to feel like less of a person because I've never had a relationship?

[AureliainBlack]

I'm not particularly lonely or unhappy, but I feel like I am in a glass bubble, just watching everyone else.

My friends are starting to talk about settling down, planning weddings and babies. I'm so pleased for them but it feels like a different life to mine, one I can't even begin to imagine.

Would you judge someone who was 29 and never dated? Do you think it radiates off me, that I'm weird and unloveable?

Nope wouldn't judge you. When I was your age I'd barely dated anyone and agree that some people just don't get started like others do as teenagers.

I then had a very brief relationship when I was 31 and then met my ex and got married at 34. We aren't together anymore but it sure as hell wasn't my inexperience that ended things, that was him cheating.

Just remember that whether you're in a relationship or not, you are worthy, loved and complete as you are. I loved being married but I also love being single and that's because I'm content with who I am. That's the important thing I feel, work on your own passions and interests and if you meet someone then its a wonderful addition to your life.

OP, there really is nothing wrong with you at all.

I’m 33, never had a relationship in my whole life. Can’t remember the last time I even so much as held hands with a bloke. I haven’t kissed anyone since 2008 and as for the other thing...well...2007 if I recall! I can’t say it bothers me tbh and I don’t usually comment on these types of thread but I think the reply by @allthepeopleversuswork up-thread could be quite accurate!

There really is nothing wrong with you at all, the only problem is if you would like a relationship but feel unable to find one (but said you feel quite happy?) It is worth remembering though, that partnered ppl sometimes crave single-dom and single people sometimes crave partnership. I.e - it is perfectly normal to have a few moments where you might crave the opposite. What matters is what YOU want/enjoy the majority of the time.

Back to ‘is it weird though’ - no, it’s not!! Of my circle of friends, some are married/partnered etc but two of them are just like me also and have never had relationships either. 🤷🏼‍♀️ We all live full lives in various different ways and nobody thinks anybody is weird for it.

Also, pls don’t anyone think that if you are single then it’s only acceptable if you are doing astonishingly impressive things instead, like having a mega high flying career, travelling the world or inventing a car that runs on water etc..... That’s a load of old tosh that quite a few books about ‘single ladies’ peddle. They forget the women like me (and my friends!) who plan to live a quiet, content happy life by myself with my own little goals and have a marvellous time. Xxxx

@AureliainBlack

I'm not unhappy. My life is fine, really. I could imagine myself being happy with a husband and children, but I also feel like I'd have to make myself unhappy to get to that point... does any of that make sense?

It absolutely makes sense and in all honesty it’s something I’d admire. Unfortunately I think far too many people are in shit relationships because they can’t bear to be alone.

I wouldn't judge you at all

It happens for some not for others

I'm much older than you and haven't been in a relationship for nearly 20 years

I don't know if people judge me but I do know that I judge myself

I’m 30 and In exactly the same boat. I don’t know what the solution is, but you’re not alone!

I didn't have any serious relationships before I met my husband. When I did meet him it was easy. I knew I wanted to get married and have children and I had the confidence to be open about this. We married within the year and had children very soon after. In my experience you just need to meet that one person you can do life with.

In all honesty, I think most people would think it a little odd at 29 but certainly not that it makes you weird or unlovable! I’d think you were either very discerning in finding someone you want to be with or very shy with low self esteem.

My DD is a few months in to her first ever relationship at 24. All her friends had been through quite a few guys already and she was very unhappy about it, felt like there was something wrong with her when actually it was to do with her being very shy and self conscious and projecting an unapproachable persona as a defence mechanism (guys used to be afraid to approach her ). I used to worry a lot as I wanted her to find someone to treat her like a queen and to feel how it feels to fall in love, etc! I’m delighted for her but I think she’s finding it hard going coming out of her comfort zone especially during lockdown (he’s her bubble) as they can’t socialise like normal so they’re spending a lot of time just them together and it’s full quite full on. She had her first Valentines Day where he really treated her, flowers, balloons, candlelit dinner etc. It’s definitely added another element to her life that wasn’t there before and given her a spring in her step!

