Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I make her go to school?

75 replies

UndertheCedartree · 16/02/2021 22:53

I'm looking for some advice as to how others might approach this.

I would prefer for my 8yo DD to start attending school one day a week after half-term. The reason being I have Zoom calls from 10.30-12.30 & 13.00 - 14.30 (support group and therapy) and it would give me some much needed time to myself. It's not imperative that she goes, though as I am at home - she can be at home doing her own thing plus she has an older brother to keep an eye on her. So it really isn't essential at all. She is incredibly reluctant to go. She likes school but the changes in that she will be with different children and not her class teacher makes her very anxious. It's been a stressful time for her the last few years and she is doing her own support group so I'm reluctant to do anything non-nurtering right now. I have arranged for us to go into school for an hour to see what it is like to see if it can tempt her - maybe if a friend is there, perhaps? Any advice, welcome.

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright1 · 16/02/2021 23:18

I think it sounds like you are in a really difficult place.

I am assuming the school know the reasons which is why she has been offered a place..

8 year olds don't decide if they go to school or not..

Do what is best for you as a family.

It soundsike there is a lot going on and no one can judge as we don't know what

Love51 · 16/02/2021 23:20

I work with a lot of schools. They vary on exactly how they interpret vulnerable, which is their right. Some pupils are being offered part time places to support the transition back into school after lockdown. For the benefit of those who can't cope with a vulnerable child being offered something which isn't available across the board, please be aware this can help all the children in a year group as it will stop as much staff time being taken up supporting that child once all children are back in school.
OP if school have offered a place they think it is in her interests. If you as her mum agree then take it up.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/02/2021 23:22

@Starlightstarbright1 - thank you. I will be seeking advice from people in real life too who have the full picture. It's all due to my mental health and it's hard to know what to do for the best

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/02/2021 23:23

@Love51 - thank you

OP posts:
tinierclanger · 16/02/2021 23:25

@UndertheCedartree Flowers

1Morewineplease · 16/02/2021 23:25

[quote UndertheCedartree]@1Morewineplease - exactly so not sure why saying my DD having a school place is 'unfair' is relevant. I could say my DC being vulnerable is 'unfair'.[/quote]
I did not say that at all.

Your posts imply that you want to send your daughter to school for your own well-being.
Many parents feel like that.
Given that you've said that your child already has a place, then it's a moot point!

partyatthepalace · 16/02/2021 23:33

I think you just have to weigh up - but I suspect if you need a break your daughter will benefit from you getting one, and a day at school she doesn’t much enjoy will be worth that.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/02/2021 23:42

@1Morewineplease - yes, I do want to send her to school for my own well being and obviously she has a place - I couldn't very well make her go to school without a place! Any parent who feels like that are free to talk to their school about a place for their DC if they feel they would qualify.

OP posts:
BillyIsMyBunny · 16/02/2021 23:42

I think you should send her in if it means you’re able to concentrate on therapy. I have just quit therapy half-way through as I couldn’t focus on it at all whilst juggling work, I couldn’t cope with needing to leave work early and then try to get straight into a therapy headspace but then having to get straight back to thinking about work again after the therapy session. It meant I wasn’t able to properly engage with the therapy and struggled to do any work between sessions and unfortunately as I work full-time it wasn’t possible to arrange appointments any other way.

I don’t think people who haven’t been through therapy always realise what hard work it is and that you’re expected to do more than just turn up to the sessions, a lot of the work happens between sessions. If you have your DD home when you’re trying to engage with therapy it’s unlikely you will be able to give the process the commitment and focus it needs in order to help you as much as it can. For that alone it is in the best interests of both you and your DC to have her in school so that you can commit your focus to therapy on the day you are attending it.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/02/2021 23:45

@partyatthepalace - thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 16/02/2021 23:51

@BillyIsMyBunny - thank you. It is mainly because of the therapy I would prefer her in school. I've only ever done it face to face and I'm quite nervous about what happens if you get badly triggered. I_m sorry to hear you weren't able to complete your therapy.

OP posts:
fassbendersmistress · 17/02/2021 00:00

OP I think you absolutely right and sensible to consider your daughter being in school on your therapy days. Some therapy sessions can be deeply stressful. I had strong physical reactions after some of mine, being ill etc. I needed the full day with DC in nursery to recover and compose myself. It sound important that you move forward with it, but if schools are going back soon and you can hang on then perhaps do that. Maybe explain to your therapist so you can plan to cover some gentler issues when you’re going home to your daughter.

Ahmnotacat · 17/02/2021 00:03

Honestly, no. I respect that you're having mental health issues but you did ask. School is meant to be open for those who really need it and from what you describe (brother at home etc) you don't really need it, you'd just prefer it.

fassbendersmistress · 17/02/2021 00:07

@1Morewineplease

So you want a place for your child because it would make you feel better? Hmmm...
It’s very obvious from her first post that the OP needs more than just the standard ‘well-being break’ that every parent in the land is desperate for. Your lack of empathy is astounding.
Lalliella · 17/02/2021 00:09

I don’t think it’s fair on your DD to force her into going if it would give her anxiety. Kids are suffering enough with this situation as it is, why would you deliberately do something that makes it worse for her when you have a choice? It’s only for 2 more weeks anyway.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/02/2021 00:22

Thank you for all the opinions - much appreciated.

OP posts:
Reinventinganna · 17/02/2021 00:26

You could try it and see how it works for all of you.

MissMarpleDarling · 17/02/2021 00:29

YABVU

RootyT00t · 17/02/2021 00:31

OP - unless she has a place , no

And if she does have a place despite the fact you're at home - why?

Why on earth can she not be in another room for the hour with something to do?

I'm sorry you feel you want the therapy etc in peace but...

RootyT00t · 17/02/2021 00:32

[quote UndertheCedartree]@BillyIsMyBunny - thank you. It is mainly because of the therapy I would prefer her in school. I've only ever done it face to face and I'm quite nervous about what happens if you get badly triggered. I_m sorry to hear you weren't able to complete your therapy.[/quote]
Anyone piling on OP please read this?

Symbion · 17/02/2021 00:33

See what they say on Monday and go from there. If it is just 2 weeks I'd be inclined to think it's not worth it. You need to factor in all the extra time, energy, explanation and worry it will take managing her emotions about going in when others are not.

My child has just started back part time under the vulnerable child category and it has been really helpful, but it was very much his choice. Like your daughter he already had the place waiting, we just didn't take it up until we really needed to.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 17/02/2021 00:35

"She likes school but the changes in that she will be with different children and not her class teacher makes her very anxious"

It works both ways. What if her daughter gets badly triggered? I don't know the answer to this but sending her anxious DD to school is going to repeat the cycle. There has to be another solution

StarsShiningUpAboveYou · 17/02/2021 00:39

So much hate on here. Everyone has their reasons in life.. just because you haters don't agree with it, doesn't mean it isn't valid!

@UndertheCedartree Your Mental health is so important. If sending your child to school will help you complete your therapy then you need to do it. No one on here knows your history and what you've been through so ignore the bad judgments. Good luck. Flowers

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 17/02/2021 00:40

@RootyT00t - yes, she has a place. It is for respite for me and because I would struggle to look after her when triggered etc. It isn't only an hour - it is a total of 3.5hrs. And to be fair I do need peace to be able to concentrate on therapy.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 17/02/2021 00:41

Is the place for her vulnerabilities or for you?

Swipe left for the next trending thread