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Original poster

Is it me or is this a bit odd?

26 replies

Anthricite · 19/02/2021 21:20

Discussion with partner last night while watching some terrible reality TV dating type show....on the back of one of the participants saying they didn't find the other person attractive although they enjoyed their company.

Partner says well why is that relevant? I said well obviously you have to feel physically attracted to someone (and gave examples of a couple of guys I'd been on dates with before I met partner where there was no spark). He didn't accept it and said that it was ALL personality and when he met me it didn't matter what I looked like, he would have dated me if we'd just got on ok.

A few years ago (we've been together on and off for 7 years) he told me out of the blue that he'd not found me attractive on our first date Hmm but that I grew on him. However at other times he's told me the complete opposite.

I've always told him he was exactly my type physically and personality. .

Yet it seems periodically he comes out with this shit. It's odd because at other times he tells me how much more attractive I am in every sense than other women he's known. I don't really understand why he does it. I don't need his validation, I'm aware that in most terms I'm at least above average, so I don't need him to boost my self esteem. It seems weird though that he comes out with things that completely contradict stuff he's previously said. Another one was when I lost a lot of weight 3 years ago, he said to me recently that I look better now as then I didn't have a figure I was like a board...I was a 32g in a bra! Hardly a board.

OP posts:
PCar20 · 19/02/2021 21:23

He sounds as though he thinks he’s settled, sorry OP

HitchFlix · 19/02/2021 21:25

Why "on and off" OP?

WithinAForestDark · 19/02/2021 21:25

Sounds a bit like he's negging you. Is he a dick in other ways as well?

Givemeabreak88 · 19/02/2021 21:26

Sounds like he’s letting you know he doesn’t find you attractive / you’re not his type

ShirleyPhallus · 19/02/2021 21:27

I think he sounds awkward and clunky with what he’s saying but not terribly offensive. Fwiw I didn’t fancy my husband on our first date which he thinks is hilarious now and reminds me of all the time.

I'm aware that in most terms I'm at least above average

Lol. Are ya.

Original poster
Anthricite · 19/02/2021 21:28

I don't think he's settled. He admitted he did before me (was in a long and quite unhappy marriage with someone he had little in common with) but he would usually describe me as his perfect match. It feels rather like he goes through phases where he makes out that looks/ physical attributes are unimportant.

OP posts:
Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 19/02/2021 21:30

Love means different things to different people. To some, looks are a high priority, to others friendship/having a laugh/shared interests/intellect is more important. Maybe your personality turns him on more than your looks? Surely you'd prefer that to him only fancying you when you look a certain way? He presumably loves the whole you - the way you look, your personality, your flaws, weird habits, etc, everything about you combined, to him, is what he loves. I'd take that any day over someone who oh fancied me because I looked alright. Telling you you're more attractive than other females surely doesn't mean you are prettier? There's a lot more to 'attraction' than how someone looks. It sounds as though you're a bit shallow here actually.

Francescaisstressed · 19/02/2021 21:30

I didn't fancy lots of my exes at first, they also grew on me but it's their personality that grew on me.
Looks aren't forever, I don't think he's being rude he's trying to show its not all looks and sounds as though it's coming out wrong.

ThePricklySheep · 19/02/2021 21:31

Does he do this about other things? Just says something and then feels he has to stand by it maybe?

FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 19/02/2021 21:31

Some people like me don't have a physical type. It is possible! I literally fancy no celebrities, I just can't find someone attractive if i haven't got to know them. That doesn't mean I can't see when people are physically attractive, it's just not their physical attractiveness I'm attracted to, if that makes sense! Not explaining myself very well but maybe he isn't either! Surely most people would rather their other half be with them for their personality rather than looks, given how looks change

Original poster
Anthricite · 19/02/2021 21:37

I understand not having a type. But I don't see how you can say that you don't need any physical attraction to someone, obviously looks alone are irrelevant, but that spark of attraction is surely what takes someone from being just a platonic friend to a potential partner.

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 19/02/2021 21:38

I didn’t find my dh at all attractive when we first met. His personality won me over! That doesn’t mean he wasn’t attractive - he is very handsome and has the loveliest eyes I have ever seen - but he just wasn’t my type at first glance. I wouldn’t actually tell him this, and it’s genuinely unimportant because now my only type is him.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 19/02/2021 21:45

Only really started fancying my DH after l knew him for ages as a friend- all about the personality although obvs now l fancy him!

