Should I make her go to school?

[UndertheCedartree]

I'm looking for some advice as to how others might approach this.

I would prefer for my 8yo DD to start attending school one day a week after half-term. The reason being I have Zoom calls from 10.30-12.30 & 13.00 - 14.30 (support group and therapy) and it would give me some much needed time to myself. It's not imperative that she goes, though as I am at home - she can be at home doing her own thing plus she has an older brother to keep an eye on her. So it really isn't essential at all. She is incredibly reluctant to go. She likes school but the changes in that she will be with different children and not her class teacher makes her very anxious. It's been a stressful time for her the last few years and she is doing her own support group so I'm reluctant to do anything non-nurtering right now. I have arranged for us to go into school for an hour to see what it is like to see if it can tempt her - maybe if a friend is there, perhaps? Any advice, welcome.

@Symbion - yes, thank you I'll see what is said.

@StarsShiningUpAboveYou - thank you so much.

@RootyT00t - both I suppose.

[quote UndertheCedartree]@RootyT00t - both I suppose.[/quote]
Then unfortunately it comes down to who needs it most.

I'm not sure I condone putting her in when it's not right for her.

But I can sympathise your fear of being triggered.

OP, I recognise your username, so am going to approach this with a little knowledge of your previous posts. If that's not okay, I'll happily also report my post to have it removed if you'd prefer.

You've been through a huge ordeal, a lengthy process and it sounds like you've made huge progress to get where you are. Well done for that. I completely understand why you have been offered a school place for your child(ren) and agree that your circumstances should absolutely qualify for some sort of respite in this way if needed.

However, from what I remember, this past time has likely also been very traumatic for your children, and it is worrying the way you think your daughter might react to it (fwiw, my children were both offered places in school, but we had to weigh up the benefits with the lack of consistency and the 'unknown', so understand the concern) With you saying she's also in her own support group, it sounds like she's working hard on trying to move forward too, but I'd be worried about setting her back. Can whoever runs her support group / therapy give a bit of advice, a bit of feedback as to where they think she is and what she could cope with right now?

Honestly, if it were me, I would agree with trying to find some alternative place for her to be on your therapy days, but would do everything I could to make that be with a person and in an environment that she is comfortable and secure in. (Is there someone she trusts at school, who could differ a bit from the generic plan for in-school kids and take her under the wing for the day?) What about their dad? I know he was heavily involved, can he arrange to have them/her on your therapy days?

It's a difficult decision to make, and it sounds like you are thinking through all the options and determined to make the right call for ALL of you. Like I say, it sounds like you've done really well to get to where you are at right now. Well done

OP if there is a place get her to go it’s not for definite schools are opening ( even though I have fingers and toes crossed) Also our school has had a surge of parents applying for places for after half term.

I had therapy and I really couldn’t imagine having my Dds next door, I wouldn’t be able to relax and I was always a mess when I came out of it.

@RootyT00t - thank you for the advice.

I think it sounds like a sensible compromise for both of you. It would enable you to focus on your therapy safe in the knowledge your DD's needs were being met and would also allow your DD a gentle transition back to school which may be useful given her anxiety. She will have the opportunity to test out her anxieties whilst there are fewer children around and potentially to practise some strategies from her own therapy. I also think it's better for your DS this way as it doesn't put him under pressure to ensure your therapy goes smoothly by making him responsible for his sister.

If the school didn't think your family needed the support, they wouldn't have offered. By taking up the school place one day a week you're also sending a message that mental health needs are important and need to be afforded the same status and support that wider society gives obviously physical ill health. Even if you feel as though your family could muddle through without that day in school, by accepting that support, you may well pave the way for other families to be offered a similar opportunity.

I'm a teacher and have been teaching in school every day since the start of term. If your DD was at my school, I'd want her to come in so you could focus on your therapy. In non-covid times I've babysat parents' toddlers at school so the parent could attend therapy. It matters.

