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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My parents will only answer the phone if they are together and it’s on loud speaker.

64 replies

uKu89 · 20/02/2021 23:05

Just that really...
For the last couple of months my parents will only answer the phone to me if they are both there. I have a great relationship with my parents but i feel that I am no longer able to have the mother/daughter relationship we had before where I could ring her up and ask her about girlie things. It’s making me sad but it also worries me that she will think that I don’t bother with her anymore which isn’t the case, I just don’t have the opportunity to only speak with her now.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset or do I just need to get over it and accept that their United front is what’s important to them and just let them get on with it?

OP posts:
TinkleyZebra · 20/02/2021 23:06

Why have they started to do this?

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 20/02/2021 23:07

Have you asked if you can just chat to your mum in private? Your DF will likely understand the concept of a mother daughter chat.

TryingNotToPanicOverCovid · 20/02/2021 23:08

My dad and new wife do this. It's irritating.i don't ring them.

Sanchez79 · 20/02/2021 23:08

This sounds deeply unhealthy to me, is your father domineering at all? Might lockdown have provided an opportunity for him to ramp up any, previously mild, controlling tendencies?

I'd be curious to know what happens if you were to assert that you want yo speak yo your Mum, 1:1, privately.

Keyperfect · 20/02/2021 23:09

Following as I have exactly the same scenario, with the added problem that its via Whatsapp and on loudspeaker the sound keeps dipping or cutting out, so it's very unsatisfactory. Would love a normal chat on (landline) phone.

littlepattilou · 20/02/2021 23:10

Very odd. I love the mother-daughter chats with my DD. She likes to chat to her dad too, but loves chatting to just me for half hour before, and we have lunchtime coffees together, (out of lockdowns!) I don't think she'd be very chuffed if I NEVER spoke to her without her dad present.

Cactusowl · 20/02/2021 23:10

DPs parents do this, they generally hang up when trying to put the phone on speakerphone. Then when they do manage to connect it’s hard to hear. It irrationally infuriates DH!

Cherrysoup · 20/02/2021 23:13

Are they multi-tasking? My mum always phones when I’m in the bath-I then need to get out, put down the phone and put it on loudspeaker which she objects to! If I phone her from the car-bluetooth-she moans at the call quality, but sometimes it’s the only time I have free!

Basickitsch · 20/02/2021 23:13

Just start talking about periods, that’s enough to get most dads off the phone ;)

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/02/2021 23:14

It does sound very odd!

Pumpkintopf · 20/02/2021 23:14

Have you asked why?

Original poster
uKu89 · 20/02/2021 23:17

My parents have a wonderful relationship but are very traditional. They have always prioritised me and my siblings in life. We are all treated equally. I can chat for hours about anything practical with my dad, he’s very wise and knowledgeable about things. Whilst I wouldn’t say my mum and I are particularly close, I’ve always been able to call her if somethings worrying me or if I need any advice about keeping my home (she was a stay at home mum and what she doesn’t know about how to get stains out of things isnt worth knowing). My siblings are having the same problem so it isn’t personal to me, I just wasn’t sure if I was being unreasonable being upset by this or if I should be proud that my parents are so United. 🤦‍♀️ They’ve always been big on not keeping secrets so I don’t share anything if I don’t want them both to know anyway.

OP posts:
Dullardmullard · 20/02/2021 23:17

Ask

purplebatbear · 20/02/2021 23:18

Ok. Mine do this too.
Is your father quite domineering/controlling? That could be a reason.

The reason fir mine doing this is partially down to my father being controlling but mainly as my Mum has Alzheimer's and cannot now have a video conversation without someone near her.

I don't want to worry you as it's hopefully not the same reason but just so you have my experience:

My first signs of my mum becoming ill was that she stopped phoning me as often. We used to talk all the time (live a long way from each other) but she just... forgot to phone.

Then she forgot key details during conversations (starting with recent key details, such as my youngest child now being at school).