If you’re happy as you are though, you do you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It’s not something anyone needs to know about anyway unless you tell them.

Thank you for all the lovely messages. You're so kind.

No, people are different. It's refreshing to see someone who doesn't need another person to feel happy. I know a number of women your age who are single and really depressed by it and chasing the wrong men because they want to settle down.

I had never had a relationship until I met my husband. I was 34 when I met him. It did used to upset me, I met him after I moved cities and met a lot of new people. I think I’d kind of got stuck in a group before with no easy way of meeting anyone. I had single friends and used to spend a lot of time with them. I had a lot of ill advised casual encounters/FWB but no one ever asked me out/ and vice versa. I managed to get the whole way through university completely single while others seemed to be able to jump from relationship to relationship which seemed unfair. Just writing this so you feel less alone. Obviously I wouldn’t think you were odd as I’ve been there.

My DH hadn't had much of a relationship before me, we met online when he was pushing 35. I was 30 and hadn't got a mega amount of experience under my belt. Whereas some of my friends were barely out of a relationship ever.
The old adage is true sometimes, you're just waiting for the right one.x

There is nothing wrong with you. I didn’t have a proper relationship until I was 28 and met my now husband. I have several friends with similar stories, they barely dated and then met their husbands and that was that. I also have friends who always had boyfriends in their 20’s but the relationships didn’t last and they’ve been single for most of their 30’s.

@AureliainBlack

I just never seemed to get started at the same time as all my peers, and then it all snowballed into a huge list of things I haven't done.

I've been on a few first dates but I don't know how to flirt, and I get so introverted when I'm nervous. I don't think I have the personality to be successful at online dating.

I thought for a long time that 'it' would all be easy when/ if I could only meet the right person, but now I'm beginning to think that's not true.

I'm 26 and know exactly what how you feel.

I think I get this. One of my close friends had a girlfriend at uni but they split and in the more than ten years since hasn't been able to start another relationship despite a lot of effort. If I'd split with my uni boyfriend I doubt I'd have had another relationship.

Even with trying it can be really hard to find someone you feel comfortable with. You don't sound weird at all to me.

I don't think that there's anything wrong with being single at all, so long as you're happy. I'd rather see a friend happily single, than in a shitty relationship because they can't bear to be alone. Do the things that make you happy, have your own little goals in life. If you do want to meet someone, you can always just start with socialising online (and irl eventually) with people with similar interests to you.

Better to feel content and love yourself than have 100 people who use you then dump you. Don’t feel bad. If you really want it, it will happen. Are you risk averse or lacking in self confidence? I say this because between let’s I didn’t date for years. Partly men just seemed to want a shag and nothing more and I wouldn’t fall for it and partly I was looking for red flags everywhere and finding them. Also, I felt I didn’t deserve or wouldn’t find someone so I subconsciously made that a reality. The truth is, it’s a numbers game. Ask 100 men out ten will say yes and maybe one will turn into a relationship. You might have to date someone who doesn’t tick all of your boxes. My friend started dating at your age- she’s only had one relationship but it’s happy. Don’t give up.

Re: being introverted, try role playing flirting in your head, think what you would say, how you would feel, watch romantic films until you feel more confident with expressing yourself. As you think you become.

Oh OP. Sorry you are feeling left out. I feel very much this way about jobs/working! I am 32 and have never had what I think of as a "proper job". Part time jobs and retail... other people my age have careers and any time talk turns to work I feel so much of an imposter and just want to crawl off and be somewhere else. Even DH working from home is making me feel embarrassed and inadequate because I can't begin to imagine how I will catch up to his skill level.

I have been in relationships since I was 16 and some of them haven't been great. I can understand the feeling of being left behind. OTOH at least men your age aren't quite as monumental idiots as teenage boys. I'm sure nobody is judging you. My sister is in a very similar position and we don't judge her at all. She just has never met somebody who is right for her, and honestly, good for her! A lot of us go around and throw ourselves at whatever comes our way which in hindsight isn't always the smartest decision.