Original poster
Anthricite · 19/02/2021 21:48

I get falling for someone who isn't your type or not having an immediate attraction....but that's not what he's saying. he seeks to be saying he doesn't have that, that he doesn't look at physical attributes.

Except I know this isn't true, there are certain celebs he has said in the past he considers attractive (one of whom I look a little like)

OP posts:
Original poster
Anthricite · 19/02/2021 21:52

On our 3rd or 4th date, a long time ago now, he said how beautiful I was with or without makeup.
.
Which is at odds with saying he didn't find me attractive when we first met.

And which is also at odds with saying you don't care about physical attributes because if you didn't then surely you wouldn't find anyone attractive or unattractive based on looks!

OP posts:
Shaniac · 19/02/2021 21:52

Hmm is the relationship good in other ways and this is a minor thing? I get it though. My dp isn't attracted to me at all but loves me anyway. On the surface i know thats the important thing but it still hurts to know he is attracted to other women and not me.

Shaniac · 19/02/2021 21:55

To add, yes its odd your dp keeps changing his story. Either he was attracted to you from the begining or he wasnt. Although the main thing is, is he attracted to you currently.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 19/02/2021 22:03

Why "on and off" OP?

Beat me too it. Jumped out to me as well.

Original poster
Anthricite · 19/02/2021 22:25

Is he attracted to me now? Right now, he would say that he doesn't look at anyone physically, doesn't notice and that he loves my personality.

Ask him on another day and he'd say how pretty I am or whatever.

OP posts:
BettyBoomerang · 19/02/2021 22:31

Meh, sounds like he's trying to sound 'deep', like physical attraction is too far beneath him.

TaraRhu · 19/02/2021 22:37

I didn't physically fancy my husband at first but there was something about him that I trusted and wanted to know more about. The physical stuff / desire came later. So it really didn't matter waist he looked like! I'm not saying my husband is unattractive- he's not but I didn't look at him and want to tear his clothes off.

So I get what he was saying about the dating show, you need to give someone a chance sometimes. But it is off how he chops and changes his views!

Ponoka7 · 20/02/2021 05:19

@ShirleyPhallus
"I'm aware that in most terms I'm at least above average
Lol. Are ya."

Why have women got to play their looks down? Some of us are mire physically attractive than others.

OP it does sound as though he negs you now and again. Or perhaps he's trying to convince himself that he didn't settle first time around and waste all of that time.

ShirleyPhallus · 20/02/2021 06:47

[quote Ponoka7]@ShirleyPhallus
"I'm aware that in most terms I'm at least above average
Lol. Are ya."

Why have women got to play their looks down? Some of us are mire physically attractive than others.

OP it does sound as though he negs you now and again. Or perhaps he's trying to convince himself that he didn't settle first time around and waste all of that time.[/quote]
It’s an odd turn of phrase. It says nothing about looks but that she’s above average (in everything?)

I’m aware that some women are more attractive than others. I’m a total babe obviously

Shoxfordian · 20/02/2021 06:51

It sounds like he’s trying to undermine your confidence in yourself. What’s the point in telling you if he doesn’t think you’re physically attractive other than to be mean?!

MzHz · 20/02/2021 08:16

Well @Anthricite, the ONLY important questions here are:

What do YOU see in HIM? What do you get out of this relationship?

Being with someone who runs you down - even slightly- dents your self esteem and wears away at you over time.

My oh thinks I’m “extremely beautiful” and “very pretty” he qualifies this when I laugh and say ‘if you say so’

Thing is.. I was brought up by parents who criticised me for everything, my mother was probably jealous of me by the looks of it, no idea why, but that’s her issue. My sons dad ran me down for years and years and just played into the narrative.

So I don’t believe these things my oh says. I look in the mirror and who I see isn’t beautiful at all.

Maybe she is, the evidence is apparently there that oh is right but I can’t see it.

I’m sure you are above average love. Perhaps I am too, wish I believed it.

So please don’t let this bloke try to bring you down.

I think you need to give him his marching borders actually and find someone who adores you for you, who absolutely loves you and thinks you’re the most beautiful woman in the world

That’s what I have and it feels amazing, and perhaps one day I’ll actually believe my oh.