to expect 9/10 year old to regulate noise they make

[JS87]

DS is a very noisy child. He has a very loud voice and when playing roblox and chatting to his friends whilst playing on video messaging he tends to talk very loudly/ shout when he gets excited. He is also an elephant and stomps around the house running up and down stairs etc.
We are constantly asking him to talk quieter but he does for a few minutes and then forgets again.
DH thinks he is old enough now to have consequences- stop him playing after a few warnings. I'm just not sure if he is old enough to be capable of keeping his voice down when excited. In fact, I'm not sure boys are very good at this even when older. He is also an only child so it's his only contact with friends at the moment. I'm worried if we impose consequences like this he will actually just end up having screen time removed every day after about 10 minutes!
Do you think pre-teens (9/10) can learn to keep the noise down?
I would add DH has a very low threshold for noise so DS isn't actually excessively noisy, he's just making the amount of noise most children make. The situation is also exasperated by us trying to work from home and needing to concentrate.

So you are going to punish your child for making more noise than your dh can tolerate? That's madness.

I think at that age they should be able to. From a lot younger, actually. Harsh consequences should remedy the noise.

Clearly you need quiet to be able to WFH and he’s old enough to understand that. Could he be asked to keep it quiet during certain times so you can work but have periods where it doesn’t matter so much. It might take the enjoyment out of it if he’s constantly being reprimanded and I agree with you that keeping in contact with his friends is really important right now.

I’m quite loud by nature - my DH says I’m not capable of being whispering and it’s been mentioned at work. It’s not intentional for me and I’m aware of it and self conscious about it.

My DS10 is the same...he gets excited and gets louder and louder. He stomps up and down the stairs and seems to be unable to do much without making noise! Sometimes I’ll poke my head round the door and ask him to keep it down a bit and he will, for a few minutes, then he seems to get caught up in whatever he’s doing and the volume goes up again! To be fair to him though, he’s a polite, kind, funny, caring little lad and if that’s all he’s doing wrong, well I can live with that....

DD13’s laugh on the other hand....

Of course they can. We live in a flat, we’d be kicked out if I let the SC do what they want. As it is, I have to remind them several times a day and yes, I do remove screens after 3 warnings. Strangely enough...it works!

At the beginning of the post you say he is too loud, then later you say he isn't excessively loud but its just that your DH has a low tolerance. I guess that's what you need to figure out before you decide how to manage it.

Sounds like a nice happy lad,
Your DH however .....
he’s the one with the problem not DS !!!

So you are going to punish your child for making more noise than your dh can tolerate? That's madness
Confused, what madness about this? Of course we should all adapt to each others tolerances especially when it impacts on our ability to work.

It's not an age thing as much as utter excitement playing games. Older teenagers donut too and yes, if course they should be picked up on it.

Your DS sounds fine. They do actually grow out of it, and you will genuinely miss the racket.

Your DH sounds like an arse.

It's very subjective though isn't it? And hard for us in here to judge with any real accuracy really.

On the whole 'can they regulate' thing, I'd say yes...at 9/10 they can, and do 🤷‍♀️

I'm guessing he's in Year 4 or 5, so he will be doing so in school every day. If he wasn't, he'd be in trouble fairly often and you'd have heard about it. He certainly won't be 'stomping around like an elephant' in the classroom, or using that loud/shouting voice to communicate like you say he does on Roblox...so he is 'able' to regulate. He's choosing not to at home. And that's down to how you (as parents) are dealing with this...and it sounds like you're not together on it, which might be part of the problem. In school, the teacher will have set his/her expectations and if these are not followed, the consequences (which will also have been made clear) will be followed through. Every, single, time! You could try something similar, that you all sit down and set out.

@OhioOhioOhio

So you are going to punish your child for making more noise than your dh can tolerate? That's madness.

No we don't want to do that. However, I think it is important that everyone is happy within a household. DS does shout. What I am trying to say is that some people aren't bothered by how much noise their children make at all. Other people expect their children to follow the rules of the household and cooperate with others. What we don't want is a teenager who shouts down the headset whilst gaming with an even louder voice or even one who when a grown up, moves to a flat/shared house with no thought for whether the noise they make might be effecting others. I think that's reasonable?

My ds7 has bells on every tooth. Our house isnt all that big and open plan so i can hear him no matter where he is. He makes a racket going up and down the stairs and anything from playing with the dog, his sister, by himself, he ends up almost, or is, shouting.

This is a tough one. My youngest is really loud and it is a bit intense but I also feel awful for constantly asking him to keep it down. I have a naturally loud voice and have spent my life feeling mortified whenever I've been picked up for forgetting to speak quietly. It's made much worse because the volume increases in line with excitement levels (for both of us), so it's even more deflating when you're carried away with something fun and someone tells you you're too loud. I wish I knew the answer - being told how loud I was made me hugely self conscious, but at the same time, I don't want my kids to annoy people. I'm following with interest...

