs of the child but it’s analogous to a kidnapped baby being recovered when it is three. The expertise to reintegrate a child into their FOI and minimise the damage does exist in the world. Similar also happens with foster to adopt, it’s all very difficult and painful for everyone involved, but (I emphasise) in the very worst, most egregious cases, some professionals believe there is a case for it.

Meanwhile, of course stranger adopters will find it impossible to even discuss.

@nothingcomestonothing

Hi OP, I'm sorry for what happened when you were so young and vulnerable, you deserved better than what you've described. I am an adopter, my DC are around your son's age. We have letterbox twice a year with their birth mum, letters are written from me, not DC, though I always ask if they have anything they want to contribute (they have not chosen to as yet). We have only had one reply, though I know this isn't because she doesn't want to reply or doesn't care, she just finds it so difficult and painful to do so.

My children's birth mum is not a bad person, at all; she was very young, and very entangled with their birth dad and his family (who are not safe people). She wasn't always parented adequately herself, so didn't have the ability to fully realise how far from 'good enough' the situation was. She now has a younger DC with a different dad, who is with her and they have no SS involvement.

For your own sanity you have to find a way to process what happened. I'm not saying that lightly, I do grasp how wrenchingly painful it must be to know you could have kept your child with more support. But whatever the rights and wrongs, the end result cannot be undone now, and burning with the injustice is hurting you, not SS or anyone else. My DCs birth mum attempted to overturn the order 4 years after they were removed from her care, the legal case went all the way to the court of appeal. I feel she was victimised in that process too, given false hope she might get the DC back and unable to really understand (like a couple of posters on this thread) that no matter if the wrong decision was made (and it wasn't, several different judges have checked!) it couldn't be undone, the DC would have been horribly damaged by even the suggestion that they might lose their 'forever family' and go to the care of their birth mum who is to them a stranger. In order to be in a good place if/when your son seeks you out, you have to process what happened so your feelings and needs don't overwhelm him and threaten you building a relationship in the future.

One of my DC remembers their birth mum, and currently has no wish to have anything to do with her or even acknowledge who she is - refused to even look at the letter we got or photos of their half sibling she sent. Other DC has no memory of birth mum and sometimes expresses curiosity about her - nothing is hidden from DC about their story and I answer any question age appropriately. This makes me wonder whether what you've been told about what is allowed in letters etc might be the adopters trying to shield you, in a way? Eg I would never write that my older DC doesn't want to know anything about her, never wants to talk about her, gets cross if I even mention anything about adoption - that would just be hurtful to birth mum, so I'm quite circumspect in what I write. Similarly other DC has significant behavioural needs, and I am truthful but also careful when I write to birth mum, as I wouldn't want her worrying. I don't think she would be able to understand why having more contact with her wouldn't be right for the DC at the moment, so I'd rather she think it's because I'm mean or insecure, or that SS are vindictive, than her have to face that they don't see her as their mum, they don't miss her like she misses them, they don't care if she loves them and would be terrified at the thought she wants them back.

Anyway this has turned into an essay! I hope you get some support from this thread, I have written this hoping it helps and I'm sorry if it doesn't

What a wonderful and insightful, compassionate post @nothingcomestonothing. Especially this

“This makes me wonder whether what you've been told about what is allowed in letters etc might be the adopters trying to shield you, in a way? Eg I would never write that my older DC doesn't want to know anything about her, never wants to talk about her, gets cross if I even mention anything about adoption - that would just be hurtful to birth mum, so I'm quite circumspect in what I write. Similarly other DC has significant behavioural needs, and I am truthful but also careful when I write to birth mum, as I wouldn't want her worrying. I don't think she would be able to understand why having more contact with her wouldn't be right for the DC at the moment, so I'd rather she think it's because I'm mean or insecure, or that SS are vindictive, than her have to face that they don't see her as their mum, they don't miss her like she misses them, they don't care if she loves them and would be terrified at the thought she wants them back“

I had similar thoughts myself. There’s very good reason the letters are vetted. Of course they must be. Anyone who had an issue with that is not thinking about the child at all.

You sound like an absolutely wonderful mum, I’m really in awe

No one is saying it isn't terrible for you op. Its terribly sad. But it cant be remedied for you by upsetting your son. Just because you have been unjustly treated can't be allowed to impinge on your sons life now. You say it has been 10 years. Your loss matters - and you can fight to clear your name if that would help you. But you cant let your loss impact on the happiness of your son can you? Surely putting his needs first is the mark of being an adult and a parent. If he does contact you in the future, its still going to be about him isn't it? You finding out what he needs, not you trying to justify yourself to him. You may build a good relationship, but you cant even as an adult expect him to take on board the traumas you have suffered

This is an absolutely outrageous post

@Allthepopularkids why? Which part do you disagree with?

@DarcyJack

No one is saying it isn't terrible for you op. Its terribly sad. But it cant be remedied for you by upsetting your son. Just because you have been unjustly treated can't be allowed to impinge on your sons life now. You say it has been 10 years. Your loss matters - and you can fight to clear your name if that would help you. But you cant let your loss impact on the happiness of your son can you? Surely putting his needs first is the mark of being an adult and a parent. If he does contact you in the future, its still going to be about him isn't it? You finding out what he needs, not you trying to justify yourself to him. You may build a good relationship, but you cant even as an adult expect him to take on board the traumas you have suffered.

I think this is fair. OP, if your son does get in touch at eighteen (or thirty or forty-five), I think it’s in both of your best interests to restrain your (understandable) sense of anger and grievance.

I’m close to two adopted adults in their late 20s who have made contact in recent times with their birth parents, and one relationship has already broken down after two meetings, because my friend could not cope with her birth mother’s unprocessed pain and grief and her desire for her daughter to accept and vindicate her narrative of her adoption as a wrongful snatching. She felt desperately sorry for her birth mother, but essentially a stranger was loading her with her own trauma, and it felt as if she was being guilted into a kind of relationship she didn’t want. It’s an awful lot to ask.

@BluebelllsRosesDaffodills well if your read her posts you would see interesting reason for social services becoming involved was because she confided in her midwife that she was being financially abused by the father.

She wanted social services to give their blessing, the told her not to move.

MN = a place where people have the inability to read.

On a final note before I go to bed..

My maternal half brother was put up for adoption at the behest of my grandparents. He was conceived during a time when, sadly, white women would be judged harshly for having a mixed race child.

My mother was young at the time and felt she had no choice.

My brother came looking for her in his late 20's, with the support of my lovely SIL.

I knew nothing about his existence until then.

Whilst I understood my mother's reasoning to keep quiet, and I felt immense empathy for her, I was so sad that we'd been kept apart and had no idea each other existed.

We have a lovely relationship now.

We both expressed disappointment at not being in one another's lives sooner. Despite having different fathers and looking nothing alike, we have so many similarities and a lovely bond.

So it's not just me being deprived of my son, my younger children are being deprived of their sibling.

As we have established that i don't matter, would it be fair to say that my children don't matter either?

For anybody here knows, DS1 could be an only child (of his A.parents) and i do believe thats the case. He could long for a sibling. There are two here and he has no idea they exist.

Who's to say he's not going to be incredibly upset about the fact we've been kept at arms length? He might grow up, read his files, and resent his parents for keeping so much from him.

I wouldn't want that, but it might happen.

Nobody knows what the future holds or how he thinks or will feel in 2,4,6 years time.

I wish people would stop accusing me of trying to traumatise him.

@Allthepopularkids

I literally couldn’t image having one of my kids taken from me and then SS saying ‘ah well he’s settled now’..

It’s not morally right. They are not puppies or kittens.

Coming to terms with something terrible is not the same as pretending that it didn't happen, or that it wasn't terrible. People come to terms with the worst losses imaginable. They don't 'get over' them - they learn to live with the loss.

The OP cannot get her son back. He may come back of his own volition as an adult, he may not. But it is outside her control.
The only thing she can try to change is how she comes to terms with the loss, for her own sake.

@FredaFlintstone

No one is saying it isn't terrible for you op. Its terribly sad. But it cant be remedied for you by upsetting your son. Just because you have been unjustly treated can't be allowed to impinge on your sons life now. You say it has been 10 years. Your loss matters - and you can fight to clear your name if that would help you. But you cant let your loss impact on the happiness of your son can you? Surely putting his needs first is the mark of being an adult and a parent. If he does contact you in the future, its still going to be about him isn't it? You finding out what he needs, not you trying to justify yourself to him. You may build a good relationship, but you cant even as an adult expect him to take on board the traumas you have suffered

This is an absolutely outrageous post

@Allthepopularkids why? Which part do you disagree with?

