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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just found out about hereditary condition

52 replies

Indianafrankie · 17/02/2021 10:15

Will try to keep this as short as possible but I’m so confused as to how I should be feeling right now. Basically my ex - father of my two children got called for the covid vaccine this week, I couldn’t understand why as he’s in his late 30s and perfectly healthy. I asked him why and he said well it’s because of the illness I had as a child remember? To which I said yes but that was a one off and it was cured right? Apparently no, it’s a lifelong condition and can be hereditary! I’m feeling angry right now and I’m not sure I should be, he never told me this he told me it was a one off, I live in another country with my children and I feel like this is something I should have been aware of, am I unreasonable to feel like this? Thank you

OP posts:

Tal45 · 17/02/2021 14:37

My DH is a carrier for a recessive inheritable condition that eventually leaves you bed bound. I was tested but not a carrier so our children couldn't get it - but could be a carrier. I would be very upset/angry that your ex didn't think he needed to mention a hereditary condition before you had children.
Research it as much as you can, find out the risks and get them tested if needed. You can't do anything about him so concentrate on what's best for the kids x

gnashingsalt · 17/02/2021 14:49

Sickle cell?

lljkk · 17/02/2021 14:50

If it won't improve your relationship with Ex to be angry at him, I would let go of the anger.

Hhusky · 17/02/2021 16:26

I'm on the fence.
He told you he was ill and when his mum said nothing more than he was ill and got better, there was a golden opportunity to ask what the illness was.
However I'm not for one second condoning him not being more open with you. He should have made it more clear what it was.

Lotuu · 17/02/2021 17:11

Is it SCID? Which is treatable by a bone marrow transplant. Or something similar?
If it was then it’s most likely you would know if your child had inherited it by now.

CharlotteRose90 · 17/02/2021 17:37

Is it ITP because currently it’s not thought to be hereditary. It can run in families but it isn’t inherited and is just bad luck and most of the time you can live a full life with no problems from it. However you do need the name of the condition so you get the children tested .

CharlotteRose90 · 17/02/2021 17:42

Also I believe your ex is a twat. I got diagnosed with a rare blood disorder 3 years ago and while mine isn’t hereditary I was made aware that I can pass it over to future children. If his mum had it and so has he then he will know that possibly he could pass it over and that is wrong.

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 17/02/2021 19:16

Thanks everyone, I’m not sure of the name of it, he says he can’t remember so I asked him to call the doctors so they could tell him and he said they will call him back, so I will have to wait. When he said he was poorly as a child of course I asked with what but he said it was a one off and that was it, I’m just confused but will deal with it better once I know the exact name.

OP posts:

Givemeabreak88 · 17/02/2021 19:21

Sounds like you are over reacting if you don’t even know the name of it

minipie · 17/02/2021 19:22

I agree he’s not been honest, although perhaps like some posters he genuinely doesn’t give it a second thought so wasn’t intentionally hiding it.

Would you have done anything differently if you’d known? Not had kids with him? Had genetic screening via IVF? Is there any treatment your kids should have had if they have it? If not ... then it hasn’t made any difference in reality, although understand your feelings.

Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2021 19:23

How do people get to be adults and not know the name of significant illnesses they have?

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 17/02/2021 19:34

Ok, I’m on my own in another country with my children trying to keep them safe from covid, i then find out that my ex’s condition is serious enough that he’s been called for a covid vaccine this week as he is classed as vulnerable, it’s an immuno suppressant condition as I said well - Covid! I don’t think I’m over reacting

OP posts:

StrangerHereMyself · 17/02/2021 19:50

If you believe him that he literally doesn’t know what the name of the condition is then it does seem quite likely that he genuinely never joined the dots enough to work out that it might be an issue when he had children. Some people (especially but not exclusively men (NAM)) really are that clueless about their health, which becomes a real problem when it comes to children’s medical history .

Presumably not sickle cell though - surely nobody would be clueless enough not to remember such a well-known and easy to remember condition.

