Or is dh re 15yo bedtime

[Ikeatears]

Somewhat lighthearted
Ds2 is 15. Good kid, working hard homeschooling, takes the dog for walks, does the dishes (if asked), hasn't tried to break lockdown.
It's half term, he's been on the PS4 most of the day and usually we ask him on non-school nights to have everything switched off by about 11.30.
Tonight we came to bed late (about 1.20), dh went up first and I could hear raised voices. Ds was still up and dh wasn't happy. Saying (quite loudly but not quite shouting) that he should know better, it was ridiculous, he shouldn't need to be told, he was banned from the PS4 tomorrow etc etc.
I simply popped my head in Ds' room and calmly said, "turn everything off, you're very silly" because he knew he was pushing his luck with the time and that dh wouldn't be happy.
According to dh, I "didn't help matters"
Not sure what he expected from me. He'd already done the (imo unnecessary) raising of voices and banning of the PS4, I'd reiterated to ds that he needed to turn everything off and I just wanted us all to go to bed to sleep.
Privately, I pointed out to dh that:

1. He's 15, he'll stay up as late as he can get away with and if we don't like it, we need to get off our arses and go upstairs and check on him
2. It's half term, we can't go anywhere, why does it matter if he stays up late and sleeps in late? I think there are bigger battles to pick🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm unreasonable apparently. Oh and now I'm wide awake feeling irritated and he's snoring his head off!!! Ps. I realise I am disproportionately allowing far too much headspace to this 'issue' but I can't sleep, I've been stuck in this bloody house with dh, 3 teenagers and a 10 year old for what feels like forever and I just want have a couple of girlfriends over, drink too much and rant about my unreasonable (hard working, very kind, totally supportive of me and the dc) husband! Just humour me and tell me to LTB like my girlfriends would (and then we'd remember all his -many- good points and I'd decide to stay)

When I was a teen I'd have been sleeping over at friends' houses all half term and staying up all night. I get school night bedtimes, but not during half term and certainly not in lock-down. And you did back him up.

Because they're the adults and 15 year olds need boundaries? Going to take a punt that OP and her DH turned up for work today, if that's their schedule, ready to go, even if they didn't go to bed early. 15 year olds need to learn that.

But there is no school today for the 15 year old to get up for. What's to learn in this situation?

Four o'clock this morning and I was telling three teenagers to get to sleep.

Tonight, the modem is coming to bed with me.

@MessagesKeepGettingClearer no, he was annoyed I didn't have the same level of annoyance as him and didn't say enough.
@nancywhitehead because

1. we're adults and don't need the same amount of sleep as a 15 year old
2. We're adults and can choose our bedtime
3. We're not shouting into a gaming headset at silly o'clock

Anyway, as I said, it was lighthearted really, they've both continued the day today as though nothing happened, I've no idea if dh has decided to impose his ban but judging by ds's good humour, I suspect not. 🤷🏼‍♀️

I odn;t think you did back him up actually. I think you interferred.
Why did you need to go in at all?
Dh was dealing with it.
And he was being stern, and you came in all nice mum, and I think that undermined him.

BUT I have 18, 15 and 13 year old. At half term only the 13 has a bedtime. I remember reading until the early hours as a teen and I think it is fine to let them explore their own boundaries etc.
The only rule in our house is once Mum and Dad have gone to bed, you must be quiet. There is definitely some hotr chocolate making that happens at 2 am! (and let's not get into the 18 year old, who cooks in the middle of the night)

I also find they are much more likely to stick to the term time boundaries if they know they are going to be relaxed in the holidays

My DC go to bed whenever they want in the half-term. The only bit that annoys me is if they don't clean up after themselves in the kitchen.

You say you went to bed late. Can you not see the irony?

@Brefugee I've suggested OU before and even suggested approaching work to help fund a business degree (he's more than capable) but to be fair to him, he's not a natural student and his job is pretty full on. I'm not sure he'd have the time (or the inclination). We constantly have the conversation about him being more positive with the dc, he doesn't even realise he's doing it half the time. I've worked for years with hard to reach young people and he's seen the other side but forgets that we have really good kids who behave like normal, boundary-pushing teens. He struggles sometimes to let them move that boundary even when the time is right. His mother does still say to him "if I say black is white then black is white" though so I think he finds it hard to let them grow up just as mil has with him and his siblings (he handles her well by the way, he isn't a mummy's boy, as much as she'd like him to be)

@steppemum I wasn't all nice mum, I was firm with him, I just didn't lose my shit like dh would have liked. He didn't think I interfered, he thought I should have joined him in some sort of double act telling off.
Anyway, all is well, dh has forgotten about the ban (predictable) and I've just asks Ds what time he thinks is reasonable. He's suggested 11, I said I was ok with half past so he's happy.

