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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be stuck not knowing how to help hoarder MIL

49 replies

Ditheringdooley · 20/02/2021 23:15

Saw another post tonight about hoarding which prompted me to post.

MIL is a hoarder. Piles to the ceiling and needing to shuffle through tiny gaps type hoarder. No heating because no one can get in to fix and all appliances slowly dying and can’t be replaced. No idea how she survives.

We are her support bubble. Just at a loss for how we help her clear so that the flat can be sorted out and made liveable.

I do not get on with her. I have 2 small children who can be looked after by my childcare bubble but not easy as one still bf. But doable to get childcare to drive the hour to her and help her. Husband can’t drive so it needs to be both of us.

She is not really doing it on her own - she is packing up boxes of things to move to our place, not getting rid of anything. Sorting a couple of items in a few weeks - and I’m sure acquiring more even with only the supermarkets open.

Wtf do we do - she can’t stay like that but she won’t clear it and won’t move somewhere else. She is all kinds of crazy and will not accept help from anyone (so suggesting GP, cbt etc is pointless - she thinks everyone else is mad and she is the sane one).

My husband is not that helpful as he gets overwhelmed or will just sit and talk about items and memories. We last tried about 5 years ago and I was helping her clear but threw my back out.

YABU- yes, there are lots of things that you can try

YANBU - you cannot help this person in these circumstances or as they keep evading efforts to help/ I have had a bad experience of helping someone similar.

OP posts:
Howshouldibehave · 20/02/2021 23:19

she is packing up boxes of things to move to our place

Why? That’s no solution!

I don’t think you’ll be able to help to in dribs and drabs like that-it sounds like too big a job. Shifting all her shit to your house won’t help either.

CherryRoulade · 20/02/2021 23:20

Does she want it sorted?

Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 20/02/2021 23:22

We have been taking her boxes in an effort to clear enough space to replace broken fridge/ maybe get someone in for the heating. And a foolish hope that in packing stuff she would realise it was all rubbish.

And just because it feels like doing something. It is only dribs and drabs but I’ve read/ have the impression that one big load would be too traumatising for the individual.

She is quite old so it’s unlikely she would be able to get it boarded back up immediately...but they can switch to other things maybe if traumatised? I don’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 20/02/2021 23:23

@CherryRoulade I think so. I presume she doesn’t want to spend another winter with no heating.

She normally spends as little time as possible in the place but with COVID she has had to stay in there. I think it is a source of stress for her.

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HoarderAMA · 20/02/2021 23:31

Does she admit she is a hoarder? If she doesnt identify as a hoarder and it's a problem, you can really help her. Sounds like she is churning.

You can get her to move things to fix appliances but not to fix her. It's hard enough when you are aware and want to change and accept help. Without that, its impossible.

It's a mental health condition
She isnt crazy. She is mentally unwell

HoarderAMA · 20/02/2021 23:32

I mean you CAN'T help her in my first paragraph

Chloemol · 20/02/2021 23:33

There are professionals out there who help hoarders clear the property. No idea how expensive, but maybe contacting a couple of them to see what they can do?

Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 20/02/2021 23:35

I’m so sorry for my loose language - I fully recognise that the hoarding is a mental condition - she is otherwise a difficult and unpleasant person and I’m using crazy in that sense, which I know isn’t ok to use in relation to mental health.

I’ve just been at the wrong end of a lot of her poor behaviour - of the awful person variety, not attributable to a mental health condition.

I don’t think she recognises it. She believes herself to be above anyone and not needing of help. She will not accept help from any outsider in this.

I don’t want her to die in there.

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Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 20/02/2021 23:36

@HoarderAMA

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Hydrate · 20/02/2021 23:37

Could somebody rent a storage unit and move the stuff there instead of your house?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/02/2021 23:47

You are insane to move her hoard to your home, first of all, and secondly, there is nothing you can do to help her. It's very sad but I would be taking a huge step back. Your husband and her husband can try to deal with this, but I seriously doubt they can affect change either. Your MIL needs professional psychological help.

CherryRoulade · 20/02/2021 23:56

Yes, unless she’s acknowledging the problem and willing to engage with mental health team, there really isn’t much you can do.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2021 00:00

No to moving things to storage or your house. Absolutely not a good idea. What that's saying is that you will house all her things then she can acquire more. All you get is three places stuffed with things.

Also My husband is not that helpful as he gets overwhelmed or will just sit and talk about items and memories. We last tried about 5 years ago and I was helping her clear but threw my back out.

Hoarding is highly heritable. Your DH may well have acquisitive traits and you don't want to entertain it.

