to expect 9/10 year old to regulate noise they make

[JS87]

DS is a very noisy child. He has a very loud voice and when playing roblox and chatting to his friends whilst playing on video messaging he tends to talk very loudly/ shout when he gets excited. He is also an elephant and stomps around the house running up and down stairs etc.
We are constantly asking him to talk quieter but he does for a few minutes and then forgets again.
DH thinks he is old enough now to have consequences- stop him playing after a few warnings. I'm just not sure if he is old enough to be capable of keeping his voice down when excited. In fact, I'm not sure boys are very good at this even when older. He is also an only child so it's his only contact with friends at the moment. I'm worried if we impose consequences like this he will actually just end up having screen time removed every day after about 10 minutes!
Do you think pre-teens (9/10) can learn to keep the noise down?
I would add DH has a very low threshold for noise so DS isn't actually excessively noisy, he's just making the amount of noise most children make. The situation is also exasperated by us trying to work from home and needing to concentrate.

I think it's normal childhood behaviour and your DH is borderline abusive ( to the child.)

Nothing sadder than a forcibly quieted / mute child who's fearful of the consequences of any show of childhood.

It's a lockdown and times are hard. Especially for children.

My DD is eleven, and she had her friends also tend to get a bit shouty over video chats and whilst co-op gaming.

Like you, she's an only child and like you, this is her only social contact with anyone not an adult (or, indeed) a parent at the moment.

We do absolutely expect her to moderate her volume to a reasonable level during chats and games, when there's a reason for this. So, if we're in the room with her and she hits a volume which becomes unpleasant, or when she's a work with me and people are trying to concentrate. Failing to moderate after a warning does mean we ask her to end the chat, move to another room (if that's possible) or come off the game.

However, we also make a point of giving her times where we're NOT in the room and she has control. So, for example, she and some of her freinds now have a regular Sat evening gaming slot, where she has control of the lounge, and we move to another room. We would only moderate then if she got loud enough that she was causing a noise disturbance properly - i.e. there was a risk of our neighbour hearing it. We've never had that issue yet.

Children can and should be taught to moderate volume when needed - I can't stand the shrieky shouting that goes with the gaming - but at the current time, given it is her only social contact, it felt unfair to always having to be hushing or interrupting or asking her to cut it off, so we found a compromise.

@Crystal90567

I think it's normal childhood behaviour and your DH is borderline abusive ( to the child.)

Nothing sadder than a forcibly quieted / mute child who's fearful of the consequences of any show of childhood.

It's a lockdown and times are hard. Especially for children.

Pardon?? I haven't actually said in my post that DH has asked DS to be quiet. I said that he was saying that maybe he is now old enough to have consequences if he is excessively noisy after warnings. That is not abusive. That is about teaching children respect for others. I don't want DS to grow up with no thought for how his actions affect others (as so many children seem to be growing up today!).

My boys (and I include my husband!) are all naturally quite loud.

When they’ve exceeded my tolerance levels one too many times, that’s when it’s time for them to do something else. I frame it as ‘a break’ from whatever as they’re getting too wound up. This would always be after a few requests to keep it down!

I don’t want to punish enthusiasm or being excited, but I do want to teach consideration for others.

I'd expect a younger child to be able to regulate noise with correction, yes. I wouldn't punish them for creating noise, but I'd praise them for the correct levels of noise and keep reminding them. Personally I think regulating noise is part of socially acceptable behaviour. It's tricky if they aren't being taught to do so as certainly if someone was gaming loudly at Uni accommodation or similar, they'd be likely to be called out on it, so better to learn young! It also helps teach empathy and consideration as it's part of recognising how others might be feeling about the noise your making. I think it's totally reasonable to expect a ten year old to consider other people!

Also, I agree it's ridiculous people are calling abuse on you, OP! How bonkers! It's not abusive to have expectations of your children or healthy boundaries around noise levels. It is more abusive to not encourage consideration of other people's feelings (honestly, I live with someone who's family did not and it's a lot of work to help them consider it when they're older!).

