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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cry over a photo

73 replies

grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 15:44

I thought dh was taking a photo of me. He never does. Ever. so I thought "oh he wants to remember this, how nice"
I just saw the photo.
It was a joke of him sticking his middle finger up at me. I cried.

aibu?
he is a good guy really but this really hurt my feelings.

All of my photos are of him and the kids.
All of his photos are of the kids or his hobby.
Just feel like I like him more than he likes me- like we are a doomed teen romance. I feel like im chasing him if that makes sense? We've been together for nearly a decade with children. I can't even talk to him now I'm so upset. And I feel ridiculous. Also quite hurt.

Might just be the lickdown blues though Confused

OP posts:
Backtobacktheyfacedeachother · 17/02/2021 16:32

DH never thinks to take photos. All the pics of young DC are with him, because I took them. I got upset on holiday one year, I said “looking back through our photos through the years it’s like I don’t exist, it would be nice if you took a picture of me & DC occasionally, I shouldn’t have to ask”.
The photo was shit but if he had taken one sticking his finger up at me I’d feel very disrespected. Jokes are supposed to be funny.

1forAll74 · 17/02/2021 16:32

I would guess it was just a bit jokey, and nothing to cry about at all. !

Original poster
grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 16:33

no he doesn't know
its clearly my own issues around feeling like a mom rather than a model. Would just be nice to feel wanted

OP posts:
ParadiseIsland · 17/02/2021 16:34

@grannyinapram

it was just a joke
I wouldn’t see that as a joke.

If he was taking photos of you otherwise, then yes.
But no interest in having photos of you unless it’s about making fun of you. Nope. Not a joke

Original poster
grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 16:35

Its just a joke, the kind of thing he'd do with his mates. banter. lads. that kind if thing.
It wasn't the joke it was the expectation.
I look like a pig aswell.
its my own insecurity that made me cry. I don't want to be an ugly mess Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 16:36

@1forAll74

I would guess it was just a bit jokey, and nothing to cry about at all. !
I agree, just a joke and nothing to cry about! I can't believe it. we send silly things to each other all the time, like memes or stupid videos. Definitely me being silly. I'm still sad though!
OP posts:
Dearymesheila · 17/02/2021 16:40

Oh I had a massive fall out on holiday with my ex because of this. Like you all the holiday photos were of him and the kids it was like I wasn’t there! So I asked him to take a pic of me and the kids and he just stood there ‘taking pictures’ only he wasn’t and when I starting moving and asking ‘have you taken it’ he started snapping away so the pictures looked weird and I looked horrible.

He thought it was hilarious. I didn’t and fell out with him for about two days. But as you know OP it’s not just about taking a picture. You’ve got other issues that need sorting Flowers

Stovetopespresso · 17/02/2021 16:56

op I am so sorry to hear you feel like this, honestly don't put yourself down like that ( I dont want to quote what you said about yourself - i'm sure its not true and it sounds like you're spiralling)

you need reassurance from him that he wants you in photos!

Derbee · 17/02/2021 16:59

@grannyinapram

it was just a joke
The problem here OP is that very few people can take a joke, and the majority of women will say he’s nasty, abusive and quests why you are in a relationship with him. Probably not helpful.

The reason you’re upset is that in the context of how you are currently feeling about your relationship, a thing that many could just laugh about is absolutely NOT funny to you at the moment. That’s completely understandable. But you need to talk to him, because issues don’t get relatives without conversations and openness.

Pluas · 17/02/2021 17:04

The problem here OP is that very few people can take a joke

Maybe because for a joke to be funny all involved need to be laughing, not crying like the OP is? Hmm

Original poster
grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 17:17

I relate to this, I would have laughed a few years ago. now I just feel flat

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 17/02/2021 17:21

Jokes are supposed to be funny not cruel

Original poster
grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 17:22

I just feel very embarrassed and he's seen me give birth, throw up, diarrhoea... the works and I've never been embarrassed infront of him and now I feel very embarrassed.

We met when we were teens so grew up together. He has gotten better looking, muscular and just more manly, whereas I've got stretchmarks, floppy boobs, my hair hasn't been cut in years and I don't wear makeup anymore (practicality with fingers poking eyes and the rest)
he's now well out of my league and that middle finger may as well have been a 'fuck you' to our whole relationship, thats what it feels like.

i actually thought 'he must think I look nice' but he actually was making a joke. it feels like a cruel trick but he doesn't even know.

