Cut a friend out, feel awful

[Joeyjay]

I messaged on here regarding a friend I've had for a few years. I was advised to simply stop replying or to block, but didn't feel good doing this so I told her how I felt.

The issues were that she's having some sort of emotional affair with an engaged man, keeps commenting that the girlfriend is jealous/paranoid and that the man has to make excuses about where he's going etc. And wants him to break up with the girlfriend for her.

A habit of finding the negative in good news and being very dismissive,and never asking me anything about me.

She has gossiped about me to others over the years.

I'm just struggling to get over stuff over the years, like I went away with her for a few days and she called me a boring grandma behind my back and laughed when I got lost in a new city and separated from everyone.

Anyway i told her that I didn't wish to speak about this man daily any longer. She replied "Oh i thought we were friends, my bad " and other comments.

I told her that it was my right to not want to talk about it and to not agree with what she is doing etc. And that it wasn't fair how one sided it all was.

She sent me 20 messages, most of which i didn't read but some were attacking me. I understand she is defensive as nobody wants to hear about their behaviour.
She said she would be sad to not speak to me again but if was my choice. I tried to explain that I wanted to sort it out, she wasn't a bad person and it was just a difference in personalities but that I was struggling to get over her behaviours over the years and i had tried to talk before but to no avail.

I said that it was sad and she did too. There have been a lot of great moments but I feel what she's done is unfair. Anyway woke up to find I was deleted on all social media channels.

It's not that i don't ever want to speak again, just didn't want that and it was so one sided. However i feel awful. There have also been great times and conversations.

Has anyone got advice? Does this feeling go eventually? She seemed shocked and sad but hopefully will realise.

I think she sounds awful. Why try with someone who doesn't respect you? If I knew someone was doing the things she did I'd cut them out without a second thought. Her little strip is because you 've called her on it and she doesn't want to change. She's not worth it.

*strop

In calling her out i was firm , but not rude, didn't insult her, swear, say anything about her personality etc. However the said the way i spoke to her was really harsh. It was simply blunt and firm.

She sounds vile. You need to have enough self esteem to not let people treat you that way, even if it means you have no friends. I think you should move forward and forget about her.

If it was just about her affair then I'd understand feeling sad she's taken it hard. But she sounds like a bitch. It doesn't sound like she really cared about you much, so stop grovelling to her and move on. Find friends who are loyal and mature. She sounds like a 15 year old.

It'll get easier in time. Well done on being honest btw, it takes guts.

She's treated you badly, in fact quite abusively. And didn't even have the decency to apologise.

You're doing the right thing by ending this. You feel bad because you're a kind person. It's ok to forgive her for how she's treated you if you wish but don't try to salvage this awful relationship.

Thanks. I know there are two sides to every story and it's true that i lacked assertiveness.
Sending 20 messages and the sarcy comments was not necessary.
She said "all the best for the future" however.
I understand it came as a shock to her.

Please try not to fret too much. I know you're probably feeling sad, bad and awkward but this will fade, honest.
At least she's made the decision for you and it shows her for what she is. She's a horrible user and has blocked you because there's no point being your friend anymore as you can't , any longer, give her what SHE wants.

She has apologised for things in the past , i was just shocked at the way she tried to blame me saying "the way you spoke to me ". Manipulative, i think she's probably just not used to it. Thanks, I'm sure I will move on.

Well done for standing up for yourself. Perhaps in time she'll take on board what you've said to her and learn that this is not how you treat people? Be glad you told her a few home truths instead of pandering to her ego. Go you

She recently had a promotion and I said, ah that's great! Ten yesterday she told me that I hadn't praised or congratulated her enough.

You did great in calling her out but it seems she took back control of the situation and turned it back on you, had you saying you didn't want to end things etc.

She maniulated you again. This is just more proof that you are better off without her.

You feel bad because 1. the manipulation and 2. you are a nice person. It will feel better over time though and sounds like the right decision.

She's having an affair (Emotional or otherwise, it's still cheating) and calling his girlfriend paranoid?

She won't be much of a loss, OP. Move on with your life. (tell the girlfriend?)

