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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My parents will only answer the phone if they are together and it’s on loud speaker.

64 replies

uKu89 · 20/02/2021 23:05

Just that really...
For the last couple of months my parents will only answer the phone to me if they are both there. I have a great relationship with my parents but i feel that I am no longer able to have the mother/daughter relationship we had before where I could ring her up and ask her about girlie things. It’s making me sad but it also worries me that she will think that I don’t bother with her anymore which isn’t the case, I just don’t have the opportunity to only speak with her now.

Am I being unreasonable to be upset or do I just need to get over it and accept that their United front is what’s important to them and just let them get on with it?

OP posts:

Regretsy · 20/02/2021 23:53

Ugh my mum and wife do this and I find it quite rude actually. I told my mum this and her wife got offended but she’s over it now. By their own admission they are very co dependent so I think it’s just that.

Regretsy · 20/02/2021 23:54

As in, my mum and her wife not my wife! Must not type late at night...

Marinaloves · 20/02/2021 23:57

Why don’t you just say mum it would be nice to chat together alone
What’s with families they can’t do that

Frankinmachine · 20/02/2021 23:57

My parents have also started behaving like this during lockdown. They literally spend every minute of every day together, won’t even go to shops or for a walk on their own. When I mentioned it to my DM she was a bit dismissive of me and said that they are not separate people but are one unit as they have been married for so long. I find it a bit weird.

31RooCambon · 20/02/2021 23:58

Doesn't sound like the same situation but my parents are quite oppressively A UNIT and I have felt mobbed by the two against one ness at times. (I'm single). I'd love a husband to tell them to fuck off sometimes.

I think in your situation your mum doesn't want to exclude your bored dad, even though she must know it's a bit of a ''gear change'' for the two of you to have him on board ever single time. But his needs come first, or what he THINKS and FEELS affects her more. Cos he will tell her if he felt left out/bored/excluded.

LunaHeather · 21/02/2021 00:00

@Frankinmachine

I've had a few friends whose parents became joined at the hip in old age

Could it be that?

My parents were joined at the hip all the bloody time, but we did have separate phone chats, thank goodness.

Neighneigh · 21/02/2021 00:00

Oh god my dad does this so I "don't have to repeat everything for your mother"...it really bugs me and I can never hear them both properly on the phone now. No health issues involved at our end but definitely a domineering father who is very much "your mother's feeling sorry for herself" when actually a bit of kindness and maybe talking to be her daughter would be nice. I've said to him that I prefer talking to them separately, as we talk about different things. But overall, bugger to it!

digginthedancingqueen · 21/02/2021 00:03

My parents also do this. It must be an age thing. It is annoying but I let it go.,

31RooCambon · 21/02/2021 00:04

I dont know if im being too harsh on my parents because im single and emotionally independent, even though i took money from them 😩😪 but... it's like needing a crutch. To ho to church. To go to Aldi. To go for a walk.

I dont get it. How do they not want to kill each other. But, a lot of their conversation is me and my failings.

MoiraNotRuby · 21/02/2021 00:05

My parents do this since lockdown started. Sometimes I ring when I know the other one is busy just cos its easier speaking one to one.

BackforGood · 21/02/2021 00:12

I was going to say this, too

I don’t think it’s odd. We live in an odd world right now, both of your parents probably want to hear from you and feel more of a sense of normality by both speaking to you on loudspeaker instead of being allowed to sit in the living room chatting with you with a cup of tea. I understand some people look out for others but I personally don’t think that given the current lockdown situation that parents speaking to their children on loudspeaker together means the father is domineering or that there’s relationship issues. Perhaps your dad has spoken to your mum and said he’s feeling low during this recent lockdown and it’s her way of trying to lift his spirits but they don’t want to ‘burden’ you with that info?

When you aren't going out, and chatting with people and having your usual social interaction, then you begin to yearn for a bit of a chat. Pre-lockdown, either parent was probably quite comfortable hearing any news 2nd hand from the other, but now, an actual chat with someone becomes the highlight of some people's day.

