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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Perspective about DH’s family

50 replies

keepingwarmatnight · 20/02/2021 20:49

I’m going to have a baby in about 3 weeks and we have one already who’s 7 because I am a mid 40’s mum to be.

DSIL and family isn’t far away with a toddler (who is in nursery) and a new baby. DSIL needs a small and important but not emergency operation meaning a couple of nights in hospital before long (but likely after some social easing).

DH’s have always been pretty pushy, only usually getting in contact when they want something. So, on the phone last night MIL announced that whilst I am still pregnant it was understood that I wouldn’t be able to take DSIL’s two kids whilst she was away, but that as they are ‘family’ we ‘would’ be able help out and take the kids whilst she was having the op if the baby was here.

AIBU that I find this presumption rather high handed? Especially as SIL has a DH, it’s only two nights and my DH coped on his own for periods of up to 10 days per month for months when I needed to be in hospital whilst DS was a toddler.

I tried to ask DH in a breezy manner what his thoughts on us taking the kids were and his thought was that whilst we wouldn’t offer, DSIS would only come to us if absolutely necessary so of course, we would then oblige - seemingly totally forgetting the fact that the door has already been opened considering his mums comments (and the constant chatter from his side about how lucky we will be because we will have paid help - which they won’t - and how tired they are with two as they just get no break).

Or does family duty call and I am just being an inhospitable cow....??

OP posts:
EL8888 · 21/02/2021 00:14

Just say no. MIL is taking the piss, she needs to butt out. It’s none of her business

NotDonna · 21/02/2021 00:21

Aha! That’s the issue. You’re paying someone to help you out when your baby arrives. They’re expecting you to share the nanny.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/02/2021 00:25

Tell her to fuck off! Just say 'No'.

Nothing makes me more obstinately against doing something than someone else breezily volunteering me to do it.

ChristOnAPeloton · 21/02/2021 00:27

YABU not to have used your words and said no the first time it was mentioned.

What about the father in all of this? Does he even know or want MIL to be arranging on his behalf to have his own children sent to the nearest vagina owner?

EL8888 · 21/02/2021 00:27

@WhereYouLeftIt same. My mother loves to try to do it to me! I say try as l am wise to her ways these days

Ileflottante · 21/02/2021 00:33

You and me OP have the same situation, right down to favoured SIL who ‘poor darling, they work soooooo hard, they’re sooooo tired,’ according to my ILs. 🙄

Original poster
keepingwarmatnight · 21/02/2021 15:18

Ah I am glad it's not just me.

There has always been an element of annoyance that there are certain things we have that don't get shared about or don't suddenly become communal and I would say that the help for the baby would def come into that - so this is another way in. I can just see where it could go: "You have to help because DSIL needs to be away and you may have 2 as well but DS is an age to help AND you have the nanny AND more resources", and then "You have to help because they need to recuperate and baby is getting older and you must be rested". And even if we did help, it would never, ever be enough because it never, ever is.

And if you ever say, well you aren't that badly done by DSIL and DBIL with your Govt jobs (not frontline healthcare or education I should add) with massive pensions, redundancy packages and job security (unlike us who work for ourselves) well, that counts for nothing apparently because it's not that much, poor them....

OP posts:
Ileflottante · 21/02/2021 16:08

My inlaws are the same! My SIL has a combined household income of over £200k but to listen to the inlaws you’d think they were on the breadline. Hmm it’s all ‘poor them’ and they seem to be labouring under a weird misapprehension that our lives are a privileged walk in the park compared to the darling daughter and so we should give them stuff for free (I could do a whole thread on that but it fucks me off too much to even think about). It’s so weird. I’ve started to be quite snippy and direct and I truly don’t give a shit what they think anymore.

MotherExtraordinaire · 21/02/2021 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
keepingwarmatnight · 22/02/2021 08:33

So considering I am beyond what could even be seen as a geriatric mother, will have a newborn and another child, and my DH a Business to run as I will be on maternity leave recovering, that the help you think I will be able to give will be because of the nanny.