Givemeabreak88 · 17/02/2021 19:57

Well find out what it is then. I’m finding it bizarre you don’t even know what it is. Do you not have contact with any of his family? Ask them!

RaidersoftheLostAardvark · 17/02/2021 20:00

A condition can be genetic but not hereditary, or can have a partly genetic basis (ie a genetic factor puts up your risk but doesn't exclusively determine whether or not you get the disease), or be polygenic- so a combination of lots of genes is involved. Depending on the condition your scenario could be anything from your children's risk being slightly higher than background population (as would be the case if a parent had MS or Parkinson's) all the way through to a 50% risk of having a highly penetrant gene (which means that having the gene means you pretty much definitely get the disease). Basically you can't do anything without the name of the condition. I can understand you being upset but your ex may not have really understood his diagnosis- which seems likely if he can't even remember what it's called. There are lots of people who are 'vulnerable' but currently well- like people with well controlled asthma- the vaccine is aiming to keep them well. So being called for the vaccine doesn't mean he has a devastating illness.

Original poster

Indianafrankie · 17/02/2021 20:03

He never told me anything other than he was ill once and that was it they made him better, no I have no contact with his family. I will have to wait and see if the doctors call him back tomorrow that’s all I can do for now

OP posts:

GreenWillow · 17/02/2021 21:27

@CharlotteRose90

If something runs in families, it is inherited.

That’s what the term ‘inherited’ means.

MiniCooperLover · 19/02/2021 08:04

I'm sorry OP I don't believe him at all. He knows what it's called but for some odd reason he's not willing to tell you. No way he doesn't remember the name. And to not talk to you one children about it so so dishonest.

NuttySlacker · 19/02/2021 08:12

Hereditary Spherocytosis?

Like Sickle Cell but the blood cells are round (like a ball) so not as dangerous because blockages are less likely.

Sleepingdogs12 · 19/02/2021 08:17

I am unsure why people are being annoyed with the OP. The father of the children and his parents knew he had a potentially inheritable condition which could result in lower immunity and now we are in a pandemic and have been for a year . I would be absolutely furious and so scared for my children.. Hope you get it all checked out and clarified ASAP.

thegcatsmother · 19/02/2021 08:22

ITP in children is usually acute, and sorts itself out. In adults it tends to be chronic. I've had it 25 years; ds had it at birth, but his platelets were at normal levels by the time he was 6 weeks old.

If you have treatment for it, then the drugs can make you immunosupressed, but it is not one of the underlying conditions that gets you a jab any earlier.

Afaik, ITP is an auto immune disease, and not hereditary.

ShouldIgonow · 19/02/2021 08:25

My DH and I had genetic counselling as a sibling of his has a serious life limiting condition. We discovered he was a carrier and I am not. If I had been then we would have considered screening.

GrumpyHoonMain · 19/02/2021 08:27

@thegcatsmother

If you have treatment for it, then the drugs can make you immunosupressed, but it is not one of the underlying conditions that gets you a jab any earlier.

Afaik, ITP is an auto immune disease, and not hereditary.

ITP as a complication of Covid-19 is more common amongst older people and less so with children.

But if you have ITP already it is a known risk factor that your body can cause an exaggerated immune response after covid or flu. (Usually strokes). That’s why the vaccine is offered.

MessagesKeepGettingClearer · 19/02/2021 08:32

Yes, he should definitely have shared any genetic condition with you before having kids. Or at least told you while pregnant so it's something the docs could be aware of.

But what's done is done and as long as your kid are ok, id let it go.

Amummyatlast · 19/02/2021 08:42

I can understand why he might not have told you. I had an illness as I child that I was treated for. I remember the name as I was old enough at the time, but I rarely think about it. In fact this thread made me think about it, and then I went ‘oh shit, what about COVID’. A quick google suggests I may be at a slightly increased risk if I catch it. But it took this thread to remind me and spark the thought it might be a problem.

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