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/02/2021 00:19

Honestly this is just an old person thing, it’s really common and doesn’t mean either one is controlling (unless they always have been).

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 21/02/2021 00:20

My mother has started doing this, she has always been controlling but has got a whole lot worse since she was diagnosed with dementia.
I now have no idea how my father is coping looking after her.

suggestionsplease1 · 21/02/2021 00:21

My parents do this but I generally prefer it as I don't have to repeat the same stuff to both and my mum doesn't always seem to recall very well on phone conversations so my dad will help in that respect.

I think they're so used to doing zoom calls together with others since lockdown that it's just an extension of that now.

But I do also like getting my mum a few minutes on her own because she can be quieter in the joint conversations and I'm a wee bit worried about her cognition so it's an opportunity to really get a feel for how she is. But I have no concerns that my Dad is domineering or anything.

Wotsitsarecheesy · 21/02/2021 00:24

My parents do this too, and i hadn't realised it was so common. It drives me nuts. Even if the other isn't actually in the house (eg gardening outside) they they have to be brought in to join in the conversation. I think it's mainly because there is nothing else going on really, and they don't want the other one to miss out on a chat. But it isn't the same, and there are some things I just don't want to talk about when i'm on speakerphone!

SugarfreeBlitz · 21/02/2021 00:31

So sorry! This is stressful. I suspect your Dad is like mine (controlling and domineering) My parents used to do this and I'd forgotten about it until I read your post as they've been divorced for many years since then. They presented a United Front right until the divorce, which is strange because looking back they can't have been united AT ALL

Nanny0gg · 21/02/2021 00:35

@digginthedancingqueen

My parents also do this. It must be an age thing. It is annoying but I let it go.,

No, it's not

grassisjeweled · 21/02/2021 00:41

Brother does this, SIL is always there. Awful

Not sure what she thinks I'm going to say? Talk about her probably

mathanxiety · 21/02/2021 00:47

Is one of them taking on a carer role and doesn't want the other out of sight?

Is one losing his or her hearing? Or are both getting a little deaf and they need to confer afterwards about what was said?

Control?

If there are no physical/ medical reasons then maybe there is some boundary blurring going on.

It's interesting you say 'there are no secrets' in your family. Most people keep little things from their significant others, or parents keep some things from their children, even adult children.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 21/02/2021 00:50

Your dad sounds controlling, very much like my dad and my mum still cannot see she is in a abusive controlling marriage.

Text your mum instead, or email and arrange a time to ring when he is not there.

DianaT1969 · 21/02/2021 01:01

Do you visit them OP? I assume they've had the vaccine?

YouKnowItsTrue · 21/02/2021 01:04

My parents have started doing this since lockdown too!

I keep forgetting and spend ages chatting to DM, then chat to DDad and have a similar conversation, only to hear DM piping up in the background.

As it’s such a recent thing it takes my by surprise every time and I replay the conversation in my mind to see if I’ve said anything I don’t want to share with them both.

Cameleongirl · 21/02/2021 01:05

My Dad and SM do this a lot, not on every call, but most of them. Hearing problems are one reason, neither of them have the sharpest hearing nowadays so they often help each other out if one misses something. I do think lockdown has encouraged codependency too, they do everything together now, whereas pre-pandemic they'd run errands, see people on their own as well.

GabsAlot · 21/02/2021 01:06

my df does this i dont want to tel his wife things sometimes i jut want a conversaiotn with my dad

he says they dont have secrets-so i dont say anything that personal anymore-his loss

it started before lockdown though so not exactly the same

Original poster

uKu89 · 21/02/2021 01:10

@DianaT1969 we’ve seen them outside several times face to face but not spent any time indoors with them since the autumn. They are following the rules to a t. I’m vaccinated as is my dad but mum and my husband are yet to be done.

OP posts:

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