op check how much coffee or caffeinated drinks after 6 pm (suggest drinking something else) or during day
Many of us have had sleep issues exacerbated by lock in. Its the non event syndrome & lack of stimulus. White screen usage late at night affects sleep patterns & for goodness sack teenagers would have been out & about & socializing at the moment.
personally I think many of us are looking at patio designs even if we are happily married & have stable family lives.
Whilst I don't think its a proportionate comparison (because of the obvious terror of the risk of being killed) - the thing I know as an adult think about is how petty the arguments were & how dramatic the affect in Anne Frank's diary. It was a real study in the claustrophobic life irritations comparison to isolation wfh & students wfh. Obviously we can go out for walks & its vastly different risk but the psychological affects are still there.
I reckon getting the dc to watch the film or read the diary would be a good study & discussion for most dc

@Justmuddlingalong

You say you went to bed late. Can you not see the irony?

OP is a fully-grown adult. The DS is a 15 year old growing boy. Big difference. I don't think he really needs a bedtime during school holidays myself, but I don't see any "irony" here.

OP good to hear all is ok today, and that DS has suggested a reasonable bedtime.

With mine, knowing that i sometimes read all night as a teen, i used to say they had to be in their rooms and preferably in bed, asleep, but didn't really check up on them.

One used to go to bed early, she loves her bed. The other has always slept very little and that never changed. They're both fine though.

So we have to go to bed at the same time as our children or we are hypocrites? Sod that!
I go to bed when I want to (usually before midnight) but last night I was up till 2.30am because a) I am a grown up, and b) I am on leave.

My 14 and 16 yo are in bed by 9.30/ 10.30pm we don't police their bedtimes strictly during the hols anyway and it is half term here. But as 16 yo DS likes to get up by 8am he sticks to his bedtime by choice. I am not going to bed at 10.30pm just because DS is an early riser.

DD is restless and though she is generally in bed by 9.30 she is often up and down and moving around till 11-12. But we don't tell her off, as she has ADHD and struggles to settle.

I think a bedtime routine for teens is helpful as they have to get up and start school virtually / or physically in school and be capable of studying. As an adult I can take responsibility for getting through the day if I stayed up late, but they should have some help/ guidance for forming good habits. In the hols we relax that, but it isn't a matter of "do what I say..." Appropriate boundaries for teens are not going to be the same as for an adult that's crazy talk.

Op your husband is being grouchy and wanted you to be outraged with him, the fact that you had a more balanced perspective must have grated on him. I am sure you will both get past it. Lockdown is hard on us all.

I don't see a big difference, personally, but we all have our opinions.

You say you went to bed late. Can you not see the irony?

Do you honestly go to bed at the same time as your children? Give over.

No. I'm not saying that parents go to bed at the same time as their kids. I'm saying bedtimes are fluid for adults. And my kids had a routine on school nights, but their bedtimes were more relaxed during the school holidays.

@Justmuddlingalong

No. I'm not saying that parents go to bed at the same time as their kids. I'm saying bedtimes are fluid for adults. And my kids had a routine on school nights, but their bedtimes were more relaxed during the school holidays.

Same in our house. He's in bed for 10 on school nights, usually asleep for half past so we are being more flexible. Saturday nights we've all been doing something together and sometimes all gone to bed at the same time.

I've been watching my similar aged niece struggle with lockdown and had a realisation, that we often expect better of kids than we do of adults, just because we've told them to do something and think that should be enough.
Many many 'grown ups' are struggling to regulate bed times and stick to normal routine because of lockdown, so why would a child be equipped to manage any better. I know this is a light hearted post, but I don't think you were BU at all, and we need to cut young adults some slack at the moment. They're coping remarkably well considering.

Yes. Dh largely ignores the kids, but his ears prick up when I tell them off. Then he wades in and overdoes it by shouting, or a long, involved lecture which just winds everyone up.
Or he'll come home from work and start:"have they showered? Cleaned teeth?"
Ffs. I am here. I have way, way more experience with young people than he will ever have. I'm on it. I really don't need him to come home, cause a war, then retreat on to his phone. I have explained this to him many times. And then used his lack of ability to change to illustrate to him that just nagging kids gets you nowhere.

Sorry, slight derail, but I feel better now.

You are just cruel give the 15 year old his ps4 back. Punishing the poor boy for nothing.

Like he had big plans for today did he? So had to be up early? 🙄🙄

@MissMarpleDarling I think you need to read the thread properly...

@TheMoth I hear youglad you feel better haha

@Werkwerkwerkwerkwerk it's so hard for them isn't it. All three dc have coped remarkably well and, in general, we've all got along quite well. We also have ds1's girlfriend here to try to make it easier for them.
Ds2 is currently chatting away to his friends on the PS4 (he's just screamed "I got him! Haha!")