Or is dh re 15yo bedtime

[Ikeatears]

Somewhat lighthearted
Ds2 is 15. Good kid, working hard homeschooling, takes the dog for walks, does the dishes (if asked), hasn't tried to break lockdown.
It's half term, he's been on the PS4 most of the day and usually we ask him on non-school nights to have everything switched off by about 11.30.
Tonight we came to bed late (about 1.20), dh went up first and I could hear raised voices. Ds was still up and dh wasn't happy. Saying (quite loudly but not quite shouting) that he should know better, it was ridiculous, he shouldn't need to be told, he was banned from the PS4 tomorrow etc etc.
I simply popped my head in Ds' room and calmly said, "turn everything off, you're very silly" because he knew he was pushing his luck with the time and that dh wouldn't be happy.
According to dh, I "didn't help matters"
Not sure what he expected from me. He'd already done the (imo unnecessary) raising of voices and banning of the PS4, I'd reiterated to ds that he needed to turn everything off and I just wanted us all to go to bed to sleep.
Privately, I pointed out to dh that:

1. He's 15, he'll stay up as late as he can get away with and if we don't like it, we need to get off our arses and go upstairs and check on him
2. It's half term, we can't go anywhere, why does it matter if he stays up late and sleeps in late? I think there are bigger battles to pick🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm unreasonable apparently. Oh and now I'm wide awake feeling irritated and he's snoring his head off!!! Ps. I realise I am disproportionately allowing far too much headspace to this 'issue' but I can't sleep, I've been stuck in this bloody house with dh, 3 teenagers and a 10 year old for what feels like forever and I just want have a couple of girlfriends over, drink too much and rant about my unreasonable (hard working, very kind, totally supportive of me and the dc) husband! Just humour me and tell me to LTB like my girlfriends would (and then we'd remember all his -many- good points and I'd decide to stay)

So you had backed your Dh up.
Can’t see the problem??
The rest I can fully identify with!

I've had this with my sons and DH - is your partner out of house mostly? Mine is and I totally hear you, it's naff when they overreact and you think ffs I have been managing this for months and you can't handle a tiny little issue! I agree, pick your battles!

See! I KNEW I was right! I did back him up! At least, that's what I thought I was doing, just without the unnecessary drama!
@Gutted2day he's been home A LOT since last March (furloughed, working from home, part time furlough etc) but I actually think that's partly the issue. We're all driving each other around the bend!!

Honestly I’d be angry with DH for this one. I’d back him up because united front and all, but he and I would have words about picking our battles and not overreacting when a well-behaved child mildly pushes boundaries. I know that’s how I would react because we have the same problem at my house with DH and our very well behaved child

You backed him up.
Personally, it’s half term, your DS is 15, I think DH overreacted.

Ha ha lucky you! I think we are all at the point of implosion...hopefully some type of normal service will resume soon. He sounds like a great kid tbh

It's half-term, what does it matter?

@MixedUpFiles this is exactly what happened. He's even worse with our 18 year old. He's absolutely terrified of them failing or not making the right choices all the time and finds it hard not to catastophize. Eg. Ds1 will leave an assignment to the last minute and he's going to fail his degree, never get a good job etc etc. We'll talk it through later and he'll see he's being over the top then repeats the behaviour.
I think he projects - failed A levels and didn't make it to uni but has a very good, senior level management job but feels he underachieved. He's a very good man and a fabulous dad in many, many ways but sometimes, he drives me insane!

He's 15 and it's half term. I wouldn't impose a bedtime at all.

Thank you all for backing me up! Please have another with me! I miss my girlfriends! (Who, incidentally, love dh and know he's the best thing that ever happened to me but they let me tell them he's being an arse and don't contradict me - until much later when sometimes they may gently, when warranted, tell me I might want to apologise but not on this occasion!)

@idontlikealdi I do actually want him in bed when we go (we always stay up late) but this is because he's incapable of staying up quietly (gaming, talking to a friend etc) and we're in the room next door! I have enough to contend with with dh's snoring!

I feel bad for your son about this one. Ihope his dad didn't embarrass him on the mic,
they hate that shit. My 2 teens like yours walk the dog and do their home schooling. They've been indoors since November other than the dog walks and a covid test. Tonight my 15 year old jogged at 11pm which I wasn't pleased about. And has probably gone to bed at around 2am. I just tell him not to talk whilst playing ps4. I think it's a hard time for teenagers and lack of activities makes them less tired. We're all on top of each other, why make it harder?

I would agree you backed him up, but I've found that in a lot of cases it seems to work better when the other parent doesn't come in part way through something like this. So I now avoid it if I can, and I prefer dh not get involved when it's me. It seems to make the child that much more difficult, I suppose they feel ganged up on.

I don't really think there is a right answer as such with the bedtime, I find if my kids get too far off of a regular one, it spirals into a sleep-all-day up all night thing that it is difficult to get out of, so I tend not to let them go too much later. I think 11:30 is plenty late at 15, anyway, they still need a lot of sleep at that age, especially boys.

