[quote foodiefil]@applesandoranges221 Hi Apples hope you don't mind me asking you this. I have a friend who is in this exact position, 33 (we both are) and no relationship ever. One sexual experience with a man when we were 22 that i think was done to "get it over with". I would like to talk to her about this. Not to stick my nose in but we are all now at the stage where we are married and having children and she says "when I have a baby, when I get married" but I'm concerned that this stage of her life will pass her by because we (her friendship group) are past the going out on the pull stage and she won't do online dating. But I want to talk to her so that in 20 years time there's not a moment where we are talking and she says she wishes someone had helped her. She had a bit of a meltdown on her birthday recently. I think somewhat related to this but she put it down to just "getting older".
I know you aren't the same person and only know what I've told you but can you give me any advice for approaching her about this?
TIA[/quote]
Not the person you asked but I wanted to answer anyway, feel free to ignore!
Initially I was going to say leave it, don’t say anything. She clearly knows she wants those things and she knows she isn’t in that position and that she’s not (to your knowledge anyway) doing much to try to and get them. So I think there’s really nothing a kindly intentioned friend could say to suddenly ‘wake her up’ to her situation: she knows. She’s not daft. She might be saying ‘when I do this’ as a way of joining in and not being left out, or maybe she believes it’ll drop into her lap. It might!
Having said all of that, I do think there is one appropriate way to respond when she says stuff like that, and that’s to enquire like you would with any friend when the topic comes up how it’s going. ‘When I get married...’ ‘yeah! How’s dating going lately?’ keep it simple. I don’t think that’s a nosey or inappropriate thing to ask a friend who’s talking about clearly wanting this in the future. As long as you’re sensitive.
But really, I meant this kindly, you asking her why she isn’t actively trying to find someone or pointing out that she isn’t gonna get married if she doesn’t try meet someone isn’t gonna be the thing that makes her go ‘ahhh yes! I KNEW there was something I forgot to do!’. Her own reasons for not pursuing this (to your knowledge) are her own and valid. And tbf lots of people do meet someone without looking.
So I’d personally say nothing, but if you absolutely must then maybe just ask casually how dating is going when the topic comes up. I don’t think that’s egregious. But the more I’m typing the more I’m realising that would be for you to feel like you’re helping her... and you won’t be. So after this wall of text, I say leave it.