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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stand down from the group over this?

32 replies

Rae34 · 18/02/2021 22:31

This would've fitted in well over on feminism but I worried it would be outing.

I joined a voluntary group a couple of years ago promoting women's rights. It has been very beneficial and reward in a lot of ways but has been a revolving door over the last while.

The newest group has some very nice ladies who have many great views about equality but (without sounding big headed) aren't as clued up on issues as I am. Now for women's day next month we are putting on an event. One member has announced she is going to do a talk in relation to her fantastic opportunities in a country which has one of the worst records for human rights for women in the world. Really terrible. This is because she was given those great opportunities personally...

I think many attending audience members on the day will be fully clued up on this country's behaviour towards women and find us to be amateurs.

Is it fair enough to leave over this or am I being over dramatic? I don't even feel I can speak up because the woman is so lovely and it will look like I'm saying she can't talk about her own life - but I just feel this is so tone deaf.

On top of that, we were asked to put forward which topics we would most like to cover. My preferred topic which relates to the job I've done most of my life has now been fully allocated to someone else who has never done that job. This has upset me - the person this has been allocated to didn't initially express any interest in it.

OP posts:
Verashat · 18/02/2021 22:34

You won’t change them and they will target you so I would walk. People gang up when they feel threatened.

Original poster
Rae34 · 18/02/2021 22:34

It is also worth saying I've struck up friendships with some of these women that I value but am feeling quite unhappy. It is worth leaving over one event, even if it goes against what I believe in.

OP posts:
TimeToCloseTheDoor · 18/02/2021 22:37

If it isn’t making you happy then you have the control to move forward

CSIblonde · 18/02/2021 22:38

Im assuming whoever is in charge okayed & 'allocated' these, so it sounds like you're not on the same page as the person who is the decion maker. So it's probably time to move on, with no drama. Just say you have a lot on at the moment.

Original poster
Rae34 · 18/02/2021 22:38

Also allocating that topic to someone else after I expressed specific interest - that either means that the person forgot that I did OR they purposefully gave it away to someone else.

It is my main area of expertise so it wouldn't even make sense for me to talk about something else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Rae34 · 18/02/2021 22:40

I just know from experience that they don't stay in touch generally with people who leave. It's almost seen as an 'you left us' sort of thing.

It has been a good source of connection during the lockdowns. I actually feel like a horrible knowledge snob 'I can't believe you would cover this topic don't you know anything' - but that is how I feel!

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 18/02/2021 23:00

You need to speak up on both matters. Surely it’s more offensive to just leave the group than to express your opinion calmly and respectfully?

Original poster
Rae34 · 18/02/2021 23:06

I spoke up on a matter before quite strongly which lead to something being over turned. That was the right decision in the end, so I felt good about that.

I have been outspoken a few times on principle and I can practically imagine some members rolling their eyes at times. I'll consider speaking up. I just find them quite ignorant of womens issues outside the Western world. It isnt line with the dog's values imo.

OP posts:
parietal · 18/02/2021 23:09

speak up. be difficult. I bet there will be at least one or two other people thinking the same.

katy1213 · 18/02/2021 23:11

It can't be much of a feminist group if you feel unable to speak up and say, 'That's not a great idea.'
It seems stupid to leave when you haven't even voiced your concerns. You mght well find that others agree with you.

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/02/2021 23:15

" I don't even feel I can speak up because the woman is so lovely and it will look like I'm saying she can't talk about her own life - but I just feel this is so tone deaf."

I find this very odd for someone who is supposed to be a member of a group that is fighting for rights. What is the point of being there if you are unable to express a relevant and important opinion because someone is "so nice"?

And surely you could do it without telling her she can't talk about her own life? Perhaps by suggesting she makes sure to contrast her experience in that country with the vast majority and focus on the changes that need to happen so all women can have her sort of life?

I don't think you are wrong to move on if the whole tenor of the group has become more lightweight than you want but it seems like you are reaping what you sow. If the members who are a bit more clued up stay silent, isn't it pretty much inevitable that the lightweight ones will take over?

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/02/2021 23:17

Sorry, spent too long writing that and cross posted with your last. If you've been speaking up but find it's just too much work, then leaving is better than wasting your time being annoyed with them.

