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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Perspective about DH’s family

50 replies

keepingwarmatnight · 20/02/2021 20:49

I’m going to have a baby in about 3 weeks and we have one already who’s 7 because I am a mid 40’s mum to be.

DSIL and family isn’t far away with a toddler (who is in nursery) and a new baby. DSIL needs a small and important but not emergency operation meaning a couple of nights in hospital before long (but likely after some social easing).

DH’s have always been pretty pushy, only usually getting in contact when they want something. So, on the phone last night MIL announced that whilst I am still pregnant it was understood that I wouldn’t be able to take DSIL’s two kids whilst she was away, but that as they are ‘family’ we ‘would’ be able help out and take the kids whilst she was having the op if the baby was here.

AIBU that I find this presumption rather high handed? Especially as SIL has a DH, it’s only two nights and my DH coped on his own for periods of up to 10 days per month for months when I needed to be in hospital whilst DS was a toddler.

I tried to ask DH in a breezy manner what his thoughts on us taking the kids were and his thought was that whilst we wouldn’t offer, DSIS would only come to us if absolutely necessary so of course, we would then oblige - seemingly totally forgetting the fact that the door has already been opened considering his mums comments (and the constant chatter from his side about how lucky we will be because we will have paid help - which they won’t - and how tired they are with two as they just get no break).

Or does family duty call and I am just being an inhospitable cow....??

OP posts:
LawnFever · 20/02/2021 20:55

Just say no, that’s ridiculous, either her husband looks after his own kids like a normal parent would or can’t your MIL help if he’s going to struggle? I don’t see why this should fall on you when you’ll have a newborn and 7 year old

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 20/02/2021 20:57

Play along but come up with a minor cough when they call on you.

WTF is wrong with the DH stepping up??

JesusWeptLady · 20/02/2021 20:57

Oh dear your MIL thinks she is in charge of you. I think it's your husband's job to very quickly put her right.

My MIL was similar when I had a 13 month old and was 8 months pregnant (yes you read that correctly) and he had a right old go at her. Never again. Fixed. But it has to be now and it has to be him.

She can help her own daughter. Mother's and daughters and all that.

Unicant · 20/02/2021 20:59

just say no. You will have a newborn baby and you have no idea how the birth will be and what state you will be in. This is not your duty. Your duty is to take care of yourself and your baby at this time. Put your foot down and say it will not be happening. You are completely within your rights to do this. I'm so sorry they are so pushy and inconsiderate.

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 20/02/2021 20:59

Why can't the husband or MiL help out?

MyLittleOrangutan · 20/02/2021 21:17

Maybe make it clear to your husband that YOU wont be looking after them and you wont be taking over more of the care of yours and his children so he can look after them. So if he thinks he can do 50% of the care of your kids aswell as 100% of the care of his sisters kids then that's his choice. But he isn't signing you up to do more work and neither is his mother.

bombastical · 20/02/2021 21:20

Sadly you get Covid symptoms the moment she calls. Start coughing down the phone. What’s that? You need childcare MIL? Sorry, I’ve got conjunctivitis. Do it every time. Shame.

bombastical · 20/02/2021 21:20

She sounds like a control freak

CoffeeBeansGalore · 20/02/2021 21:29

17MyLittleOrangutan

Maybe make it clear to your husband that YOU wont be looking after them and you wont be taking over more of the care of yours and his children so he can look after them. So if he thinks he can do 50% of the care of your kids aswell as 100% of the care of his sisters kids then that's his choice. But he isn't signing you up to do more work and neither is his mother.

^^^
THIS!

Ok DH you'd better sort out your annual leave if YOU are taking care of your sister's kids.
MiL phones - I'll pass you on to Dh because it will be him who's dealing with them - Darling it's for you!

user1493413286 · 20/02/2021 21:40

Someone with a new baby is bottom of the list of people you’d expect to help with childcare. Im struggling to see why her DH can’t just do it but then there’s your mil if it’s really a problem for him so why on earth would you be expected to.

VinylDetective · 20/02/2021 21:43

Why isn’t Mil stepping up? Isn’t that what grannies are for?

Veterinari · 20/02/2021 21:44

Tell them you aren't getting involved but your DH is available, and ask why the children's father is less capable than their uncle of parenting them?

BrilliantBetty · 20/02/2021 21:50

Their own father can surely look after them. Perhaps with some assistance form PIL when he drives to collect her, if necessary.

Cherrysoup · 20/02/2021 21:53

Get your dh to phone her and tell her no. Wtf?! You’ll have a new baby, she has her parents and her dh to help. How mad!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/02/2021 21:57

Sorry but that won’t be possible-I will have more than enough with one baby and child without another new born and toddler.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 20/02/2021 22:00

but that as they are ‘family’ we ‘would’ be able help out and take the kids whilst she was having the op if the baby was here.

Well that's a very incorrect assumption from her isn't it.

I'd get DH to have a word with her saying something like "oh mum, was having a chat with Keeping and she said that you'd mentioned us having SILs kids. She must have the wrong end of the stick though as obviously nobody would expect people with a new born to baby sit! Don't worry though, I set her straight and told her not to worry."

Sexnotgender · 20/02/2021 22:02

That’s weird, why are you getting lumbered with this?

Lollypop4 · 20/02/2021 22:07

Just say No full stop.

How cheeky of MIL.

Not your problem at all

Freddiefox · 20/02/2021 22:45

So when you or your dh said ‘what is dsil dh doing what was the answer?

Sugarandteaandmum · 20/02/2021 23:02

How old will SIL baby be when she goes into hospital? it seems super odd that anyone would expect you to take a baby for overnight stays (even leaving out the idea that you have your own one!!)

Sugarandteaandmum · 20/02/2021 23:04

the baby would surely be attached to SIL and if not to her then her DH. You can't just pass really young babies around.

Original poster
keepingwarmatnight · 20/02/2021 23:07

I said that I was sure DSIL’s DH would be fine.

I also reminded her that my DH coped for more than a week at a time without help when I was ill. She seemed so surprised at that, I don’t think she even realised how much pressure he was under even tho it could have turned out really differently.

DSIL tho? Well she is the favourite ....

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 20/02/2021 23:42

@keepingwarmatnight

I said that I was sure DSIL’s DH would be fine.

I also reminded her that my DH coped for more than a week at a time without help when I was ill. She seemed so surprised at that, I don’t think she even realised how much pressure he was under even tho it could have turned out really differently.

DSIL tho? Well she is the favourite ....

I wouldn’t even engage with it any more, just keep saying brother in law will be fab.

There will probably be some in trenched bullshit about men not being able to cope.

My mum would come out with something like this and would take my nephew and niece in a similar situations if my sil was unable to look after the children, she would dress it up as my db needing to get a good nights sleep so he could pick up sil from hospital or some other crap, it all focuses around how she thinks women should suffer and do all the caring because that’s what she did, and that’s what women should still do.

VashtaNerada · 20/02/2021 23:46

This is totally weird. DH looks after our DC whenever I’ve been away or in hospital. Can’t understand the dynamics of a family where this doesn’t happen (unless he can’t take time off work or something?!)

Original poster
keepingwarmatnight · 21/02/2021 00:09

DSIL’s DH is actually very conscientious so it’s all a bit strange, tho we do hear a lot about how tired they are as I say. We, apparently, will have a much easier time when it comes to the bit (which is not unfair on the one hand) but on the other hand the help is to ensure we have the space to keep our business on track.

OP posts: