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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect us to celebrate our baby’s first birthday together?

36 replies

Shoesmcgee · 18/02/2021 11:58

So i found out just days before I gave birth that my boyfriend was cheating on me. When our baby was born we just said we would focus on our son, we tried a few months later to make it work but I found out he was still in contact with the girl. We’ve had a very very bumpy road in terms of us getting along, sometimes he really crosses boundaries and gets jealous but now for the most part. We get along. We talk every day, only about our baby. We can maybe laugh and joke for the most part.

He just recently asked me what plans I had for our daughters birthday, I said obviously none due to the pandemic. Just a cake and some balloons etc. He said well at his house (he now lives with all of his family) they are having a big party for the baby. He asked me if I could drop her off for the party, no mention of coming to their house for the party. Am I being unreasonable to expect us to at least do this milestone together? Being a single parent was the last thing I wanted do. I know us being together means some things just don’t happen but I feel like if we get enough we should be able to be around each other for the sake of our daughter

OP posts:

BlueTimes · 18/02/2021 12:00

I’m really sorry it has turned out this way but YABU to expect to do milestones together. It’s really nice if you can and definitely so much better for your child to be amicable, but he has made it clear that this is his party for his child and he doesn’t want to share or have you involved.

Sadly this is often the reality of being a single parent.

Yesmate · 18/02/2021 12:00

You can be around each other and get on for the sake of the baby but do you really want to go to party for a baby (who doesn’t know it’s tier birthday) and be surrounded by his whole family?

Original poster

Shoesmcgee · 18/02/2021 12:03

I suppose I don’t really want to hang out with his whole family. I just feel like I’m missing out. Sometimes he acts like we’re a family and he loves me so much. And we have little family days together and then other times he acts like it’s just him and our daughter.

OP posts:

AlwaysCheddar · 18/02/2021 12:05

Time to start setting boundaries.

ghostyslovesheets · 18/02/2021 12:05

I'm confused - how many kids?

luxxlisbon · 18/02/2021 12:06

It doesn't sound like you are together, more-so just co parent together?

Yes, honestly it is a bit weird and unreasonable to expect to play happy family for birthdays and other milestones when you aren't actually together and in a relationship.

Thedarknightsarelifting · 18/02/2021 12:07

You need to disconnect from him. You are not in a relationship, he does not love you or treat you well.

Get along for your daughters sake but form your own support bubble. Celebrate with them x

Thedarknightsarelifting · 18/02/2021 12:07

You need to disconnect from him. You are not in a relationship, he does not love you or treat you well.

Get along for your daughters sake but form your own support bubble. Celebrate with them x

Original poster

Shoesmcgee · 18/02/2021 12:07

Yeah we’re not together anymore. Just one little girl. Maybe I’m expecting too much. I just feel left out, just dropping her off and going home alone while they have a party. He was here for Christmas and wanted to have a nice day together

OP posts:

Playnoh · 18/02/2021 12:08

It sounds like you want him back.

zzzebra · 18/02/2021 12:10

YANBU

Especially if you've said that you have no plans for her birthday because of Covid. I imagine feeling like you're not attending your child's first birthday party is a pretty awful feeling.

Are you bubbled with anyone who you could do your own little party with?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 18/02/2021 12:10

You've mentioned both a son and a daughter in your OP.

Original poster

Shoesmcgee · 18/02/2021 12:10

I don’t think I even want him back? I’m just so angry at him, I’m still hurt. Even now he pushes the boundaries of our co parenting relationship. I just find it hard to let go of my hopes for being a parent with him.

OP posts:

Yesmate · 18/02/2021 12:10

It’s also confusing as the children get older to spend Christmas etc together. What about when you get new partners? This is the first birthday, always hardest the first time but you can do nice things every year with your family.

Original poster

Shoesmcgee · 18/02/2021 12:10

Oh sorry sure why I wrote son. Just our daughter. Sorry about that

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2021 12:14

@Shoesmcgee

Start setting formal visitation.

It's normal for both parents to see the child on their birthday but you could do something really special just the two of you first (bear in mind your DD won't have a clue what's going on!)

But is your Ex inviting people from outside the household? That's what I might be objecting to

Original poster

Shoesmcgee · 18/02/2021 12:17

No I drop her off to his house so he can see her. Or he comes to get her. He lives with his whole family. He’s not going to be inviting anyone here

OP posts:

Beseigedbykillersquirrels · 18/02/2021 12:21

From the other perspective, my friend and her partner split up and she organised and paid for a soft play party for their child's birthday. Her ex wouldn't pay anything towards it or anything but then told all of his family they were welcome, which they weren't. They followed the child around with a camera stuck in their face, wanted lots of photos with them at the party to put on Facebook with the cake, etc, tried to do a big presentation of presents, it was actually embarrassing watching them. My friend was, quite rightly I think, pissed off that they tried to take over this party she'd organised everything for, monopolising the birthday child when they wanted to play with their friends, etc. She felt quite strongly that they should and could have arranged their own party for the child.
It's shit bit I think you have to come to terms with doing things separately, because you are separated. Your daughter doesn't know what a birthday is, will probably be overwhelmed at everybody making a big fuss of her, all the balloons and decorations or whatever and actually I don't think birthday parties are all that enjoyable for one year olds.
It's great that you and your ex have maintained a civil relationship for your daughter but ultimately, you do what you want when she's with you and he does what he wants when she's with him. You can't expect him to not do nice things with her when you're not there, just as he can't expect you not to when she's with you.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2021 12:24

Stop with the cosy family days out, he’s your ex, you’re not a family. It’s just confusing matters for you.

DDiva · 18/02/2021 12:25

@Shoesmcgee

Its not her first birthday party it's their party for her. You can have your own party with your family.

It doesn't sound like you've come to.terms with the separation. I think you need to make some boundaries otherwise she could find this 'family time' very confusing.

BebesChamber · 18/02/2021 12:29

@Shoxfordian

Stop with the cosy family days out, he’s your ex, you’re not a family. It’s just confusing matters for you.

I second this. You need to start seeing him as a co-parent, not your partner any more. I don't think you want him back, I think it's just hard to set boundaries as everything is so new and unfamiliar.

Original poster

Shoesmcgee · 18/02/2021 12:30

Maybe I am confusing the boundaries. I suppose I’m just hoping we would be a family. But at the same time I can’t even stand him sometimes?

He just sometimes makes these jealous comments or is flirty and it makes me think that he still has feelings? I’m a ve try black and white person so he just messes with my head

OP posts:

Ohdoleavemealone · 18/02/2021 12:48

Do you have family you could have a party with?

Original poster

Shoesmcgee · 18/02/2021 12:52

I do have my friend who could come over and spend the day with us

OP posts:

BlueTimes · 18/02/2021 13:03

@Shoesmcgee

It doesn’t come across as if he does push the boundaries. It comes across that you don’t have boundaries in place. There is a difference.

Take this as a harsh reminder that you are not a happy family and remember that in the future. Don’t let him play with your feelings and emotions as it will result in you being hurt.

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