I think you are both right about checking. If you want him to do it all the time, you need to check, at least sometimes, especially if he is online as he will get caught up. (and actually that is another reason to avoid no bedtime, lots of teens will simply be online all night.) But it's also reasonable to tell him that he needs to take some responsibility for himself.

@JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth
Luckily, Ds2 (unlike ds3) is not a very sensitive soul when it comes to things like that. He'll get up tomorrow like nothing happened (and hope she's forgets the PS4 ban - highly likely)
I agree though, normally I'm stricter with gaming and screen time but they don't have much else in their lives at the minute, he really has got his head down with homeschooling and I said to my sister today, I'm going to leave them all to it this week - let them just have some down time. He meets up with one friend for a bike ride every day or so or goes to the skatepark with his older brother but many socialises online. I can't get worked up about it until we have some sort of normality back🤷🏼‍♀️

@SmokedDuck I agree but that's exactly what dh was looking for (I think) He wanted me to go in all guns blazing. He'd walked away but was ranting about being ignored because Ds was on a go slow to switch everything off. That's why I stayed calm (well, that and I WAS calm)
Re bedtime, I would normally agree and Ds2 in particular needs a lot of sleep but we've nothing planned at all this week. I don't actually mind if he sleeps in til midday. Usually, we'd be on days out or seeing friends etc. I want him in bed when we go though.
However, if dh wants him in bed for half 11, I'm happy to go with it but then we need to check that and not assume Ds2 will police himself - he's our 3rd child - you'd think dh would realise this about 15 year olds by now!

My daughter is 15 and chats to friends till early hours. They are all doing it. Frankly I'm fine with it as she does all her work, hasn't been out all this time and has missed out on so much. What else is there to do over half term? Pick your battles. They are having just as tough a time.

I have two boys who are 15 in a few weeks. In half term they can go to bed and get up whatever time they like as long as they don't make too much noise.
They love gaming and are night owls.
They work hard at school and are no trouble.

Yesterday DH who is Wfh like me (I'm on leave this week) had a go at them for gaming so much in the day. Normally in half term they're out with friends, we might go for lunch etc, but there's very little they can do right now (they'd already been for a walk, we watched a film, played cards etc) so I think DH was out of order.

Oh god the entire school holidays (we are in Australia, just had 6 weeks summer holidays) my husband was like this with our 14yo. She was staying up til after midnight and then sleeping in until 9 or 10 in the morning and it drove him mad. I said it’s holidays, why does it matter? I can’t stand imposing rules for no reason.

We aren’t even in lockdown here so I can’t blame that, he’s just grumpy.

9 or10 sounds good Remaker

Mine surface around midday, but I don't mind as there is nothing else for them to do.

So you guys can occasionally stay up until 1 something but you expect your teen to decide to go to bed several hours earlier every night. In half term? I think you need to be setting a better example of sensible sleeping patterns if you’re going to pick this hill to die on.

Was he more annoyed that you got involved when it wasn't necessary? He was already handling it.

I agree with you though, if he expects DS to be asleep by a certain time, this should be agreed between you both beforehand and he should go and check up on him, not leave it until the early hours.

It's a non-issue though. Discipline is a part of everyday life in every family, sometimes you see it the same, other times you disagree - so be it.

I guess if he’s out of control shouting dreaming banging etc then it was worth getting into trouble for. But doesn’t sound like that. You just approached the same issue with the same message in a different way. You sound blessed to have such a well behaved 15 yo son tbh. Maybe worth reiterating that to dh. Show him some of the posts on here about kids behaviour and maybe he will tone in down a bit.

My 12yo SS doesn’t go to bed till like 1am after gaming all day and sleeps in till like 12pm 😂 I would say it’s defo better picking your battles, tell your husband this 😂 with lockdown it’s the only way kids communicate 😁

I mean... why are you going to bed at 1.20?

Imposing a bed time on a 15 year old and then staying up until the early hours yourself seems a bit "do as I say not as I do".

agree with pp that you didn't need to go in and say anything at all, but you did back your DH up which is good.

Frankly? You have to let them learn. So on a school night you remind them that they have to be up on time at school etc etc. And that bedtimes are there to facilitate that not piss them off.

I think he projects - failed A levels and didn't make it to uni but has a very good, senior level management job but feels he underachieved. He's a very good man and a fabulous dad in many, many ways but sometimes, he drives me insane!

this bit resonated. I was like that. So I'd remind your DH that everyone is different, he's catastrophising, that worrying about their future is normal but at this stage you have given them the tools to use to succeed in life and it is now up to them to use them, with possible gentle guidance from parents.

Also introduce your DH to the OU. Did wonders for me.

Imposing a bed time on a 15 year old and then staying up until the early hours yourself seems a bit "do as I say not as I do".

Because they're the adults and 15 year olds need boundaries? Going to take a punt that OP and her DH turned up for work today, if that's their schedule, ready to go, even if they didn't go to bed early. 15 year olds need to learn that.