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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel like this is the last straw?

35 replies

Foldinthecheese · 17/02/2021 13:35

I know my situation is no worse than anyone else’s and, in many ways, is a lot better. Please don’t tell me that I’m lucky if this is all I have to worry about. It isn’t, but it seems to be pushing me over the edge.

For various reasons covid-related, I am currently a SAHM. My DH has been working from home and I’ve been homeschooling our 5yo twins and looking after our toddler. Obviously, it’s a lot, but we’re doing okay. But now we’ve got rid of the 2yo’s dummy and I’m struggling to get her to nap. She needs to nap. She still doesn’t sleep through at night and it’s much worse if she doesn’t nap. Today she fell asleep in the car for five minutes and now I can’t get her to go down.

I need this time. It’s the only chance I have to get some cleaning done. I set the boys up with something and put my headphones in and it’s an hour of headspace and productivity. I can’t get much done when she is awake because she is into everything and she is also very loud, which doesn’t really work for my DH end his endless phone calls.

I am totally touched out and almost claustrophobic. I love these children so much, but someone always needs to be touching me or sitting on me or leaning against me. I have this very small life at the moment with basically nothing outside of my house apart from our exercise. I’m running out of ideas of ways to entertain the toddler and it’s so stressful trying to keep them all quiet and at least when she napped I had this little window of peace and now even that is gone.

I know I’m BU because it could all be much worse, but I feel so desperate for her to go down just so I can clean a bathroom without her shouting for me.

OP posts:
blueluce85 · 17/02/2021 13:37

Give the toddler the dummy!

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 17/02/2021 13:38

Medium term give her back the dummy. Get your dh to take her now for 20 mins or the next 20 work has available, put your headphones on set a timer and close your eyes for 20 mins. You can't pour from an empty cup.

biibbiibobby · 17/02/2021 13:39

Hire a cleaner? Clean in the evening?does your dh take a lunch break?? Maybe he could use that time to take her for a while and you could have half an hour down time OP??

VinylDetective · 17/02/2021 13:40

Give her back the dummy. Plenty of time to sort that out when life isn’t complete rubbish.

Rupertbeartrousers · 17/02/2021 13:40

I vote dummy for now... pick your battles

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 17/02/2021 13:41

Better yet put on an episode of schitts creek Grin Wink

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/02/2021 13:41

A lot of two year olds drop their naps, it’s not something you can force.

I just got used to getting up an hour before anyone else and cleaning then in peace and just vacuumed later in the day whilst on maternity and kept the habit once I returned to work and the rest DH and I whizz through together when home.

PinkSnowAndStars · 17/02/2021 13:41

Give the dummy back.

My little boy is 3 next month. We are both working full time, the world is rubbish. Try again in the summer!

Pollypocket21 · 17/02/2021 13:43

Hopefully schools will be back in 2 and a half weeks, drop the dummy then

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 17/02/2021 13:47

As the above poster said, you can't pour from an empty cup! Flowers

I think through the daytime focusing on homeschooling the 5yos and looking after a 2yo is enough, surely the housework can be split with your DH after his working hours.

As for having some time to yourself is it possible for him to "split" his lunch hour with you so he gets a half an hour break and you get a half an hour break?

Then when he finishes work it can be a case of divide and conquer in terms of the childcare and housework?

Topseyt · 17/02/2021 13:47

Why did you take the dummy away? Maybe that was a little premature.

I assume by toddler you mean a 2 or 3 year old and many children do still have dummies as comforters at that age. I would give it back if it will win you some peace for the short term.

Work on dropping the dummy slowly later on when things ease a bit. Toddler will be older then and more able to cope.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 17/02/2021 13:48

I hate dummies (in all but newborns needing to suck) but that dummy would be straight back in her chops if it meant she'd nap! I'd put one in her cot/bed and let her 'find it'

It's just not worth the non napping right now!

Is DH taking them ALL outside in the day? It would do him & then good. No matter what his job is, he can take a 30 min fresh air break

Is he doing bed/Bath time?

Feeling 'touched out' really isn't good for you. You need a break from it!

Floralnomad · 17/02/2021 13:53

I wouldn’t give back the dummy , I just wouldn’t clean the bathroom , will she watch the TV ?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/02/2021 13:53

Definitely give back the dummy for now. It’s not worth having this battle at this time.

I also agree that the housework should be split equally in this scenario - you’re already doing more than a full time job!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/02/2021 13:54

But yes there also needs to be a time when your DH isn’t working and he takes all three of them for periods of time.

Original poster
Foldinthecheese · 17/02/2021 13:56

DH’s job is very full on. Very occasionally he will take the boys and the dog out for a walk at lunch, but most of the time he has a sandwich and goes straight back to work. He stops around 5.30/6pm for dinner and then starts up again after bedtime until around 9/10pm. As a result, it really is down to me to get it all done, which I think is fair.

She has done so well with giving up the dummy. She turned two on Christmas Eve, but I’ve been having a real panic about her teeth. The first bedtime without it was hard, but she seems to have forgotten about it since then. I feel like I can’t give it back because it will only make it worse in the future, but am also annoyed with myself because my timing was so stupid.

