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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request a C-section?

30 replies

silenceofthemum · 16/02/2021 23:28

Mods, please feel free to move this to another topic if not suitable!

I had my son 4 years ago - textbook pregnancy/birth no issues.

I then went into premature labour 2 years ago today at 25 weeks and it was traumatic, baby passed away shortly after birth, I lost 4 litres of blood, was pretty touch and go and luckily didn't need a hysterectomy, no tears or nothing but they had to leave some placenta in as suspected placenta accreta a not diagnosed before birth.

Fast forward to today, I'm due in April and after much anxiety I think I have Tokophobia. This pregnancy up to now has gone really good, no issues, no placenta problems detected and overall been a easy pregnancy (up to now) but emotionally I'm not too good, my consultant has referred me to a clinical psychologist and has suggested a planned induction might be the best bet, as a c section doesn't reduce risk of bleeding ( I know this)

I keep having panic attacks at the thought of labour, which is strange as I never did in my first pregnancy so I know its post traumatic fear. I feel like a planned c section would be controlled, I would know what date etc and my husband supports me.

However when I talk to my mother she immediately becomes aggressive, saying I'm being ridiculous, I'm making excuses, she really diminishes my actual worry and anxiety, and considering she has mental health issues I would expect her to understand more than anyone but she doesn't she said "I'm choosing the easy way out, I'm copping out" and she doesn't agree with anyone choosing to undergo a big surgery out of choice and if I choose that route, she won't be my birth partner or look after DS (as pre-planned)

I suppose my AIBU is, is am I overreacting or not basically?

OP posts:
BlueTimes · 16/02/2021 23:33

I’m really sorry for what you have been through. You’re not being unreasonable or overreacting.

My baby died neonatally and in my experience, in a subsequent pregnancy, the consultants will do what they can to help with your anxiety and to accommodate your wishes with regards to control over birth/labour/type of delivery. I had a c section without a quibble.

I hope all goes well for you with this pregnancy.

LouiseTrees · 16/02/2021 23:33

Then don’t tell her. Tell her it’s a planned induction and that your DH will be coming with you.

RhodaDendron · 16/02/2021 23:35

I’m so sorry for your loss last time. Of course you aren’t overreacting, and of course you feel anxious this time. Your mother is being very cruel which must feel awful to you. I’m glad your husband is supporting you.

I had an ELCS after a traumatic birth and it was great. I’m so glad I had that option. Best of luck to you.

Original poster
silenceofthemum · 16/02/2021 23:36

@BlueTimes I'm sorry to hear of your loss too :( Luckily my consultant has suggested the counselling and has said if I still feel like I would want a elective than they would consider my wishes.

@LouiseTrees I think this is the way to go, my husband has said this, I just felt bad because she wasn't apart of my sons birth and I'm her only daughter and wanted her to have the experience but she doesn't want it either I guess.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/02/2021 23:36

Stop discussing this completely with your mother and do whatever it is you need to do. Your choice is the only one that matters here.

HappyasLaura · 16/02/2021 23:39

How you chose to give birth is no ones business but your own. Need to know basis.
ELCS are great. Well my experience was fantastic anyway.

SpringisSpinning · 16/02/2021 23:42

People have funny ideas about c sections...

My own df did.
I also had more emotional than physical issues with 1st labour and I was granted elc no quibbles having said that my research had shown me it made a difference between which consultant I happened to see.

PicaK · 16/02/2021 23:46

What is your mum's problem? Why can't she deal with the fact you had a majorly traumatic event that's affected you enormously (I'm so so sorry your baby died).
In some weird twisted way do you think she's subconsciously reacting to her own trauma and loss (losing a grandchild, almost losing a daughter) and she's down playing your fears and planning with these seemingly nasty barbs and bullying because she totally lacks the emotional capacity to deal with it?
Did you get a birth debrief ever?
Is it worth trying to get one now? Taking her with you.
I'd be tempted to just scream at her selfishness but I can see she's important to you and getting her to emotionally support you is worth a try.
If she won't emotionally support or practically support if you are not obeying her then honestly have a really good think about what value she adds. Would you want your kids exposed to this as they grow older.

StatisticallyChallenged · 16/02/2021 23:58

You do what you need to do for you to feel as safe as you can. I've had two elcs and found them very positive experiences.

Your mum needs to stfu

Mydogdoesntlisten · 17/02/2021 00:08

I had an ELCS with DS because I thought it best for me to minimise potential complications. It's really weird, but a lot of people seem incredibly judgemental about this.
My MIL was very anti the idea (not that I cared), but if DM had been the same I would have found it difficult. (I wouldn't have changed my mind though).
I still don't understand the prejudice that exists around this, but I would bet that your DM, whatever she might say now, will be thrilled when your baby arrives. I would say go with whatever is best for you, and don't be pressured by anyone else.

FizzyOranges · 17/02/2021 00:10

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Your mum is ridiculous and needs to support you and get over her own incorrect assumptions,about ELCS. Or just tell her it's a planned induction that ended in an emergency c section (if she will be around to help after birth so you are not hiding the syrgery).