Then it became further back in time with things like names of my DC.

penguin23 · 20/02/2021 23:21

My parents have also started doing this since the first lockdown, and it’s so hard to have a conversation with my mum as my dad is constantly butting in and talking over us, he dominates the conversation. He’s always been like that in person and phone calls were a good way of chatting to my mum on her own but I can’t do that anymore. I have wondered about a control issue with my dad, unfortunately. I have no advice really but just wanted to say YANBU to be upset, I find it upsetting myself. I feel like I’ve lost that closeness with my mum.

cosymama2020 · 20/02/2021 23:23

I don’t think it’s odd. We live in an odd world right now, both of your parents probably want to hear from you and feel more of a sense of normality by both speaking to you on loudspeaker instead of being allowed to sit in the living room chatting with you with a cup of tea. I understand some people look out for others but I personally don’t think that given the current lockdown situation that parents speaking to their children on loudspeaker together means the father is domineering or that there’s relationship issues. Perhaps your dad has spoken to your mum and said he’s feeling low during this recent lockdown and it’s her way of trying to lift his spirits but they don’t want to ‘burden’ you with that info?

Yes it’s a little bit sad that you’re missing out on mother/daughter chats but hopefully in a year or so those chats will become more common and you’ll be ringing your dad for a separate catch up.

Coffeeisnecessary · 20/02/2021 23:27

My parents have started doing this too! It's good in that I don't have to repeat bits of news to both of them but it does change the dynamics a bit. I think they both just like having someone to talk to together or something?!

MisgenderedSwan · 20/02/2021 23:29

Maybe your mum is starting to struggle with following conversations or her memory and having your df on the call helps her cope? I hope all is ok. Maybe suggest a video call so you can get feedback from her expressions and she yours so you can better assess what's going on?

purplebatbear · 20/02/2021 23:32

@MisgenderedSwan

Maybe your mum is starting to struggle with following conversations or her memory and having your df on the call helps her cope? I hope all is ok. Maybe suggest a video call so you can get feedback from her expressions and she yours so you can better assess what's going on?
This is a really good suggestion. Other thing to notice is if she actually follows your conversation. My mum now makes accepting/mhmmmm type noises a lot but doesn't have a clue what we're talking about if I ask her anything.
Velvian · 20/02/2021 23:33

DH's parents do exactly this, it can be challenging Grin. My parents, I will either have a video call with both of them, or I called my mum earlier and my dad was chipping in. I don't think I was on speaker today.

I think it may be down to memory issues, my DDad & DMIL, also hearing problems on my parents' side. They spend all of their time only with each other at the moment and seem to do everything together.

typicalvalues · 20/02/2021 23:33

Can you ask to speak to one or other of them alone when you need to?
In any case, it's guaranteed that they will share info between themselves.

Moreofawonderingment · 20/02/2021 23:41

Oh gosh mine have started doing this too.
I think it’s mainly just because my dad’s bored now he’s retired plus lockdown and he’s hanging out with my mum more than he used to!
It’s a bit irritating though because he always has to say something ‘funny’ and if makes it hard to talk about anything a bit more sensitive.
I’m sure if I asked her I could talk to my mum alone though but I don’t want to make a big deal of it tbh

Scarby9 · 20/02/2021 23:44

I taught my dad about speakerphone just before the first lockdown, along with Skype, as a way for him to help my mum who, as PP have said, has dementia and struggles to follow a conversation now.

I mourn the loss of the separate relationships I had with my parents, alongside the joint one, but it is what it is. I worry that it will be impossible to prise them apart once lockdowns are ended, as they have been together alone 24/7 for a year. I don't think my mum could function without my dad now, or that my mum would let him out of her sight anyway.

The speaketphobe is just part of the overall picture.

Original poster
uKu89 · 20/02/2021 23:48

@Moreofawonderingment I think my parents may well be in the same position of yours. My dad is retired too and quite probably bored. Like you I don’t want to be asking them questions and making a big deal out of it.

I feel really reassured that it’s not just my parents doing this. It must just be a lockdown thing!

Really grateful for everyone’s feedback :)

OP posts:
purplebatbear · 20/02/2021 23:52

I hope you find a way to get the quality conversation with your mum (and your dad) as you'd like, @uKu89

Hopefully it's just a lockdown thing.

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