Stop explaining and apologising; just cut her dead and she's out of your hair. She'll be miffed because she's lost an audience for her drama.

@Joeyjay

She has apologised for things in the past , i was just shocked at the way she tried to blame me saying "the way you spoke to me ". Manipulative, i think she's probably just not used to it. Thanks, I'm sure I will move on.

However the said the way i spoke to her was really harsh. It was simply blunt and firm.

Did you communicate this by messaging, or by phone call? Because messaging is SUCH a dangerous way to communicate important stuff.

Of course being blunt and firm in a message can be read as harsh. Why wouldn't it be? You can't expect someone to read your message in the exact tone of voice you had in your head when you were typing. And given that she was on the end of your criticism, she was hardly going to read it in apositive tone of voice, was she?

In so many threads I want to yell at people DON'T USE MESSAGING FOR THIS, because it's entirely the wrong way to express emotionally difficult stuff. That kind of conversation requires the recipient to be able to read your facial expression, your body language, and most importantly, your tone of voice.

I've been on both ends of misunderstood tone in messaging. I swear people fall out with their friends much more often now they rely on text rather than speech.

Yeah, she thinks that the guy makes excuses to his girlfriend about when he's going to meet my friend. I have said several times how can she want someone who does that, but indeed it's no longer my business and it's her life. She has several friends that she talks to about this so I'm sure she will be fine.
That's true about the messaging, I didn't think about it. She lives abroad and we only communicate on message, I thought being on the phone to hear that would be harsh and at least messaging gives her a chance to think etc.

What I didn't mention was that I was receiving these one sided messages virtually daily, messages saying that he hadn't replied, asking me to analyse texts, photos, behaviour etc.
I don't mind doing this but it was daily and she never asked how I was etc.

I think she deserved a few harsh words. I don't think she misinterpreted the tone of your messages, she just didn't like you telling her the truth.

I don't think you've done anything wrong Op. It is uncomfortable to be assertive sometimes, particularly if you're used to being a people pleaser but I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about.

Imagine if this was a partner treating you this way; manipulating you, expecting you to support their dubious behaviour, gossiping about you, sending you abusive texts? You'd end the relationship. The same applies to friendships.

You're allowed to end a friendship so stop beating yourself up.

She's flimsy, she felt judged, and has gone to ground. OP she will come back when he dumps her.

Stop allowing her to continue upsetting you. She is not a good person and you did the right thing to attempt to cut her out of your life but you should've been the one to block her first. She did you a favour by blocking you as now you have no choice but to do the right thing and not speak to her. If you wrote a pro con list you'd find all cons and maybe 2 pros. Don't let her control you anymore. Move on, find good friends and don't be a pushover.

Some friendships just don't survive for many reasons. You are mourning the friendship and just need time to realise it was time to walk away. She sounds horrible btw

Thank you this is helping me to feel better.
Yes it's true I am mourning the friendship, there were still many good times but it's true that we feel how we feel for a reason. We don't have to put up with situations we don't like and that is our choice.

She sounds awful. However you can't tell an adult how they should behave. You have to accept the way she is or not be friends.
Sympathy though - a long friendship ending feels just like being dumped. Find better friends (easier said than done especially in lockdown)

You're right it's her choice indeed and I said that to her. I just didn't want anymore to talk about it daily and to give her "tips" on how to get him , doesn't that make me just as bad?

@Joeyjay

Your friend sounds very immature, like a teenager !

Your friend is just a emotional USer !

She is pissed off with you as you have developed a backbone and are no longer her go to for Constant supply of ego booster !

She can not handle it,having home truths being told.

She is very manipulative person too.

I think she has some kind of personality disorders like Narcasstic tendancies, and maybe something else too.

She your friend sounds a really Crap friend.

Who is very selfish.

Focus on connecting with better people in your life,who are better for emotionally for you.

Make better friends.

Also explore the idea of therapies to see which ones beneficial to improve your self esteem op.

Why do you put up,accept this kind of crap from a so called friend?
When other people would not accept this at all from other people.

You are far too good for her op.

You are being taking for a mug op
You deserve better op.