Just found out about hereditary condition

[Indianafrankie]

Will try to keep this as short as possible but I’m so confused as to how I should be feeling right now. Basically my ex - father of my two children got called for the covid vaccine this week, I couldn’t understand why as he’s in his late 30s and perfectly healthy. I asked him why and he said well it’s because of the illness I had as a child remember? To which I said yes but that was a one off and it was cured right? Apparently no, it’s a lifelong condition and can be hereditary! I’m feeling angry right now and I’m not sure I should be, he never told me this he told me it was a one off, I live in another country with my children and I feel like this is something I should have been aware of, am I unreasonable to feel like this? Thank you

It sounds like crossed wires.

He thought you knew and you think he should have explicitly told you.

I understand your feelings, but being angry isn't going to change anything, so maybe try and focus that anger into researching the condition so you understand it and can look out for potential signs in your children.

Sorry that you've just found out something so scary though, that has to be really difficult for you

But you were aware of it. You just didn't understand the implications and he assumed you did.

What's the illness he had?

What is the illness? Some genetic illnesses are recessive so unless you have it too, it's ok.

If you're in the UK, genetic counseling can help you know the risks etc and identify if your children have it, should you wish to know. If it is a recessive disease, your children would be wise to seek advice before having children themselves, in case their partner also has the recessive gene.

Why are you angry , you knew about the illness , it’s hardly his fault that you didn’t understand he probably thought you did .

No I didn’t, I knew he was in hospital for a few weeks as a child as his mother told me the story, he said it was cured and that was it.

Did you know what the condition was, or did you just know he'd been ill as a child?

What condition is it?

Just that he’d been ill

You need to know exactly what the condition is before worrying.
Some conditions like Cystic Fibrosis are very serious, but only a 1:4 chance of inheriting it.

You too may be a carrier of recessive illnesses that combined with someone else who is a carrier will stand a chance of affecting your children .

A friend and his Spanish partner have a child with an inherited condition..

It happens.

Consanguineous partnerships really bring these conditions to the fore as so many are recessive traits. ( Think back to basic biology lessons
RR Rr Rr and rr )

Chances are both of you carry the trait, you can’t blame one person.

It’s a condition to do with low platelets and blood clotting which suppresses the immune system, I don’t have this condition, I’m concerned that my children may have it and given covid at the moment I feel like I should have known that’s all. I’m not angry he has it of course I’m angry I wasn’t aware

Strange. I understand how people can misunderstand a conversation but this is a bit more serious so surely he knew it could be passed on to your children and would get them tested for it after they were born? I would say he was either trying to hide it in case you didn't want children with him or he was ignorant. I think you have a right to be angry.

So, speak to your GP to arrange some blood tests for your child.

My maternal grandmother had an auto immune disease, and all 5 of us grandchildren have something or other wrong, to varying levels of severity. When my son started having some worrying symptoms I went straight to the GP and they ran a blood screen to rule it out. So he definitely doesn't have what I have, but we'll have to wait and see if he gets anything in future. My sister got to her late 30s before her (minor) condition made itself known. My brother's was only picked up by chance whilst in hospital on an unrelated matter, in his 30s too. I've been noticably ill since my late teens, however.

the illness I had as a child is how you would describe a bout of measles, not a hereditary, incurable condition.
I dont think he's been honest with you.

You seem to not actually know what the condition is or the name of it and therefore you don’t know how it is inherited. Because that does make a difference to how it can be transmitted to future generations like your children. So maybe instead of getting angry ask some relevant questions first?

So what is the name of the illness then ?

@Thelnebriati

the illness I had as a child is how you would describe a bout of measles, not a hereditary, incurable condition. I dont think he's been honest with you.

I agree.

If he mentioned it and said he 'had it as a child,' especially if it's rare and not something you'd immediately think 'oh yes, I know what that is,' I think he was not being honest.

@Indianafrankie

It’s a condition to do with low platelets and blood clotting which suppresses the immune system, I don’t have this condition, I’m concerned that my children may have it and given covid at the moment I feel like I should have known that’s all. I’m not angry he has it of course I’m angry I wasn’t aware

Ask your ex for the exact name of the condition and then have a chat with your GP who will be able to ascertain whether there is any need to follow this up. With respect it’s pointless asking here, nobody can reassure you based on the information you have.

Wishing you well.

Hmm, I’m on the fence with this, what is your ex like usually?

I have a hereditary condition that is a relatively big deal - It will almost certainly shorten my life, but to be honest, I barely give it a second thought.

If I ever mention it to friends, they are always really shocked and saddened for me, but it s so much a part of me that i just never think about it in those terms.

It was only when the midwives mentioned hereditary conditions at my booking appointment that the implications for DC even crossed my mind.

If your ex is otherwise a decent sort, I’d be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'm guessing it's ITP - might be worth getting your DC a blood test to rule it out. Have you noticed them bruising easily?

Don't worry too much, even if they do have it it's unlikely to cause them many problems.

I don’t know why people are saying it’s not the ex’s fault OP didn’t realise. They are his children, his responsibility to their health doesn’t end with “well I thought you knew this might be a possibility from that vague conversation we had once”.

Is it sickle cell?

@Thelnebriati

the illness I had as a child is how you would describe a bout of measles, not a hereditary, incurable condition. I dont think he's been honest with you.

I thought the same as Thelnebriati.

I was diagnosed with a rare genetic disorder at 26. It is dominant so any child I have has a 50/50 chance of inheritance.

I had already been with my now DH for years by then but were I not I would be very clear with anyone I was in a committed relationship with that I have the condition.

When DH and I agreed we wanted children before we married I reminded him of my condition and what any children might need as a result.

My condition is not life limiting but it does restrict mobility at times and it means I have to pace myself and take some precautions others don't to protect myself. It also affects my care in the event of an operation, should I ever have one.

If known about a genetic disorder shouldn't be kept from the other parent of your children. He should have told you - if your child had become unwell you wouldn't have been able to tell the doctor information which could prove crucial.

I have an inherited bleeding disease. It does not cause me problems other than not able to take anti-inflammatories or aspirin, and I take care with sharp objects!