It is your body. Have the birth YOU want.

Merryoldgoat · 17/02/2021 00:29

An induction that fails increases risk if PPH so in that case alone I’d opt for ELCS. I’m sorry you’ve had such a horrible loss.

Catflapkitkat · 17/02/2021 05:26

So sorry for your loss

You need to stop talking about it to to your mum because she is stressing you out. I cannot believe her lack or empathy. I am not suggesting going NC with her but stop confiding in her. It's a lovely thought
include her in the birth but it's not working is it? Find someone else that you can call on - sister, friend, in-laws. Phone your mum from the hospital bed afterwards.

LucyAutumn · 17/02/2021 07:45

So sorry for your loss OP, how awful Sad

I agree with previous posters, stop discussing with your mother. Some people are so backwards thinking about sections, it's ridiculous.

I had a bad delivery with my first, turned into an emergency section and he ended up in NICU for nearly 2 weeks. I lost my second, ended up in hospital, stuck in a room with no doctor available to sign of any pain medication for 15 hours and then had to have assistance with forceps.

For my third I decided that my previous traumas were enough, and I wanted to ensure my baby arrived safely. She was due and arrived in April last year. I requested a section in November and had it approved there and then. No questions asked, this may be down to the previous section but they were in agreement with my reasoning and I think your reasons are justified too.

Book your section, don't bother telling anyone else. It's none of their business.

PeachPiePip · 17/02/2021 07:54

A planned csection will be lovely and calm. I think it will offer you peace of mind.

So sorry for your loss of your DC2. Your mother’s response is cruel and manipulative with her threatening to withdraw looking after DC1 if you plan surgery. Good luck OP

TheGlitterFairy · 17/02/2021 08:04

Sorry for your loss OP.
Just an FYI - if you request an ELCS you can’t be refused one according to the NICE guidelines. If your consultant isn’t in agreement with that, they will need to pass you over to another consultant who is more sympathetic to electives but if not a case of requesting one and not getting one as they have to do this if requested. They may want to have a discussion about the pros and cons of both so you’re fully aware of that - but as you are, there won’t be an issue.
Good luck.

334bu · 17/02/2021 08:59

Flowers Sorry for your loss.

Of course you are not being unreasonable. It's your choice. Best wishes.

IdblowJonSnow · 17/02/2021 09:08

Why on earth is your mum being so awful?
Yanbu at all. I have had an elective section which was such a good experience.
I'm so sorry you lost your baby.
I wouldn't want my mum anywhere near me if she said things like that.
Stop thinking about her and focus on you now. Flowers

Caneloalvarez · 17/02/2021 09:29

I think you have every right to a planned C-section, I had one purely because it was my preference and not because of any previous birth trauma. You have been through an awful lot! It will be hard to stop discussing this with your mum as we usually want the support and approval of our closest people during something like this.. but trust your instincts and have confidence in your decision for a c section, with or without her support. Wishing you all the best!

Hhusky · 17/02/2021 18:22

I'm so sorry for your loss. You know what's best for you and if a section is what you want then ask for it. Your DM is being unreasonable. My DS was stillborn and when the time comes that we conceive again I will absolutely consider a section. Nobody on this earth can even begin to comprehend going through stillbirth or neonatal death until you've been through it yourself and it is your body and your choice.

JOMH1982 · 17/02/2021 18:54

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I had really bad PTSD and depression after losing my little girl at 19+6, and my subsequent pregnancy was very scary with a cervical stitch, clexane and progesterone. A very long story but I’m so pleased I requested an elective section as I had a lot of flashbacks from my delivery and the planned section made me feel like I had control and my consultant supported me with my decision. People can be judgemental about it but at the end of the day it’s your body and you need to do what you feel you need. Wishing you all the very best xx

Original poster
silenceofthemum · 17/02/2021 21:27

Thank you all for your lovely responses.

I agree, I think it's best to leave my mum out of these conversations and concentrate on being at ease with my decisions by myself!
I guess I'm just so used to telling my mum everything as I don't have friends really so it came as a big shock to her reaction and the way she's acted!

OP posts:
DailyCandy · 17/02/2021 21:32

Time to cut the apron strings. She sounds toxic

BigWindow · 17/02/2021 21:38

I’m so sorry for your loss.

What is your relationship like with your mum generally? Do you think she might be scared about you undergoing surgery and/or scared about being a birth partner during a c-section?

Her reaction is quite extreme and it’s hard to understand why she is so against you choosing to give birth in the way you feel safest and calmest, especially given your previous traumatic experience and loss.

Agree with other posters, anyway. You do what feels right for YOU. You don’t have to explain anything to anyone. Flowers.

Potterythrowdown · 17/02/2021 22:07

So sorry for your loss.

I had an elective section for DC2 and it was such a calm experience. It's certainly not an easy option though as your mum suggests. Do what's right for you and limit the information that you share.