Can you tell me pls if you would expect me to help out if it my DM who was with me giving me a modicum of space to get my head around this, or is it because I am getting paid help that I should ‘share’?

OP posts:
altiara · 22/02/2021 08:51

I’d expect SIL DH to look after his own kids. If MIL wants to help, that’s her choice.

Would not expect you and your DH to help with a newborn expected. Nanny or no nanny.

And for 2 nights!

Ileflottante · 22/02/2021 08:53

Ignore @MotherExtraordinaire OP, they clearly got themselves at it as they were writing that and wanted just to be nasty.

MashNgravy · 22/02/2021 08:56

Is the husband not capable of parenting his own children Hmm

RandomMess · 22/02/2021 09:02

You are perfectly entitled to say "no". After all the paid help is to look after you and the baby and DS7, it isn't in their contract to look after 2 extra siblings.

The DC dad will have to look after his own children! I can't imagine having an extra 2 DC in my home when I had a newborn and trying to settle into new family dynamics!!

billy1966 · 22/02/2021 09:05

OP,

Your MIL sounds like a bossy PITA.

I hope your partner isn't a wuss.

Your in laws sound tedious.

Stop sharing your business or arrangements with them.

The less they know the better.

Elladisenchanted · 22/02/2021 10:00

Motherextraordinaire - there's a difference debating offering support bc you feel you might be able to help vs being told you have to do something because someone else decided you are in a position to - your comment was a little harsh. Why is family only one way here?
OP you don't sound remotely ott. Most people I know wouldn't even ask someone who will have a little baby, never mind expect /demand the help.

GU24Mum · 22/02/2021 10:23

Your problem primarily isn't your MIL - it's your OH. He needs to be very clear that you can't do this and you need to be very clear what it's going to be like if he drops this on you.

Oldraver · 22/02/2021 10:42

Your paid help is not going to like suddenly having two more to care for at all

Original poster
keepingwarmatnight · 22/02/2021 10:47

Yeah he knows my thoughts and agrees it’s not our responsibility - the emergency he foresaw he was if DSIL was in hospital and her DH was incapacitated somehow then we wouldn’t leave the kids to fend of themselves which I agree with. Anything else, totally unacceptable.

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 22/02/2021 10:54

Whatever the needs of your SIL you don't volunteer other peoples help. Either offer yourself or have an actual discussion with the other person about what they can offer rather than just assuming. Is she a pushy person in general?

Original poster
keepingwarmatnight · 22/02/2021 10:59

Yes along with a good spoonful of how badly done by she is.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 22/02/2021 11:11

@Oldraver

Your paid help is not going to like suddenly having two more to care for at all
Excellent point.👏

You have booked a Nanny to help with YOUR family.

Should you then dump two other children on her you would be IMO a right CF.
She would be well within her rights to tell you that you had broken your agreement and leave.

Personally I would fully agree with her, and also if she insisted on being paid.

Be very careful of pissing off the Nanny YOU will need.

Also you should nip your MIL's habit of 'telling' you and your husband what you will do.

Very rude.

You are an adult.

It is NOT normal to have another adult telling you what you will do, an volunteering you for anything.

The only time it happened to a friend of mine from her MIL to do something for someone, my friend never said a word and just allowed her MIL to deal with the fallout and embarrassment.
It never happened again.
Extremely rude to volunteer another adult to do something without asking/checking respectfully.

Original poster
keepingwarmatnight · 22/02/2021 11:18

Yes well I think she’s got the hump more than anything else. It was our wedding anniversary yesterday and she normally rings but this year no contact. I don’t care if she rings or not, it’s more that by not getting in touch, it’s different to usual...

OP posts:
SnuggyBuggy · 22/02/2021 11:27

I'd ignore the hump if I was you.

notalwaysalondoner · 22/02/2021 11:44

I don’t get this either. Unless her DH had a really good reason why he can’t look after his own kids for a couple of days (like being out of the country or something) I don’t see why anyone else needs to be involved, let alone a mother with a newborn. If he really can’t handle it why can’t MIL go stay with them? Either way, keep out of it.

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