Also curious. It reads as very sensible and focused on the wellbeing of OP’s son to me. This thread is really turning nasty and bringing out some viciousness on all sides. I wonder if it’s worth even keeping up, what it’s achieving?

Although it goes without saying, if he ever does come looking I would be incredibly restrained in how I speak about his adoption.

I certainly wouldn't have the same tone I have here.

I'm not trying to, and would never, offload all of my trauma onto him.

He will read his files, eventually, and see for himself.

I can vent here as it's a safe space. I wouldn't say any of this to him.

All I really want to say to him is that I love him, but I'm not allowed to do that, it's a huge reach to assume I would spout off about everything else when I can't so much as say that.

OP, I am the child of a 17 year old who was given no option but adoption. It was an injustice to her and it was an injustice to me. I had a fabulous home, lovely parents, just the best childhood - but it was still an injustice to me to separate me from my mother at one week old. I cannot understand anyone who thinks "oh but the adopted child had a happy childhood" negates that. It doesn't. You can have a happy childhood AND be delivered an injustice by the state who should have protected you.

I am now a lot older and have had a loving relationship with my birth mother since I was in my late 20s. My mum and dad were very supportive of this and met her themselves.

Unfortunately what happens in adoption is that the needs of the mother come second to the needs of the child once the adoption is finalised. I could not have coped with a complex relationship with my biological mother when I was a child. I coped brilliantly with it (not always easily though) once I was an adult.

I hope you will have the same with your child. I wish all of that for you. I hope you realise that just staying in touch, demonstrating that he matters to you enough to do so, showing that you have not dismissed him from your life is the absolute best thing you can do. birthday cards and photos don't matter to him. What will matter is knowing you never gave up on knowing him, that he mattered to you, that you loved him as best you could given the circumstances.

OP you sound in horrible pain - as we all would be in your shoes - but you also sound very strong.

Ignore the unkind responses.

Thanks for your posts in this thread @MissLucyEyelesbarrow. They’ve been refreshing.

I believe you

Have had involvement, for many years. Better local authority but yes, something is terribly wrong with children's services provision in general in this country.

Open adoption should be more of a thing here. In many cases much more could be done. Funding would help massively

In your case op I wholeheartedly hope that your child decides to be reunited with you as they come of age. Also that they are with the most loving wonderful adoptive family. I can only imagine the pain of such an awful misjudgement. I feared similar in our case. We got lucky. Social workers are not all created equal. I would like to think the same wouldn't happen now and that there is more support for mums like you.

Really should pop over to that featured thread for children's minister or whatever. Might even be the proverbial kick up the bum I need to vote this time around.

If you've got this far have some aswell!

It is wonderful that you’ve changed your life around but sadly a child (especially a baby) cannot wait in limbo in the hope their parents change. They need a loving secure permanent home at the earliest opportunity.
There is an exceedingly high threshold to pass for a child to be removed and placed for adoption and it does not happen instantaneously. First proceedings which take around 6 months then the child would be subject to a placement order for a year prior to adoption. Clearly your situation did not change during this time and your child would have been in great danger if in your care because of the abuse.

I feel extremely sorry for mother’s who are forced into this situation because they are victims of abuse. It is not their fault and it can take a lot of time, strength and therapy to manage to escape abusers. But the fact of the matter is a child is not safe with a mother who remains in a domestically abusive/violent relationship.

What would you suggest the alternative is? Keep the child with the mother and let them witness abuse/place them at risk of significant harm? Put a baby in long term foster care in the hope one day mother will be in a position to parent them(but with no guarantee)? Let the child be adopted but keep in contact with the birth parents throughout their childhoods? Which would consequently build emotional connection between the two and cause a lot of confusion. And in some cases birth parents could continue to pose a serious risk to the child. Or revoke the adoption? Which would undermine the meaning of adoption and take the child away from the only parents he has ever known.

I do think you are a victim in this and it must be really awful to come to terms with but I really don’t see there being an alternative. The child’s best interests are always put first. And at least you know he is well looked after in a happy home and way from harm from his abusive biological father.

And they cannot afford to judge on a case-by-case basis. Occasionally, one will...with fatal results.

An assessment of someone's parenting skills and individual circumstances should always be on a case by case basis.