What helped you truly get over an ex?

[ThePriceOfSugar]

It's been just over two years since a devastating breakup with an ex, and I pined for him all that time despite functionally moving on, having therapy and succeeding in life.

In the last couple of months I have finally started to let it go completely. What helped me was recontextualising what happened and what kind of man he was, and seeing it through a feminist lens. E.g. I thought we were having exciting adventurous sexual encounters, but if I look at it differently, he got off on hurting me.

Not all exes linger so long of course. What helped you?

There are some very wise words on this thread.

From a slightly different angle I never pined for exH but he did cheat on me with a teenage girl and I was furious for so long. I felt what a waste our 12 year marriage was, and it made me so mad. The anger in me was palpable so that was what I had to get over. It wasn't easy - and I did some things I'm not proud of (slagging him off to the kids) - but time, and perspective, is a healer. And what really has healed me is taking off the rose tinted glasses and making mental notes of how much better my life is now. For example - no "it's your turn to clean" nonsense, no sharing my space, no having to turn out the lights because he'd finished reading but I hadn't, no compromises as everything is now my way, having holidays I want to go on etc.

But I do think it's been easier to get over as my ex was such an awful man. I don't miss him. But I was raging angry for so long.

Also if you have kids, do not do any of this day trips out as a family or spending Christmases together shite with your ex. Your kids don't need it, they WILL feel the tension and honestly why put yourself through that devastation for something your children won't even remember who is and isn't there. I know that people think they want to retain a sense of normality but you really are not doing anybody any favours, least of all yourself.

The only way to be co-parents as exes is to drop off at the door (no coming inside), quick exchange of messages about things you need to know, then a goodbye. And that's only if they're young enough to need bringing to the door. Otherwise they can be chucked out the car. None of this texting your ex to find out if they are wanting a ticket to the school play that the kids are in. They can find those things out for themselves, and if they're more than a Disney dad they will care enough to find out. Do not behave like you would have had you still been married. No one will thank you for it.