@DumplingsAndStew - thank you so much for all the kind words! Those are all really good points. I will definitely speak to her support group to see what they think. I have also been thinking if her dad could help and will definitely speak to school too.

OP you are going to need a thick skin here I think, but you are absolutely right to counter claims of unfairness by saying it's unfair your daughter qualifies as vulnerable at all. I'm sure you would rather it was not needed. I hope that the fact your school has offered a place means that they are well placed to support your daughter.

@Dearymesheila - thank you for the advice
@SE13Mummy - lots of good points to think about - thank you.

@Symbion - thank you. Yes, the pastoral care at school has been excellent.

YANBU either way. My younger 3 dc have school places because they are vulnerable although we haven't used the places so far. I would wait until the announcement on Monday and see what they say then.

@elliejjtiny - yes, that makes sense - I'm see the DC"s SW and DD's pastoral care teacher on Tuesday so I'll take it from there.

Hi op, whatever you decide to do is your call, please do not listen to those who have no clue what you and your children have been through. You also don’t need to justify anything to anyone. I too suffer with my MH and have the upmost sympathy for you.

A different angle from me is that if your dd does attend the one day per week then as well as you being able to do your therapy in peace, she is able to transition back into school after some time off and get used to her surroundings again with less children there and more available teachers and staff for support.

I wish you lots of luck with your ongoing therapy. I too remember your name, just as I got to the bottom of my post. You’ve come a long way and are doing bloody brilliant well done.

Hi

I would just check (if you haven't) that the school are ok with just one day a week, my school has refused to do anything that is not full time, obviously there could be exceptions to this that I don't know about it, but on the whole, kids go in for the full five days, so it might be worth checking, otherwise yes I would and have encouraged a friend to do the exact same thing and I would do it as well, as it is I have had to suspend my councilling till schools go back but it is what it is.

I think persuade her to try one day and she might actually like it. Maybe give her some sort of inscentive to get her to go like choosing something she wants in the shops at the weekend. Your mental health is important as well OP. My son is also 8 and he goes in full time despite me being at home. He is happy to go however- but im sure i had to persuade him a bit to go on the first day.I have 2 younger children at home and its saved our sanity. I dont really care what others think if I let myself crash mentally it wont help anyone. You sound like youre reaching breaking point so id say do it. Good luck OP, take care.

I think you should try sending her, sounds like she and you need it. It isn't unfair.

Your mental health takes priority op.

I don't know the background, but suffice to say if the school are offering a place to your dd that is more than sufficient to tell us that she/you need a place. You do not need to look for permission on here.

Email the school and ask what they can do to make things more comfortable for your dd. Is there a friend that she particularly likes also attending at the moment? One day a week is better than nothing until the schools reopen fully in a few weeks.

Give your dd a chance to go and try it, perhaps with a little reward at the end?

Take care of you op, and hold on tight. We are nearly at the end, take all the support and help being offered to you

Of course send her. The school recognise she is vulnerable and have offered her space. Don't feel bad.

@StealthRoast - thank you so much! That is a good point it could be helpful to settle her back in. She did struggle initially when going back in September after all the time off. I do think that after the initial anxiety she would settle in - she's more resilient that she realises.

@Sobeyondthehills - thank you - yes they have said 1 day is fine. I'm sorry about your counselling and hope you can get back to it soon.

@Oneweekleft - I think she probably would be fine - she just needs to get over the initial anxiety. A little sweetener could encourage her to give it a go, thank you, good idea! I'm glad to hear your son is able to go in to aid your mental health. As you say it is so important and you shouldn't worry what others think. If your son going to school helps you be able to continue caring for your DC then that is clearly the best option.

@sunflowertulip - thank you

@snowydaysandholidays - thank you so much. I'm hoping there will be a friend there - I'll find out. And yes a little reward might give her that little nudge to try it.

@Mumdiva99 - thank you