Original poster
Rae34 · 18/02/2021 23:25

@BoomBoomsCousin I think the problem here is that I am, overall, more clued up than the person in charge. The person in charge has already said it is ok for this woman to cover this topic and also allocated my topic of expertise to another.

This would be yet another instance of me questioning her decisions. I did consider suggesting a contrast - I still might - but I think as a much younger woman than this lady i feel terrible, like I'm saying i know better. She is a nice woman but not very clued up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rae34 · 18/02/2021 23:26

We did something really great this year for womens rights. Something that has even been in the news!

We did that together. I wonder if I should make my excuses for this one and join the next which will have a more focused topic for everyone anyway.

OP posts:
EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 18/02/2021 23:32

It can't be much of a feminist group if you feel unable to speak up and say, 'That's not a great idea.'

It can't be much of a feminist group if you refer to the other members as ladies rather than women.

horridhorrid · 18/02/2021 23:52

Casually send a text saying that due to personal reasons you have decided to step down with immediate effect, and you wish them all the very best in their endeavours.

The above is pretty much what I emailed to the chair of a committee I was on until about 10 days ago. The sense of freedom and relief I feel is tremendous.

Just do it.

Dalyesque · 19/02/2021 01:17

I would use it as an opportunity to raise questions about the issues at stake and others will also make a good discussion out of whatever is presented. Eg a book club when you hate the book or haven’t read it but can talk about women's concerns anyway. On reflection it might just be a webinar these days so that would be difficult. Women are at different stages and need encouragement to speak at all. However maybe your knowledge and talents would be better used elsewhere..

SleepingStandingUp · 19/02/2021 01:21

Just speak up.

Hey Sandra, I see Mandy had been given Women Working in Engineering even though she's a librarian and I've got why girl cats rok. I just wondered if there had been a mix up as I'm head Engineer for Worldwide Engineers Ltd.

Hey Ali it's great you're talking about the opportunities you got given in your home country, it will be really interesting to see the comparison with girls growing up in less affluent homes

Etc.

BoomBoomsCousin · 19/02/2021 01:22

[quote Rae34]@BoomBoomsCousin I think the problem here is that I am, overall, more clued up than the person in charge. The person in charge has already said it is ok for this woman to cover this topic and also allocated my topic of expertise to another.

This would be yet another instance of me questioning her decisions. I did consider suggesting a contrast - I still might - but I think as a much younger woman than this lady i feel terrible, like I'm saying i know better. She is a nice woman but not very clued up.[/quote]
You are saying you know better. You do know better. You just have to say in such a way that she likes the idea of the clued up approach!

Is the person-in-charge a bit threatened by you and so trying to sideline you a bit? Would you be interested in trying to mentor her so that she was a bit more clued up herself and could start making the suggestions that you keep seeing a need for? Might she accept that sort of private input?

Of course you don't have to, you aren't obliged to keep putting yourself out for the group. But if you are still interested in having an impact (and assuming there isn't another, better group you could just go to instead) it might a way to do that.

Sapho47 · 19/02/2021 01:27

Which country?

abstractprojection · 19/02/2021 01:33

Part of being part of a group is disagreeing just how you do it.

The woman who wants to speak about opportunities in a country with poor human rights records - suggest that it’s important to ensure its balanced against the human rights record of that country and considers intersectionality (not everyone getting the same opportunities)

The topic being allocated to someone else - ask the person in charge what they think your topic should be considering that your area of expertise has already been allocated

In general it is hard though, particularly when others can seem unprofessional or even embarrassing.

HelenUrth · 19/02/2021 01:33

Please speak up. How would you feel if the group got publicity showing them as being clueless, knowing you could possibly have said something that may have made a difference?

Sounds like boss lady isn't going to educate herself sadly, so it's going to need someone like you to step up and hopefully she will see that putting the wrong people forward would do more harm than good.

I dont envy you but hope you will speak up and wish you good luck OP.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 19/02/2021 01:55

You know you are being dramatic.

Palavah · 19/02/2021 02:14

I don't understand why you don't use your words?

For 1) - great to have Flossie sharing her personal experiences. How do we handle the context of

Sapho47 · 19/02/2021 04:13

[quote Palavah]I don't understand why you don't use your words?

For 1) - great to have Flossie sharing her personal experiences. How do we handle the context of