OP posts:
Original poster
grannyinapram · 17/02/2021 17:23

been a couple of hours and I'm still upset

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 17/02/2021 17:25

I read somewhere a while back that you can tell what a man lives by looking at his photos. Sorry.

OhioOhioOhio · 17/02/2021 17:25

It spike volumes to me. My xh just had loads of pictures of, well, everything but me.

roastpotatoesss · 17/02/2021 17:27

OP, you admit this upset you and many people on here have told you it's not unreasonable. However you seem reluctant to actually call it out for what it is- pretty shitty behaviour from him. That said, I don't think the photo in isolation is the issue here.

You say you don't know how to tell your husband- the man you have had a family with, who is supposed to love you!- that he's upset you, and that you'd feel silly doing so. That is a bigger issue than the photo.

Whether it was intended a joke or not is irrelevant if it upset you, if I made my partner cry because a joke didn't land I'd be mortified and do everything I could do to make them feel better. If I thought they were afraid to tell me how they felt I'd be devastated. Please think about why you feel like you can't tell him how you feel.

5128gap · 17/02/2021 17:28

If it's the sort if thing you would once have laughed at, he's not being cruel. He doesn't know what you were thinking and that you're not in the right place for this sort if joke at the moment.
This is only important in that it highlights the real issues; you feel bad about yourself, and you don't feel he gives you enough romantic attention.
You need to speak to him about that really, not make it about the photograph, which is a bit of a red herring, and will just have him telling you it was a joke and not understanding what the issue really is.

Fiona2020 · 17/02/2021 17:41

Surely it’s just banter?! My Oh would probably do the same thing and I’d call him a knob and laugh !

PlinkPlink · 17/02/2021 17:43

@Bluntness100 what?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It doesn't sound like this relationship works? 🤣🤣 she's only mentioned some photos 🤣🤣

You're mad 🤣🤣

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2021 17:47

[quote PlinkPlink]@Bluntness100 what?? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It doesn't sound like this relationship works? 🤣🤣 she's only mentioned some photos 🤣🤣

You're mad 🤣🤣[/quote]
Why’s that funny? She mentioned much more than a photo, she says basically she feels like she’s chasing him, like it’s a doomed romance, that she doesn’t match up. He’s not giving her reassurance or attention, and she’s hurt,

But you laugh it up. Hmm

Op, I’m sorry you feel this way, as said, you need to tell him how you feel. If you’re not happy in the relationship why do you stay?

parietal · 17/02/2021 17:54

it sounds to me like

  • you aren't feeling loved & appreciated
  • you use photos to mark things you love
Therefore, you see the lack of photos as a sign of lack of love.

but he might not think of photos in that way - I never did until I read your post. I use photos for things I might want to share (pics of kids to send to grandparents) or remember (dull practical things like the shopping list). I don't think I've specifically taken a photo of DH in years.

Focus on telling him that you need to feel loved and think about what he needs to do (or what you can both do together) to make that work. it might not be photos. But you can certainly tell him that you need a bit more support and appreciation.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/02/2021 17:54

I have loads of photos on my phone, most are of the kids, the dog, the cats, scenic ones not one is of my DP.
My mum has plenty of the staged holiday photos because when I was younger we didn't have mobiles we had actual cameras that you had to buy a film for, faff about putting the film in, then faff about getting it on the right setting and so on. But despite the lack of spontaneous photos I have plenty of fond memories of times we spent doing things. In this case your DH was just being daft, doing something a bit silly, not something designed to hurt you or put you down.
Your children will remember all the good times you have without loads of pictures on your phone. And be kinder to yourself, often people are their own worst critics. if you really hate the way you look then you can do something to change that

katy1213 · 17/02/2021 17:55

Massive lockdown over-reaction. Even if he did take photos - would you ever bother looking at them? He lives with you - he doesn't need a photo of you!

leavethebastardx · 17/02/2021 18:00

OP, you really need to gain some confidence. Look at how you’re describing yourself. I’m sure if he wasn’t happy with you, he would have left by now.

Maybe take some time to invest in yourself and how you make yourself feel. Don’t rely on others to make you feel how you want.