Keep being picky. Make friends with people. Do things that will cause you to meet people (work, education, volunteering, social activities) - tricky at the moment of course, but it will come back.

My best school friend didn't have a relationship until she was 35. I did worry a tiny bit about her because she did have a long crush on someone I thought was a twat, and I worried that she was missing opportunities because she was thinking about him. Also she refused to compromise, unlike the rest of us who were running through awful relationships and frequently miserable. However, she met a man who was ridiculously perfect for her when he phoned her for a charity appeal. Once he was off his shift, he phoned her back, they talked for 4 hours, and 15 years later they are married with 2 kids. I would say that she is definitely overall happier than she was, but also that marriage and kids is not a perfect life or easy.

I'd carryon concentrating on your interests and happiness.

I was 29 when I had my first proper relationship. The man I married, and to this day he doesn’t know I was a virgin when I met him.

It’s a strange place to be in. I liked myself. I owned my own home. I was content. However, I did find it difficult because I had a job, not a high-flying career. Society only seems to accept long term single women if they are someone important, not someone ordinary.

I don’t know what to say really. I forced myself onto OLD because I wanted children. I love my husband but would not have married him if I was past child bearing years. Maybe that makes me a bad person, but I think I am just an introverted realist.

My friends never seemed to judge me, but if I am honest, I think at some point, it would have turned a bit weird. Not because I was single, but because I had never had any relationship at all. It would be like a huge unspoken void. This massive commonality of life experience that I didn’t have.

Anyway, it turned out ok for me. I wouldn’t judge you at all because it was sheer chance I ended up meeting someone I rub along well with. However, I hate say it, but others will.

Friendship is what I think most important and family- as long as family relationships are supportive and loving. Relationships have been hugely important to me, I've learnt grown and developed through wonderful loving sexual relationships with both a man and several women. I've also grown and developed through being single. Throughout it all my friendships with other women have sustained delighted comforted and nourished me. So that's my message to young women and to you OP- get on and enjoy your life, open your heart and mind to experiences, find and nourish your passions and invest time and energy in your friendships. If a sexual relationship is written in the stars for you, it will happen.

Most of the good relationships I know seem to be between people who started as friends. I do think by this age you can get stuck in a bit of a friend rut though.

No, I wouldn't, but that was because I was that person. And I remember how scared I was, just like you OP.

I met my husband when I was 31, and before that all I had was dates. I would go out with somebody one, two, three, four times before stopping. Simply, before I met my husband I have never met somebody I wanted to be with who also wanted to be with me. Those who wanted to be with me, I didn't want to be with them, and those who I wanted to be with had zero interest in me, or there was some other problem with them.

My mother was the worst in that period. For her I was crazy because I didn't what to settle. But I really had no interest in relationships just to be in one. I wanted all or nothing - somebody who will love me and who I will love back and somebody I'll be happy with. It was enough losing a virginity to a guy and have sex with somebody just to tick that box. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have done it.

So I gave an ad - on internet dating site. And there I met my husband. And he was everything I wanted. And now ten years later, two kids later, I'm happier then I have ever been. And happy I have never listened to my mother.

Important to add that I was perfectly happy to stay single, just not to have train wreck of a marriage my parents had.

OP, I'm not going to say it will happen. Maybe it won't. But being 29 and single is nothing to be ashamed of. There are plenty of people like you. Just that they're silent.

Also don't assume it will be difficult to find someone. If it's meant to be it will be.
DP and I met mere months after his traumatic split from his wife. We clicked instantly and now, we are happier than ever. It's not necessarily a case of meeting lots of men only for 1 for you to click with. Sometimes it will just happen when you least expect it.

I’m 33 and have never had ( or particularly wanted) a relationship, but I know what you mean about certain moments making you question! The reality is that in theory I’d love someone to cuddle / have brunch with but there’s no way I could put up with all the rest of it.