I do need to clean in the evening. With broken nights and tedious days, I just feel worn out by the time everyone is asleep.

OP posts:
Catflapkitkat · 17/02/2021 13:57

I am a mum of twins. That is a tough age.

No one is going to tell you that with 5 he old twins, a toddler and DH working from home you are lucky. It must feel like a pressure cooker.

I understand that you want to get rid of the dummy. But can't you wait until the twins go back to school. It doesn't seems long now. A few weeks. Pick your battles. Let her nap, let the twins watch horrible histories on you tube. And surely your DH can hold her whilst you go to the loo or have a quick shower/bath.

Grab a notebook and make a list of things you plan to do when things get better. Small things are great because you can tick them off and it feels like an achievement. Some examples - List five books, five films you have been wanting to read/see. Look into trying something new - an exercise class, maybe an evening class once a week, a simple hobby (just taken up cross stitch - I am making tiny Christmas cards ones doing one month). My friend did an online caricature course. Get in contact with one person you have lost touch with by letter or email. I know it may sounds a bit eat pray love but the needy years are hard. Do little things to claim your life back.

It will get better, the schools will go back, your DH will go back to work, your toddler will grow and be in nursery soon enough. Be kind to yourself.

GreenLeafTurnip · 17/02/2021 13:59

Don't give back the dummy! I just recently got rid of it for our 2 year old as well because my sister that hers until she was nearly 4 and it fucked her jaw up.

Can you stick her infront of the TV for 20 minutes just to give yourself a break??

MagnoliaBeige · 17/02/2021 14:00

I’ll go against the grain and say don’t give her back the dummy. Can you give her your phone and some headphones, plug her in to watch Peppa Pig or whatever and clean around her? Or stick her in the bath while you clean the bathroom, give her a snack while you clean the kitchen etc.

It’s really tough, you’re at a tricky stage of having a toddler but it will get better, hang in there!

biibbiibobby · 17/02/2021 14:02

DH’s job is very full on. Very occasionally he will take the boys and the dog out for a walk at lunch, but most of the time he has a sandwich and goes straight back to work. He stops around 5.30/6pm for dinner and then starts up again after bedtime until around 9/10pm. As a result, it really is down to me to get it all done, which I think is fair.

That's where you are wrong OP!! unless he is being paid bloody mega money the.MN he is taking the piss!! If he is on mega money then you should hire a nanny to help out!! Full on my arse...more like he can't be arsed to take part in the family!!

NoSquirrels · 17/02/2021 14:09

Right, don't give back the dummy.

DH’s job is very full on. Very occasionally he will take the boys and the dog out for a walk at lunch, but most of the time he has a sandwich and goes straight back to work.

Yes, OK, full-on job and sole wage earner at the moment.

BUT - he works long hours and he actually NEEDS a break from his desk, and you NEED a guaranteed window of peace from the toddler.
Your DH can take the toddler out in the pushchair for 30 minutes every lunchtime if he blocks out 45 mins in his diary, and then take a sandwich back to his desk.

You have twins and a toddler and you are trying to do it all. He needs to help you for a limited amount of time every day, just in this transition period.

NoSquirrels · 17/02/2021 14:12

And you need to not take her out in the car unless it is first thing in the a.m., or you are prepared to let her have her long nap in the car. I know this is obvious, but at this stage it's a killer, I know - one of mine was like this, even 5 minutes and it would mean everything screwed. Sympathy. I also felt very touched out. I think your DH can help more, and you can take an hour or so when he finishes work to decompress. No reason he can't take over bathtime etc on his own while you go out for a walk with the dog, headphones in, alone.

Floralnomad · 17/02/2021 14:16

You do not need to clean in the evening , nobody is going to die because the house hasn’t been properly cleaned for a few days . Put the children to bed tonight , then tell your husband he needs to listen for them and go soak in a nice bath with a book / iPad .

Original poster
Foldinthecheese · 17/02/2021 14:17

She will watch TV, as long as it’s endless episodes of Duggee, so I’ll admit that it’s my guilt preventing that. They already have the TV on for a bit in the morning and then also while I’m making dinner, so I just worry about having it in the day as well. I’ll probably need to move past that just to stay on top of everything.

My DH is an incredibly involved father. He has bedtime blocked out on his calendar and he always tries to have dinner with us. The reality is that sometimes he has meetings at lunchtime and sometimes he just has a lot to do. If that work doesn’t get done in the day, it’s more to get done in the evenings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foldinthecheese · 17/02/2021 14:21

@NoSquirrels

And you need to not take her out in the car unless it is first thing in the a.m., or you are prepared to let her have her long nap in the car. I know this is obvious, but at this stage it's a killer, I know - one of mine was like this, even 5 minutes and it would mean everything screwed. Sympathy. I also felt very touched out. I think your DH can help more, and you can take an hour or so when he finishes work to decompress. No reason he can't take over bathtime etc on his own while you go out for a walk with the dog, headphones in, alone.
Very much agree that we can’t go out in the car in the mornings anymore! Yesterday we played in the garden and she did go for a nap afterwards with relatively little fuss. Lessons have been learned.
OP posts: