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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Job conflict

49 replies

WonderingIf38 · 17/02/2021 10:39

Where I work currently, it's a very small team and family owned. I have had some issues with management and staff stabbing me in the back. Basically, I thought everything was going ok-ish until I had my probation last month and they ripped shreds out of me and pretty much said they didn't know what I did. Just before Christmas I had a few massive breakdowns. I felt suicidal for about a month. Every point I brought up at the meeting was turned back around on me. I had felt that management wasn't supportive before this and let down by them, but I thought I was doing a decent job at least. I worked my arse off and often worked over my hours most nights. I felt broken at this. Despite this, I did/do really enjoy my job, especially the people I support through it.

About a week after my probation, my managers have done a complete 360 and can't praise me enough. I don't know why. If I bring up anything, they are full of support and if I'm struggling, they put in structures to support me. This was never done before. I really don't know what's changed but I really like having my work praised!

When I had my probation and got my report back (it was dire, really terrible), I applied for other jobs that very day and have been offered one. One that is rewarding, challenging and more money. Lots more money. Except now things are going well at work I'm really in two minds about this new job. The whole having to get to know new colleagues, the challenges of settling down in a new job etc are really getting to me and making me question if this new job is for me. My confidence was shattered at this place and I think it's that that's clouding my judgement. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
LadyDanburysHat · 17/02/2021 10:42

I think you need to take the new job. If you stay you will always wonder what is going on. If they are really happy or not with your work. Put this down to a bad experience, and have the confidence to move on. This company have chosen you because they think you are right for them. Have faith in your abilities, and don't let your current employers break you.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 17/02/2021 10:44

I’d jump ship. Take the new job.

KatherineJaneway · 17/02/2021 10:47

Take the new job. If they turned on you once, they could easily do it again.

unmarkedbythat · 17/02/2021 10:47

Take the new job, these people have already shown you what their management style is and in your shoes I would be permanently anxious that they were going to revert to 'rip me to shreds' again.

TaraR2020 · 17/02/2021 10:47

I'd leave - I wouldn't trust employers to stay nice.

Ijustknowitstimetogo · 17/02/2021 10:48

^

Hoppinggreen · 17/02/2021 10:48

Take the job!!

XelaM · 17/02/2021 10:48

Take the new job!! I had very similar concerns as you, but I changed jobs and am very happy

BaskingMad · 17/02/2021 10:48

My trust in current place would be utterly broken no matter what support structures they put in place. I’d be forever wondering when the next U-turn is going to happen.
Take the offer with more money and clean slate and run.

ScrapThatThen · 17/02/2021 10:52

Take the job, a new challenge is great for confidence even if scary. And you owe them nothing and can't rely on them.

saracorona · 17/02/2021 10:56

Run to the new job.

mrstea301 · 17/02/2021 10:57

Your situation sounds exactly like my previous job - small, family owned business etc. I thought it would be nice to work for a smaller business as I'd always worked for huge companies previously (insurance industry) but it was a nightmare. They completely destroyed my confidence, ripped my self esteem apart and it was just horrible. I was so stressed out all the time, and second guessed myself so much that I was making mistakes because I just didn't trust my own judgement anymore! Worked over my hours all the time and nothing was good enough, and cried more than once at home.

If you were ever on holiday, upon your return there was always a meeting to run through all the mistakes that had been discovered in your absence (and I'm talking about things like a missing full stop!). But what put the hat on it for me was when we had one of those meetings, then a week later, we literally had the exact same meeting but with the managing director sitting in. I was literally sitting saying "yes, we spoke about this last week" repeated over and over again. I feel like the team leader was using me to score points with the MD.

One of my colleagues had escaped and gave me a heads up on a new job and making the move was the best thing I did!! Never been happier and have flourished in my new role - now I'm training people to use the system that I was constantly being told I was useless at!!

And ironically, when I was leaving the old job, the team leader that had given me such a hard time was almost in tears saying goodbye to me!! I've honestly never been so shocked!!

ScrapThatThen · 17/02/2021 10:57

I wonder if what happened was that someone wanted to manage you out because of the recent mental health problems and any short term impact on your work, but then someone else pointed out that this was stupid because you are great at your job and bring value to the business and are cheap at the price they pay you and would have a legal claim

TheCrowening · 17/02/2021 10:57

I’d definitely take the new job. Your current employers are untrustworthy.

TheCrowening · 17/02/2021 10:59

I should add, I once left a job that broke me down. I was feeling then that I was shit and I couldn’t cope with a new job but once I’d started it was the best thing I could’ve done for my confidence and it literally turned everything round for me.

jackstini · 17/02/2021 11:00

Love a unanimous AIBU!

Definitely take the new job
Be more appreciated emotionally & financially

LittleOwl153 · 17/02/2021 11:06

I wonder if they got wind you had applied for other jobs and decided to attempt to keep you as they know you are doing a job they'd struggle without so are now playing the game to keep you. Once the new prospects have blown over and they think they have you then maybe it will revert to the appraisal mode!

I'd get out why you have the chance. If they are killing your confidence now what are you going to me like in a years time??

Dixiechickonhols · 17/02/2021 11:11

Take new job. No job is worth that stress. You’d be mad not to. It sounds like you are confusing job with friendship. Give notice. If they ask why say I applied for jobs after receiving probation report and new role is higher pay. You don’t owe them anything.

IEat · 17/02/2021 11:11

Just remember how you were made to feel like shit . I’d take the new job and move on. Being the newbie only lasts a little while.

Rivergreen · 17/02/2021 11:12

The fact that you are confused and had your confidence shattered to the point where you don't know whether you should leave is screaming out to me that you should leave and take the new job.

If a friend had a boyfriend that made her suicidal and then a month later she said to you "oh he's saying really lovely things to me now", would you be thinking that it was a good relationship for her to be in?! The same applies to this job, it's not a healthy place for you to be.

Inpeace · 17/02/2021 11:14

Hopefully the new job is not working for a family unit?
Hopefully you have some evidence now that current employer is actually happy with you?
Hopefully you have 2 years ish service in current role?

Regardless sounds like current employer likes you to take responsibility for the shit stuff.

I’d move on. Onwards and upwards :)

Gliblet · 17/02/2021 11:15

Go for it.

There should always be a 'no surprises' principle at work in any review situation. If you're not performing you should know about it and be receiving support and feedback to improve well before your probation or yearly review. If the culture where you work is to ambush you on review day then that's unlikely to be the only problem with their management competence.

RB68 · 17/02/2021 11:21

Go to the new job - an environment where you never know what they are going to say or how they are going to react and they don't manage issues when they arise but save them up to put you through the ringer - nahhh even good staff you work with is not worth putting up with that - I'd jump ship without a backward glance

AbsitivelyPosolutely · 17/02/2021 11:21

Fuck that shit.

Run to the new job without a backwards glance.

Wibblewobble99 · 17/02/2021 11:24

I’d leave too. Have you had anything I writing about your improved performance? An old place I worked at used to do this to encourage staff but never written down. It meant they would regularly bin people off before they’d worked there two years based on reviews. A paranoid point but I’d be concerned.