My neighbours before lockdown used to have a boy who visited a specific day after school.

It was horrendous to have to listening to him stamping about and crashing up and down stairs {Terraced house..urgh} STAMP STAMP STAMP SHOUT SHOUT...

Shoes off in the house and putting feet to the floor softly is perfectly doable.
As is shouting.

He will be much less wearying to be around is he is less obtrusive.

Shouting and heavy footedness tends to be a habit.

Don't blame your DH at all.

Sorry to say but it doesn't get any better! DSS17 has spent the majority of lockdown screaming, swearing, raging and laughing like a banshee on crack - all at a volume that could probably be compared to an entire class of 5yos screaming at the same time.

DP and I shout up to him to please keep the noise down and like your son he will for all of 30 seconds.

We have to stop him gaming at 10pm as next door can hear him loud and clear through the wall when they go to bed! They literally text us when they're going to bed (they're nice about it, we asked them to do this) and we have to tell DSS to either calm down or come off - and after 30 seconds he's already missed the opportunity to take the 'calm down' option.

I don't know what the solution is either. I WFH and it's so tough having this all the time. I haven't had the house to myself since December 28th when DP went to pick DSS up from a day visit to his mum's, and honestly I think I'm going to have a breakdown.

I have 3 boys on headsets and yes the level of noise can get irritating, that's why we then limit down the time spent on the noise provoking games as everyone needs some quiet time, my partner is more noise sensitive than me but when he has been at work all day, pushed to the maximum, I can understand why he doesn't want to listen to the kids being loud and talking on headsets constantly. My older son now understands it as he complains about the younger one on headsets now screeching and shouting

@MagpieSong

I'd expect a younger child to be able to regulate noise with correction, yes. I wouldn't punish them for creating noise, but I'd praise them for the correct levels of noise and keep reminding them. Personally I think regulating noise is part of socially acceptable behaviour. It's tricky if they aren't being taught to do so as certainly if someone was gaming loudly at Uni accommodation or similar, they'd be likely to be called out on it, so better to learn young! It also helps teach empathy and consideration as it's part of recognising how others might be feeling about the noise your making. I think it's totally reasonable to expect a ten year old to consider other people!

Absolutely agree.

Two young men moved in over the road..

I heard them say to their neighbour ''We are used to making as much noise as we want, as we lived in the Country''....they said to let them know if it became ''Too loud''

I pitied her.

Clearly they know they are noisy, and yet why not just be quiet, rather than inform a neighbour they ''We are noisy''.

It is simply good manners to consider others, starting from childhood :)

I was going to say YABU for this comment In fact, I'm not sure boys are very good at this even when older. but I’ve been beaten to it. Boys don’t get a free pass to be noisier than girls. The deep voice thing makes no difference to whether or not they are noisy I don’t think.

Your DH is a bit precious isn’t he!?

I think 9/10 is old enough to be able to keep the noise down when needed, but I would question if it’s needed during the daytime.

Of course he is old enough to be asked and reminded to keep tye volume below shouting, and to have a break from any activity that is causing him to shout after being asked nicely. its all part of learning to be considerate of others.

Has he had a hearing test recently? Do his headsets and headphones have low maximum volumes as advised for children?
i fear we will very soon be seeing an exponential increase in under 55s with hearing loss, as the generations with access to headphones and portable devices from childhood filter through.

Yes of course 9/10 year olds can control how much noise they make!

Children of this age should be able to regulate their loudness, yes, and it's something they will learn more as they get older. They have to do it at school so can learn to do it at home too.

It's very hard to work and concentrate if someone is shouting in the next room, and wfh isn't going to be made easier by it happening. It would drive me mad when trying to work and there are some jobs such as recording lessons I simply couldn't achieve with shouting happening elsewhere in the house.

So you need a compromise:

Certain times of the day where the noise level must be kept lower and other times where more loudness will be tolerated longer.

Do you have a phone or iPad/tablet? You could download a noise monitor app - there are lots of child friendly ones, often under educational tools. It will have a smiley face if within the set noise tolerance and give warnings if too loud. Might be worth a try.

@Crystal90567

I think it's normal childhood behaviour and your DH is borderline abusive ( to the child.)

Nothing sadder than a forcibly quieted / mute child who's fearful of the consequences of any show of childhood.

It's a lockdown and times are hard. Especially for children.

Asking a child to quieten down is NOT abusive. Asking a child not to shout in the house when playing a game is NOT abusive.

Yes, lockdown is hard - it's hard for everyone. It doesn't mean people should be allowed to shout and scream in the house when others are trying to work.

Is it also abusive when schools expect children not to shout in the room?

OP ... you have said I would add DH has a very low threshold for noise so DS isn't actually excessively noisy, he's just making the amount of noise most children make. ..., I think you need to work out what is actually going on and acceptable first. If your ds is only making normal noise, the same as other children, then why does he need to quieten down? Your Dh has a low noise threshold, so maybe it’s actually your dh who needs some coping strategies, NOT your son to change?

It's an idea to think of some technical solutions alongside parental guidance.

If you play games with a headset, you can't really hear yourself and tend to shout. Some headsets will broadcast the sound of your own voice into the headset, and if that's loud, it will quiten him down.

There are free apps which measure decibel levels. some designed for kids, which display a warning when the noise is too loud.

Big fluffy slippers!

Your DH can get a good quality pair of noise-cancelling headphones when working, or a low budget solution like earplugs, that would really help.

Depending on where DS games, you might be able to add a little sound-proofing - curtains, rugs and bookshelves all help, here - hanging tick cloth on the wall behind the PC or console might helpe. Alternatively, if you have the space, relocate the game area.

My DS is so loud on his PS4, that after 10:30 he has to turn off his mic and headphones so the neighbours aren't disturbed. Even then, he thumps on the floor and swears a lot of the time.

Generally, a 9 year old can regulate their noise, although some people just do seem to be naturally noisier than others. However, as you said the noise he makes is just normal kid noise, I think your DH is being a little unreasonable.

Rather than expecting your son to be quiet all the time, how about giving him set times where he has to be quiet (like when you/DH are on a work call, or when you need an hour to really concentrate), then times when he can let loose. If he's playing games online with his mates, can he play at about the same time each day, so you know that, e.g. from 4:30pm - 5:30pm he's going to be loud and it will be ok with you all?

Reading this thread, it's be i.e no surprise while they are more and more kids being a complete nuisance around other people with the racquet they make because their parents think it's absolutely fine and excusable.

I guess it won't be long now until they can be sent to the garden so the parents get some peace and quiet inside whilst their kids disturb their neighbours who can't enjoy their garden due to the noise.

I think teaching a child self awareness and consideration is a good thing.

Being a noisy adult is very tedious.

Living with someone who thumps around and slams doors, never closes a kitchen press door, can all become part of it.

There is nothing wrong with explaining that we are all spending a lot more time at home and being too noisy impacts others.

Screaming while on the PS4 does my head in. Even though we have solid walls here I can hear one of mine. He gets over excited.
Being told he has to get off calms him down sharpish.

Consideration of others is a life skill, never to early to learn it.

Of course children can learn to modulate the amount of noise they make. My dad worked nights, I (and my brother) move like a ninja. To the point of scaring the shit out of housemates in later life.

I'm not saying be quite as harsh as my mum, but letting kids bang and shout creates adults that bang and shout. I had perfectly nice uni housemates who couldn't close a door without slamming it.

@Frlrlrubert

Of course children can learn to modulate the amount of noise they make. My dad worked nights, I (and my brother) move like a ninja. To the point of scaring the shit out of housemates in later life.

I'm not saying be quite as harsh as my mum, but letting kids bang and shout creates adults that bang and shout. I had perfectly nice uni housemates who couldn't close a door without slamming it.

This is so funny to read.

I had a pal of two parents who were medical and she was exactly the same.

We used to call her the ghost.

She often scared the life out of us.😁

I'm in my 30's and struggle to manage my noise sometimes 😂😂
He's definitely too young.
We all get loud when we're excited or happy, it's normal.