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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cry over a photo

73 replies

grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 15:44

I thought dh was taking a photo of me. He never does. Ever. so I thought "oh he wants to remember this, how nice"
I just saw the photo.
It was a joke of him sticking his middle finger up at me. I cried.

aibu?
he is a good guy really but this really hurt my feelings.

All of my photos are of him and the kids.
All of his photos are of the kids or his hobby.
Just feel like I like him more than he likes me- like we are a doomed teen romance. I feel like im chasing him if that makes sense? We've been together for nearly a decade with children. I can't even talk to him now I'm so upset. And I feel ridiculous. Also quite hurt.

Might just be the lickdown blues though Confused

OP posts:
katy1213 · 17/02/2021 18:01

@sweeneytoddsrazor Exactly this. We used to have a couple of posed holiday photos and that was it - and that wasn't every year. i went unphotographed for great swathes of my childhood. I still have memories. Maybe sharper memories because my parents weren't glued to a phone.

grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 19:16

@leavethebastardx

OP, you really need to gain some confidence. Look at how you’re describing yourself. I’m sure if he wasn’t happy with you, he would have left by now.

Maybe take some time to invest in yourself and how you make yourself feel. Don’t rely on others to make you feel how you want.

surely your lived ones should make you feel loved

anyway I asked him and he doesn't give a shit about the photos and put the phone down.
couldn't explain why he has more photos of Fred at work than he does of me

OP posts:
grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 19:19

woops
loved ones

OP posts:
Derbee · 17/02/2021 19:51

surely your lived ones should make you feel loved

@grannyinapram you need to feel good about yourself and love yourself, without the need for any one to validate you. It’s a lovely bonus to have other people love you, but you are much easier to love when you also love yourself.

RosesRoundtheDoor8 · 17/02/2021 19:54

@Titsinknicks

Op I'd talk to him. 'I know this might initially sound silly but I got really upset when you made the joke... it's because I feel like x y and z. It would be really nice if you could do x y and z. It would make me feel so much better. What do you think?'

Hopefully he will take on board what you say and reassure you. Men are not mind-readers though and often need to be told explicitly what they have to do. So tell him. He probably doesn't realise op.

Yes, I would tell him. He needs to know how you feel, he probably being inconsiderate and a prat because he thinks it is funny and has no idea how hurtful it can be.
LivingoffCoffee · 17/02/2021 20:06

Unfortunately it seems pretty common that dads/husbands are really bad at taking photos of mum & kids. They just don't naturally think about it and need prompting. It's annoying, but not the end of the world.

However OP, it's is absolutely not normal for your DH to take a photo of him giving you the middle finger. It's not normal for him to dismiss you trying to tell him it made you upset. It's not normal or okay for him to make you feel unloved.

he is a good guy really
No. He is not.

ArtemisBean · 17/02/2021 20:15

I genuinely don't see how taking a photo of you with his finger stuck up could possibly be seen as amusing by anyone. On what possible level can that be construed as a 'joke'? It has no comedic effect whatsoever. It's just pointless and stupid. Which says much the same about him, particularly if he saw you were upset about it and said nothing.

PlinkPlink · 17/02/2021 22:34

@Bluntness100 It's funny because you've jumped that far from so little information.

10 years! 10 years they've been together and you feel that, from that very brief post, their relationship isn't working. Ju a tad over the top.

Yes, they need to talk.
Yes, she needs to feel valued and loved.
Yes, it was a bit of a dickish thing to do. However, she could just talk to him about it. Seems like OP has anyway and seems like he's had a bit of a dickish response...

OP, has he apologised for making you feel that way?

Titsinknicks · 17/02/2021 23:04

This is your HUSBAND. father of your children. Talk to him. Say how you feel as per my previous post. Don't let dickhead LTB posters rule this out as him being a cunt. He probably has no idea how you feel. Talk to him. You're not being silly, he's not being a complete twat, only a minor one.
Tell him how you feel.
If you can't be honest with him about your feelings that's a bigger problem than his momentary sense of humour failure

PhatPhanny · 17/02/2021 23:57

You sound so broken

BilboBercow · 18/02/2021 10:53

OP he really sounds like a dickhead.

grannyinapram · 18/02/2021 11:04

Feel a bit better now. He apologised and we made up. He's not going to take any more photos than he already does though Blush Angry

OP posts:
Santatizer · 18/02/2021 11:14

Talk to him. It's not really about the photo (honestly I think all men are like this - my DP never takes photos of me either and I've whinged about it a bit before. I just think they don't see it the same way) it's about how you're feeling about yourself and how he sees you now. You need some reassurance from him so just talk to him and let him know you feel like he doesn't find you attractive anymore and it's really getting you down. If he's decent (and you say he is) he will provide you with the love, affection and reassurance you're looking for. I would bet he doesn't realise you feel this way and that what, to him, was a silly joke, to you has reinforced the way you're feeling about yourself. I doubt those thoughts and feelings have even crossed his mind - talk to him.

