Husband comes to bed late every night

[SantaMonicaPier]

It's been especially late this week as he's been off work but it's usual for him to come to bed at or after 12.30am every night. He's either up watching TV or more usually falls asleep on the sofa. I try to be asleep by 11pm latest and every night without fail he wakes me up. He tries to be quiet but even though I'm not not particularly light sleeper I'm then awake for 20 minutes and it's especially hard when I'm in a deep sleep cycle. It's affecting my mood as I'm so tired most days and I've suggested I start to sleep in my study as I have a futon in there. He insists it's not necessary and I know I'd end up resenting him. He's not offered to sleep in my study instead. Anyone else experienced this?

Waking up for 20 minutes in a night isn’t much. I often wake up for that period of time.

Can’t he watch tv on a tablet with earbuds in bed?

He’s being really selfish.

I think it’s tricky to be honest as it’s not fair to expect him to work in with your bedtime in the same way that it wouldn’t be fair to expect you to stay up with him. My DH comes to bed later than me and sometimes wakes me up; it’s annoying but I’m not sure there’s much I can do.

I don’t get why he should offer to sleep elsewhere?

It’s hard when your sleeping patterns don’t match but that doesn’t make either of you wrong.

I’ve been there. My DH now sleeps in our spare room/study during the week, as I was losing it with the interrupted sleep. At first I was sad about not sharing a bed every night and worried about what it meant, but really it has been worth it as we’re both well rested and less argumentative with each other as a result. I think your DH needs to recognise that he can’t decide what is or isn’t ok for your sleep and listen to you. Maybe discuss how to compromise- what time would be acceptable for him to come to bed, or he can choose to sleep in study.

How is he waking you up if you're in a deep cycle?

Surely he's just slipping into bed?

Yeah it's not a selfish thing really. I go to bed earlier and DH does often wake me up. I'm a light sleeper and it can take me a very long time to go to sleep but it's really not for me to dictate when an adult goes to bed.

Also I think we both enjoy the bit of time we have alone when I'm in bed and he's downstairs!

buy some earplugs? I dunno, you can't dictate when he goes to bed though

Why should he sleep on a futon just because you have different preferred bed times? Your choice of 11pm is not a more worthy choice, it is not a more correct choice than his. You say he tries to be quiet, I don’t see what else he can do, I think you are being a bit precious about being gently stirred awake for a few minutes. I thought it was normal to have a short break in sleep.

If it really is intolerable, I think you need to take the futon.

I'd go and sleep in the study for a night or two, just so you are on top of your sleep again, then try back in the main bed. It's the same sleeping with a snorer.

My DH and I sleep separately because of this very reason, he’s an early to bed up early kind of person he’s in bed by 10pm. I’m a late to bed don’t want to get up in the morning kind of person. It’s just our natural rhythms. I spent years when the kids were younger trying to train myself to be an early to bed up with the lark person but I was fighting against my real inclination. Now I can be myself, if I went to bed at 10pm every night with my DH I would just lie there wide awake. There are plenty of ways to enjoy intimacy without always going to bed at the same time and spending all night in the same bed.

Compromise conversation. You're waking me up when you come to bed and it's making me cranky. I would prefer that you come up by 11.15 or otherwise sleep downstairs, but if you think that's unreasonable then let me know and I will take the futon. What do you think?

Sleep cycles are very precious so YANBU. But he’s NBU either. Get another decent bed in another room and just sleep there. When he says it’s not necessary what does he mean? For him or you? Surely you get to decide what is necessary for you to sleep well

Really interesting to see to see such a diversity of opinions thanks. I might insist that I try the futon for a couple of nights to see how I get on.

Is there something different he could do that wouldnt wake you? Or would him simply silently slipping into bed be enough to disturb you?
We have similar differences in bedtime, but the difference is I generally sleep through him getting ready for bed. If he woke me every night, I'd be sleeping elsewhere.

My DP does the same but comes to bed much later sometimes if he has fallen asleep on the sofa (like 3am) AND he snores. Sometimes he wakes me up sometimes he doesn’t it just depends where I am in my sleep cycle when he comes to bed. We spend a couple of nights a week sleeping separately for us both to catch up. Feels like a good compromise to us.

Well it's probably not necessary from his point of view, because he's not the one experiencing the problem. If you'd prefer to sleep separately then do it - you'll soon know if it's helping or not - and if he really doesn't like it then he can make a change to his own habits instead.

Can he get into his PJs/sleep boxers whatever and brush his teeth when you go to bed so he's literally just slipping into bed? No lights etc. That shouldn't wake you?

We sleep in separate rooms. Mine does the same, I go to bed at 10, him at 12/1.
He sleeps in his room now. I'm not being woken up.
I don't thin' getting 5/6 hours sleep is reasonable, he clearly does, so he can sleep elsewhere.

YABU. You’re tired because you’re awake for 20 minutes in the night? Seriously?

If you’re the one who is insisting it’s a problem then you need to fix it ie. sleep on the futon. You can’t make him do so just because you have different bedtimes.

Yes! Mine has started coming to bed around 1am. We get woken by our youngest child at 5-6am so I need to go to bed earlier. He wakes me when he comes in as he doesn’t get ready earlier in the evening so he is changing and banging around - he doesn’t do anything quietly. We don’t have a spare room. Once I get woken after being asleep I am awake for around an hour. He goes to sleep in seconds. He copes with the short amount of sleep because he then disappears during the day to have a nap

I don't think he should offer to sleep elsewhere just because you want to go to bed earlier than he does.

It's difficult when you have different bedtimes, especially when one of you is a light sleeper, but there's not really much that can be done. Either you accept getting woken up, or buy another bed and have separate bedrooms.

Being awake for 20 minutes each night will not cause you to be tired unless your choosing to get up at 4am everyday.

We compromise as I like going to be later than my husband. Sometimes I go to bed much earlier than I'd like to sleep with him and sometimes I stay up late and we sleep separately. He makes it clear he is going to bed at x time, and if I want to go to bed later then he will sleep in the spare room.

Has he always been going to bed this late, or has it changed recently (on weeks when at work?)