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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Did I do the right thing?

36 replies

Sad06 · 16/02/2021 21:58

So, was with my fiancé for 7 years. Totally loved and adored him. He was very up and down and over reacted to so much. Accused me of having affairs (I'm not like that), I couldn't go out with friends as he would message to check on me. Had to be careful how I dressed. He was unkind to ky daughter but when he 'tried' to make an effort he made a big song and dance and expected praise. He had a son who I adored. The kick offs got too much and he would drink too much and there would always be a drama. I would always be on my best behaviour to avoid aggro. Last weekend he went mortal. I had to call his parents to help. My daughter was hysterical in her room over it again.
Now settling at parents house, happy without the drama, saving to get me and my daughter another life. Am I wrong to miss him tonight?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2021 22:00

You did the right thing. Keep busy and distract yourself. Missing a man who was horrible to your daughter can’t be making you feel good.

Justcallmebebes · 16/02/2021 22:00

Yes, please think of your daughter. She has to be your first priority

Susanthepig · 16/02/2021 22:02

Absolutely the right thing. If you can’t leave this man for good, for yourself, then do it for your daughter.

Justmuddlingalong · 16/02/2021 22:02

You're not wrong to miss the good things about him. But, the bad obviously outweighed the good. You feel how you feel and can't be mocked for that. You were brave and decisive and in time you'll realise you did the best for you and your DD. 💐

Original poster

Sad06 · 16/02/2021 22:02

Thanks. I know I'm doing the right thing. My daughter has such a lovely nature and keeps thanking me. Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:

RedPandaMama · 16/02/2021 22:03

Not wrong to miss him, no, but please don't go back. Block and delete his number, social media etc. Start afresh. I work with victims of domestic abuse and see people go back time and time again. Remember how he treated you, and think about how he'll treat your daughter when she grows up, if you were to keep this man in your life.

It's you and your daughter now. Get yourselves a fresh start.

And just a heads up, you can present to any council in the UK as homeless since you've been a victim of domestic abuse, and they have a duty to rehouse you. Doesn't have to be your local council.

Good luck OP. Stay strong x

WhatToDo82 · 16/02/2021 22:03

I would say YABU for missing him, definitely. He sounds like an abuser. Those types of men rarely change. Your life would have been very difficult and so would your daughter’s. You’ve done the right thing. He doesn’t have to have been violent in order to be abusing you and your DD. But it could one day have ended up in violence due to the numerous red flags you’ve mentioned. Please please do right by your daughter and keep her away from his unkindness. You will both find happiness again!

Original poster

Sad06 · 16/02/2021 22:03

When he was good he was perfect. I feel like I couldn't do another battle.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 16/02/2021 22:04

You did the right thing but of course you’re not wrong to miss the good bits of him.

It’s not going to do you any good to dwell on those good times though, because you really were right to end it. It’s going to be hard for a while though so be kind to yourself, and remember how strong you are.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 16/02/2021 22:06

You were together for 7 years. Of course you're not wrong to miss him. But you would be wrong if missing him made you go back to him. Your daughter has to come first.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 16/02/2021 22:07

@Sad06

When he was good he was perfect. I feel like I couldn't do another battle.

Thats the cycle of abuse. It doesn't mean he is actually a nice person. It means he is an abusive arsehole who knows how to play you.

Stay single for the foreseeable and get some counselling to find out why you let some man be cruel to your daughter for 7 years.

Have you actually blocked him?

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2021 22:07

The only acceptable amount of abuse is none. None to you and none to your child who has no say in who you bring into her life. However nice he could be what does it matter when you know what he was like to your innocent daughter. Her reaction tells you everything you need to know.

Justgorgeous · 16/02/2021 22:07

You say he was unkind to your daughter. He would have been gone at the first sign of that.

Original poster

Sad06 · 16/02/2021 22:10

He wasn't cruel with her else I would have left sooner. He just had a go at me a lot and questioned everything I did, who I spoke to etc.
I just needed reassurance tonight so thanks as you have all made me see sense.

OP posts:

sallievp · 16/02/2021 22:10

Yes you are wrong. How could you be with someone who is unkind to your daughter?

2ndtimemum2 · 16/02/2021 22:12

Of course you are going to miss him thats human nature that is why people stay with their abusers for so long...your missing the person that he was at the start or the person you wanted him to be.

You can't just turn off you feelings...but here's the important thing, love is not reason enough to stay. Don't berate yourself for feeling this way but just know you Cannot go back, you can't allow your daughter to think this is normal. He will not change no matter what he promises you.

Now is the time to get yourself into counselling and focus on you and your daughter

funinthesun19 · 16/02/2021 22:13

Yes you 100% did the right thing.

I know what you mean about feeling like you miss him. I’ve been there too with my ex. These feelings are not helpful when you’re trying to make changes! You’ve been so used to him just being there, that even with all the shit he brought in to your life you still feel like you want him around because you can’t imagine him not being there. Or you feel guilty for putting yourself/your child first and leaving him behind. And you might start thinking about the good times you may have had with him.

You’ve done the best thing for you and your daughter. You both deserve so much better.

5128gap · 16/02/2021 22:13

You were with him a long time and had a life together. In leaving you have made a big change, not just leaving him, but your home, your routine and your usual habits. Not to mention your hopes for the future.
You won't just adjust to that overnight and are bound to feel sad and a bit lost and associate all of that with the loss of him.
Its human nature when sad to want the familiar, even when it's not that great.
You were brave and strong for you and your daughter, you will adjust, and your new life will be so much better.

Chinam · 16/02/2021 22:14

He was unkind to your daughter. He subjected her to his abuse of you. Well done for getting away from him. Please keep your resolve and stay away from him.

Divebar2021 · 16/02/2021 22:16

Your daughter keeps thanking you for leaving him? That’s heartbreaking. The fact that she was exposed to whatever going “ mortal” is in fact abusive even though it wasn’t directed at her. She must have been terrified for you both. Of course you may miss him but don’t think for one second it would be any different if you got back with him.

maddening · 16/02/2021 22:24

You need to hold your resolve, hold your anger, hold on to his cruelty, temper, all the bad. He was abusive, as an abused person it is natural for you to feel this way, this is why you see the cycle of abuse, but you need to keep the resolve that freed you, you know that he will not change. And if you do go back you would be a neglectful parent if you took your dd back with you. It is her.or him, and he comes with a life of abuse, the choice is easy, keeping your resolve now is the hard part.

myturf · 16/02/2021 22:25

@Divebar2021

This. Your daughter must have picked a lot of this up to be so thankful you've left, poor kid. Keep that in your head and be strong.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 16/02/2021 22:26

You were the one who said He was unkind to my daughter. You are already minimising.

Have you blocked him.

GabsAlot · 16/02/2021 22:28

if youre daughter is thanking you for leaving then yes you left it too long

funinthesun19 · 16/02/2021 22:29

He will probably try and play the whole “I’m big victim” card and tell you how upset and wronged by he is and probably will be in denial about his own actions etc and he’ll bang on about how he’ll change if you take him back.
Just the usual tricks abusers try to pull. Gaslighting, empty promises, can only see themselves and nobody else, aggression when things don’t go their way.

So just be wary of him doing that, op. Hopefully he’ll just accept your decision, but he might also try and pull the above like many emotionally abusive people do.

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