Lookingoutside · 18/02/2021 11:54

There’s always a fucking hobby with this type, isn’t there?

OP does he know you don’t feel loved?

Lookingoutside · 18/02/2021 12:01

Apologies OP. That wasn’t constructive or helpful.

I also find the way you describe yourself concerning. You sound very unhappy and it seems that his behaviour towards you is the cause.

He actually stated that he still wouldn’t be taking any photos of you specifically?

aintnothinbutagstring · 18/02/2021 12:16

Wait until your kids have phones OP, my dd is always doing selfies of the two of us together Grin Though it's a long time to wait. Sorry about the problems with your DH. I think the previous suggestion of booking a photographer to take pics of you and the kids is a nice idea, stick them on your wall and feel proud Flowers

5128gap · 18/02/2021 13:13

OP, I think you need to make him understand it's about more than photos.
I'm willing to bet he thinks you're just upset about this one joke. He probably doesn't understand why, but accepts it and apologised to get things back to normal. He may start taking photos of you if he remembers, but only because he thinks this is a thing for you. Nothing will have really changed.
You're upset because you think he could do better than you, and that he will realise this if he hasn't already. This is a big deal for your confidence and relationship, and you need reassurance about that.
Otherwise you will just get upset again next time he does something you feel is dismissive of you, which he will, as he doesn't know how much of your self esteem is tied up in it.

Sceptre86 · 18/02/2021 13:25

I think you should have explained why you were hurt. I would then start working on yourself, having 3 kids isn't a reason or a good enough one not to take care of yourself. If he has a hobby he likes to indulge in why can't you get your hair cut? Putting makeup on or not is totally your choice, I don't if I am just at home but if I am going out I make more effort. My dh does notice as do my kids but the main thing is I notice and feel the better for it. You don't feel great about yourself and let him get away with making you feel worse.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 18/02/2021 13:29

@katy1213

Massive lockdown over-reaction. Even if he did take photos - would you ever bother looking at them? He lives with you - he doesn't need a photo of you!
That's what the ex used to say. Used to encourage DD to run away from photos because it was 'controlling and weird'. Never took a photo of me but that was because he despised me

I pointed out that if his daughter were abducted at some point in the future, if he had his way, the world would think they were looking for a 9 year old in dark brown pigtails, not a 5'9" young woman with blonde hair and a flower tattoo on her left hip.

And, frankly, people die. It's nice to have photos of people that don't 'live' with you anymore.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 18/02/2021 13:36

OP firstly ,not a kick at all because I get it , but don't rely on your loved ones to boost you solely , they are flawed human beings themselves and even the best of them will slip. You have to look at your own self esteem and it's got bugger all to do with you not being pretty enough. Love is loving someone and finding them loveable when they look the worst possible.

I actually understand in retrospect. I had never really noticed or cared that exdh never had photos of me. He had them of DC but never me. To be honest I just didn't think of it for years.

Time goes on , marriage fails.
More time elapsed and I get into a relationship with DP.

Who after a while I noticed had kept a random photo of me that had fallen put of a box while we were moving , it's one of me from years ago , well before him. It sat on his bedside table.

Then I noticed a rare one of us I took at dinner had been printed out and put with it.

Then finally I chucked some socks I his overnight bag as he was due off to travel for work and found a copy of our picture in his bag. I asked him and he takes it with him when he travels and puts it in his hotel room and it hit me. I had never noticed with exdh that he never cared about having a picture of me but DP did.

So I understand completely what it means to you. It's not unreasonable for it to hurt a bit. The absence of photos didn't hurt me with exdh but it is a sweet thing with DP.

Having said all of that , your wording about yourself is heartbreaking. You don't have to "look pretty" to be beautiful. It's not about being perfect it's about the person sat there in front of you and just being them. Easier said than done at baby stage but if you can try to remember you are amazing , you just produced an actual human being! Surely that is more beautiful than lipstick or hair curled. For a moment screw what he thinks of you , try and increase what you think of you.

rainbowstardrops · 18/02/2021 14:33

Why on earth did he put his middle finger up on a photo of you???? What was his meaning?
I can totally see why you're upset because he's a dickhead!

grannyinapram · 18/02/2021 20:37

@Shinyletsbebadguys
this is a lovely story about the photos.
I may just send it to dh as a hint Grin
I'm so glad you found a man who keeps your photo Halo

OP posts:
Showers3 · 18/02/2021 20:49

Give him this thread to read - tell him you can’t find the words but this explains how you feel.

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