To expect us to celebrate our baby’s first birthday together?

[Shoesmcgee]

So i found out just days before I gave birth that my boyfriend was cheating on me. When our baby was born we just said we would focus on our son, we tried a few months later to make it work but I found out he was still in contact with the girl. We’ve had a very very bumpy road in terms of us getting along, sometimes he really crosses boundaries and gets jealous but now for the most part. We get along. We talk every day, only about our baby. We can maybe laugh and joke for the most part.

He just recently asked me what plans I had for our daughters birthday, I said obviously none due to the pandemic. Just a cake and some balloons etc. He said well at his house (he now lives with all of his family) they are having a big party for the baby. He asked me if I could drop her off for the party, no mention of coming to their house for the party. Am I being unreasonable to expect us to at least do this milestone together? Being a single parent was the last thing I wanted do. I know us being together means some things just don’t happen but I feel like if we get enough we should be able to be around each other for the sake of our daughter

Do something really nice with her for her actual birthday. He can do this party on his set days. Don’t ever drop her off to his - if he wants her on his time he must collect. Set your boundaries otherwise he will keep taking advantage

Aww love. I think you are perfectly reasonable to expect these thinks. In fact it’s lovely. I wish my OHs ex wife was so open. It’s not about the 2 of you it’s about your baba x

I mean boundaries in like when he’s here at my house he’ll call me sexy. Or he asks me what I was doing valentines, or he will make jealous comments.
I try not to make a big deal of it but it just okay in my head that he still has feelings. Obviously not enough otherwise we wouldn’t be in this situation. I wouldn’t change our baby for the world but I wish I never had a baby with him.

I’ve ordered some balloons and decorations for my house. I know it will be lovely regardless. I know I shouldn’t drop her off to him but it’s quite some distance away and I thought it would be better to keep things cordial

Have your own party.
He is treating you like the dog in the manger - doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you. Hence the teasing comments to keep you interested.

Definition
a person who has no need of, or ability to use, a possession that would be of use or value to others, but who prevents others from having it.

It’s not unusual to have separate events. Most split couples split the time on birthdays and Christmas so that both parents have the chance to celebrate with the child. Where is not amicable and contact is decided by the courts, they will grant every other Christmas and birthday as they recognise the childs need to spend special occasions with both.

You aren’t together so I wouldn’t expect to be invited to a gathering on his side. Easier to have boundaries from the start so the children have a safe and secure relationship with both. Muddying the waters just makes it harder going forward.

How dare he get jealous when he was the cheater. But that is often the case

It’s not enough comments that I can say something. I know he will just brush it off and say maybe it’s not a big deal but it is to me when we’re establishing our new relationship as co parents.

He always makes some little comments like about who I’m texting or he would stalk my social media and then call me to find out what I’m doing. I told him to stop doing that and he did, but now sometimes it’s just sly little digs. Just to keep me hanging on, I don’t even know if he knows he’s doing it but honestly I feel like I’m going mad.

Between wanting us to be friendly for our daughter or cutting him off so he learns that he can’t just hold me here until he’s ready. I think it’s all a bit much too soon

You aren’t a family. You are two separate families. He is a family with his daughter and whoever else he chooses to involve. You are a family with your daughter and whoever else you choose to involve. Being pleasant and kind to one another is great but I wouldn’t expect you to be having family days out all together - I know some split couples do but it’s the very small minority. Having 2 birthdays and 2 Xmases is the norm for my daughter and she loves it. You need to disconnect and stop involving your ex in your family.

Oh god, just read the sexy and Valentines stuff! You exchange the kid at the door and don’t go in one another’s houses. If he makes personal comments you either just ignore them or say “that is not an appropriate comment” repeatedly until he gets the idea. Block him from your social media if he can’t respect your privacy. The guys bring a jerk, don’t let him treat you badly!

I think OP knows they are two separate families she doesn’t need reminders. However the guy is in the wrong he is still getting into her head and placing doubts. I also think it’s perfectly normal to want a birthday party for a 1st birthday to be joint. It’s a special occasion for parents. Doesn’t mean she wants happy families but i agree it should be civil and friendly.

I think that's up to him really. He's not unreasonable to sort his own arrangements out, just as you wouldn't be unreasonable to do what you want (obvs Covid puts restrictions in place).

Tbh 1st birthdays are more about the guests than the baby. The baby won't know what's going on in the slightest.

I'd try to enjoy the day resting and catching up on some good TV. Let them do what they want. It'll be easier all round for birthdays to be seperate I'd imagine, especially when you both meet other partners etc.