There are professionals who work with people on excess possessions. Kindly, with boundaries and no emotional ties. Find one of them. You can't physically (and relationship wise), you DH can't emotionally. If she won't accept help, eventually it might be an Adult Social Services report. If there's no power and she's ailing.

SummerWhisper · 21/02/2021 00:12

I think you are not the appropriate person to be involved in this, given the strains in your relationship, her age and the volume of her possessions. Hoarding is rooted in trauma and giving up her possessions will be traumatic. As a non-hoarder, your language (e.g. rubbish, instead of possessions) could be triggering for her.

She needs a hoarding specialist who will know how to speak to her, how to build a relationship with her through her possessions. It may be that your DH could speak with her doctor and locate one, or you could do this privately. The specialist will hopefully advise you on how to introduce them to MIL. She is a fire hazard right now, with old appliances and volumes of possessions. The fire service also may also have contact details. Your DH sounds like he has tendencies if he is ascribing memories to the possessions. Read Stuff by Randy Frost. I think you can download a PDF.

All the best - this is so difficult for all involved Flowers

UmbilicusProfundus · 21/02/2021 00:24

Even hoarding specialists would struggle with this one. If she doesn’t want to change, you can’t make her. And that would also be the case for MH teams. If her behaviour is a more explicit danger to herself or others than it might be slightly different, but even then I wouldn’t be that optimistic in the longer run. A profession de clutter might wipe the slate clean but it won’t take longer to get back to how it was.

Honestly I would be boundaried. Step away. There is nothing you can do. Don’t let her hoard take over your home too. She doesn’t care, the mental anguish is all yours, so protect yourself. And you will all be happier.

MrsClatterbuck · 21/02/2021 00:37

Perhaps one road you can go down is health and safety. Is her house a fire risk and would it affect neighbours. Perhaps social services need to be involved and hand it over to them as I'm sure they will have dealt with this before.

Anordinarymum · 21/02/2021 00:43

Why can't your husband talk to her and tell her he is worried about her health and well being. Could she come and stay at yours while you clear out the place, clean it up and make it nice.
Perhaps clear one room at a time with the option of having her junk back so she feels safe ?

Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 21/02/2021 00:53

@MrsTerryPratchett - he definitely has the gene. I am not great with stuff either (growing up poor, with very resourceful parents - keeping stuff that might be useful was a sensible thing to do economically) but not to the same degree as him.

It is so distressing. I don’t like the woman but she is my husband’s only family and the grandmother to my kids (who have a good relationship with her). They can’t ever go to their gran’s for a cup of tea. I am increasingly getting worried about her personal care.

@mrsclutterbuck Place is almost certainly a fire risk/ health risk (had mice at one point) but I’m wary of contacting EH/ social services as this will unleash WW3. In terms of EH, I understand the position to be that they can force work/ changes to be made at the owner’s cost. I think that would be highly traumatic and also end up landing on DH in terms of dealing with that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 21/02/2021 00:54

Whoops that should have been @MrsClatterbuck

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MrsTerryPratchett · 21/02/2021 00:55

he definitely has the gene

Then not one scrap of this can enter your house. Sad

Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 21/02/2021 00:56

@UmbilicusProfundus thanks for that. I feel guilty. I have not been able to understand why DH hasn’t tried to do more over the years but I think maybe he has come to that conclusion intuitively and it’s actually a self protective position rather than something selfish. Also he grew up with this happening in parts of their family home.

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Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 21/02/2021 00:58

@MrsTerryPratchett somehow he can spot that other people’s possessions are not of value!

What do I do with the half dozen boxes I have already taken in...?!

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mathanxiety · 21/02/2021 00:59

There is nothing you can do for her. Clearing the hoard won't cure her problem. It will be built up again.

Please don't agree to her moving in with you, if that's the plan.

Hoarders are often responding to a lot of unprocessed loss in their lives. She needs specialist MH intervention. Social services would be a start but there is little they can do if the hoard is inside her own house. See the old BBC series 'Life of Grime' for the issues you are facing.

When did your MIL last go to her GP for a checkup?

Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 21/02/2021 01:00

@Anordinarymum we sort of had this as a plan but she won’t let us touch it without her there and I understand that you can’t clear somewhere for someone. As much as I want to from a physical well being perspective.

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Original poster
Ditheringdooley · 21/02/2021 01:03

@mathanxiety yes it’s her own home

I think she is at the GP/ hospital quite a lot as has had health issues in the last couple of years. I think she hides it very well, and manages to keep clean as far as I can tell. She’d never let DH go with her or anything.

Will have a Google for specialists.

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