Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What helped you truly get over an ex?

28 replies

ThePriceOfSugar · 21/02/2021 08:22

It's been just over two years since a devastating breakup with an ex, and I pined for him all that time despite functionally moving on, having therapy and succeeding in life.

In the last couple of months I have finally started to let it go completely. What helped me was recontextualising what happened and what kind of man he was, and seeing it through a feminist lens. E.g. I thought we were having exciting adventurous sexual encounters, but if I look at it differently, he got off on hurting me.

Not all exes linger so long of course. What helped you?

OP posts:
Mummadeze · 21/02/2021 08:26

Not staying in touch at all. Meeting someone else.

notanothertakeaway · 21/02/2021 08:28

Meeting someone else

Nowadays, with Facebook, LinkedIn etc, it's probably easier to keep looking at someone's photo, but it's not helpful. Best to move on

3AndStopping · 21/02/2021 08:29

Time

fieldofstreams · 21/02/2021 08:33

Placemarking as I'm currently in the aftermath of a hideous break up from a man I'm still in love with

LApprentiSorcier · 21/02/2021 08:47

Deliberately not thinking about him - mentally changing the subject whenever he crossed my mind and physically avoiding him. That, plus time.

The same technique works for unattainable crushes.

isthismylifenow · 21/02/2021 08:53

I also say time.

And cutting contact. Checking up on their social media and what they are up to helps not one bit. Staying friends doesn't either. In time that can possibly happen, but definitely not whilst trying to get over them.

crystalcherry87 · 21/02/2021 09:30

Meeting someone else who has better qualities than they did. Deleting and blocking them helped too as it made it impossible for me to know if they had tried to get in touch or not. And stopped me from knowing any updates about their life. I think prolonged contact makes things worse.

KevinTheBird · 21/02/2021 09:31

Meeting someone else

SilverRoe · 21/02/2021 09:35

Time, focusing on my own life. Having amazing sex with someone else along the way helped too (he was brilliant in bed and I feared i’d never click sexually to the same level with anyone else).

Also taking a good look at both of us - how he behaved, what my behaviour was like, thinking rationally about why it didn’t work rather than blaming him or me.

HitchFlix · 21/02/2021 09:36

Time. With enough time you'll get over anyone.

Hailtomyteeth · 21/02/2021 09:38

New man. Next!

nearlynermal · 21/02/2021 09:38

Definitely a lot of truth in the old saying 'the best way of getting over one man is getting under another one'. But other than that, zero contact and time. With the benefit of old age, I look back on men who had me literally curled up on the floor sobbing my heart out, and feel nothing more than mild surprise that I cared that much.

AnitaB888 · 21/02/2021 09:38

Reading 'Chumplady' !

JustTeach · 21/02/2021 09:42

I wouldn’t say meeting someone else for me personally.
It’s more about learning to be happy on my own, so when/ if I do meet someone else it’s so they add value to my life, not just to help me get over my ex spouse.
I’m putting time into making myself happy, secure and independent for now, so I don’t have to rely on anyone again whether that’s emotionally/ financially or in any other way. My next relationship I want to be very different, because I’ve grown as a person since my marriage broke down. It’s a hard road but I feel it’s important personally, people generally aren’t generally that reliable in my experience, so try and love yourself and make your life good with or without a partner.

MsVestibule · 21/02/2021 09:49

Normally time and meeting somebody else. I was always the one who ended relationships (I had this ridiculous notion that I would 'just know' when I met the right man 🙄) but it still took me ages to get over them. But they all led me to the place I am now, where I am very happy.

HugeAckmansWife · 21/02/2021 09:57

Time and him behaving spectacularly badly toward me during the divorce (left for ow leaving the kids with me and being an absolute arse about pretty much everything.) more than anything else his stone cold attitude toward me just killed any love or even positive memories about our time together. I suppose I should thank him for that really 😳

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 21/02/2021 10:00

Shit I had one breakup that was horrific, like having my heart ripped out m chest. It took a couple of years and what happened is a most beautiful realisation. That I could find happiness inside myself and trying to place my happiness inside someone else and then get it out of them was a fools errand.
I’m sorry it wasn’t anything practical. It just dawned on me.

Truthlikeness · 21/02/2021 10:06

It took a long time. I am content in myself and have a good life, but I haven't had another relationship (and it's been over 14 years now) and I probably won't. He cheated on me and I don't think I could put myself through that again.

glassshoes · 21/02/2021 10:10

Putting together a folder of photos of me looking happy, with all the good things in my life, before I ever met him. The anger in later dining that he had been unfaithful helped in terms of finality. Meeting my soon to be DH really did it though!

georgarina · 21/02/2021 10:10

Time.

First cutting ALL contact permanently. Then letting life happen, meeting other people, doing other stuff. Gradually it fades away.

It took me longer than 2 years to get over an ex. I thought about him every single day for years. But then gradually it started to fade. And I met someone else, and gradually I realised I wasn't thinking about my ex anymore.

It's really painful. But it heals.

annonymousse · 21/02/2021 10:16

Another one who says time. It happened without me actually realising. Then I had a lightbulb moment. My daughter got engaged and I wasn't nervous or excited about seeing him. We arrived at her party and I didn't notice he wasn't there yet, I didn't look for him and when he did arrive there was no skipped heartbeat or any reaction.

missbunnyrabbit · 21/02/2021 10:17

Definitely finding someone else, now I obsess about him instead of my ex. Plus, actually realising and accepting that my ex wasn't as nice as I thought, and, in the end, was so disrespectful and cruel to me that I feel sick at the thought of taking him back. I still love my ex, but I love who I thought he was, and not who he was at the end.

Also, only think of the negative things about your ex, if you have to ever think about him.

Time is also a good healer, but not always the cure - if you're as obsessive about the past as I am, you'll always remember and agonise for longer than others do!

Norwaydidnthappen · 21/02/2021 10:17

The old cliche of time being a good healer because it just is. Also blocking and maintaining zero contact helps.

plickityplock · 21/02/2021 10:24

Another one saying, no contact, where ever possible, and time.

GreenlandTheMovie · 21/02/2021 10:31

Sometimes it's the small things, and of course it's cumulative, not just one eventual thing.

But I saw him in an exercise class (pre pandemic) at the university sports centre that was full of 18-20 year old female students. And him. I was on the first floor and glanced down and there he was, in the gym below. All I could see was his balding head.

I'd never seen him as ageing before but I saw it then. And I also saw him for being predatory and trying to pick up younger women (this was confirmed by friends and they also weren't interested in him).

So it was really off putting to see him fur what he really was.