Ds is great with regards to stairs etc, we have a house where sound travels easy, so from an early age he’s aware we don’t stamp up and down the stairs as it travels very easy to neighbours property. Not great, not ideal but in life we have to learn that we can’t always do what we want! If we had lived in a detached property then that issue wouldn’t have been so much of a problem.

Regarding online gaming. DS is better now he’s older (14) but the problem lies with the headphones, they can’t hear how loud they are! Much the same as when I’m listening to music through my headphones while I’m doing the dishes etc, I’m happily singing along when DH has to tell me I’m too loud! wouldn’t be so bad if I could sing! Going back to DS, we have told him that a solution would be a headphone with one earpiece so he can hear himself, this might be an option for your DS, OP?

Mine has sensory processing disorder .... they simply can’t feel the ground beneath them and walk/stomp loudly, they actually talk very quietly (so quiet I often can’t hear!) because they don’t get the sensory feedback to their brain.

With some children it’s definitely not about giving them consequences if they don’t keep below a certain noise level.

You all need to learn tolerance at the moment. Your dc can’t be blamed for being stuck indoors.

@BoyTree I’m the same as you, DH has to tell me to shush (nicely) when I’m on the phone. I believe I’m slightly deaf in one ear (really do need to go for that hearing test) so I’m very loud, which is where DS probably gets it from, voice wise.

Of course they can be quiet when told to. What do you think they are expected to do in school most of the time?
Don’t let him play on high excitement games when you want the house to be quieter. At ten they should be required to consider others.

I also want to add...please try to stop saying that 'boys' just can't stop themselves (because they're 'boys'?) This is said so often, about so many different things by parents...and that's part of the reason why we have so many 'men' who can't stop themselves 😢

'Boys will be boys'...this is really damaging and such a self-fulfilling prophecy! If you don't stop them now...😱 Do I even need to finish this sentence?

(You never hear 'girls will be girls' do you?? Funny that 🤦‍♀️)

"In fact, I'm not sure boys are very good at this even when older."

Just be aware of that bias. Young men/boys behave in the way they do because they aren't censored like girls are. There's been numerous social experiments were this has been shown, even in families that swear they treat their children the same. If you look at other cultures, children are capable of keeping the noise down without being damaged.

He should have times were he can make more noise, but there still should be a level of self control from around 7.

"Other people expect their children to follow the rules of the household and cooperate with others."

Everyone should be aiming for that. People's lives are made a nightmare by problem neighbours. The children carry on the learnt behaviour as adults and wonder why they don't fit in anywhere.

OP I could have written this myself and something myself and DP have been considering recently. My DSS is VERY loud and it feels like we're constantly saying shhhhh keep your voice down, especially during baby nap time! It's particularly apparent if we're playing board games etc. I've been thinking recently that I just think he has a loud voice naturally and can't really lower it no matter how much he tries so it doesn't feel right telling him off! Like your son he quietens down for a little while and CAN whisper but it just doesn't come naturally! It's mega annoying but I'm starting to think we need to accept it and just limit our shhhhhing to vital times like bedtime etc! X

Firstly put a headset on while the game is loaded and other kids are talking .. Its loud. He doesn't know hes shouting. I would linit online gaming to a time in the day it doesn't matter if he's noisy and enjoying the game.

Secondly. I wouldn't make this about punishing him. Why would you want to teach a young lad the way to make someone behave in a way you find acceptable is to make them feel awful for being who they are.

Have a family meeting, explain in terms that arent accusatory that the way he moves about the house is distracting to his father when working and create strategies together to combat the issue.

A little notice on the stairs simply reminding him "quietly please" would be a good visual aid.

Remember this isn't his issue.. Its yours and his dads.

@YouAreYourBestThing

Yes you are right. I don't want to give "boys" an excuse. I think said I'm not sure if boys are good at this when they are older as 1) they tend to have louder voices then girls post puberty as they are deeper and 2) they "tend" to be more into gaming than girls. Obviously that is generalisation though and it's wrong to do so, so apologies.

I completely agree with you that the phrase "boys will be boys" is no excuse and they should be able to stop themselves. I just struggle with knowing when it is a developmentally appropriate time to do this.
Children are quiet at school in the classroom but I don't think playing computer games is an equivalent setting. It is more comparable to break time and children are able to make much more noise outside in the playground at playtime.

@ loopyapp

he doesn't actually wear a headset for this reason. I just mentioned it for illustrative purposes about other children who do wear them when playing.

I have loud kids...and a loud husband! There are times when we ask them to keep it down and they can.

But at 9/10 think about them and their energy levels. If.your son is waking up, not going anywhere - because you are working - then he will be a little bundle of energy which has to come out some way. And playing with his friends is where he's expressing it.

All these saying they can be quiet at school...they have the walk to school and play times to run off the energy. This then helps them to be calm at other times.

I understand what you are asking - and I would specifically ask him to be quiet when you are on a call for a finite period of time. Then let him be loud again.

We all need to work together during lock down to get through this.