Cut a friend out, feel awful

[Joeyjay]

I messaged on here regarding a friend I've had for a few years. I was advised to simply stop replying or to block, but didn't feel good doing this so I told her how I felt.

The issues were that she's having some sort of emotional affair with an engaged man, keeps commenting that the girlfriend is jealous/paranoid and that the man has to make excuses about where he's going etc. And wants him to break up with the girlfriend for her.

A habit of finding the negative in good news and being very dismissive,and never asking me anything about me.

She has gossiped about me to others over the years.

I'm just struggling to get over stuff over the years, like I went away with her for a few days and she called me a boring grandma behind my back and laughed when I got lost in a new city and separated from everyone.

Anyway i told her that I didn't wish to speak about this man daily any longer. She replied "Oh i thought we were friends, my bad " and other comments.

I told her that it was my right to not want to talk about it and to not agree with what she is doing etc. And that it wasn't fair how one sided it all was.

She sent me 20 messages, most of which i didn't read but some were attacking me. I understand she is defensive as nobody wants to hear about their behaviour.
She said she would be sad to not speak to me again but if was my choice. I tried to explain that I wanted to sort it out, she wasn't a bad person and it was just a difference in personalities but that I was struggling to get over her behaviours over the years and i had tried to talk before but to no avail.

I said that it was sad and she did too. There have been a lot of great moments but I feel what she's done is unfair. Anyway woke up to find I was deleted on all social media channels.

It's not that i don't ever want to speak again, just didn't want that and it was so one sided. However i feel awful. There have also been great times and conversations.

Has anyone got advice? Does this feeling go eventually? She seemed shocked and sad but hopefully will realise.

Thanks everyone, I've woken up today feeling better and much more like it was the right thing. I remember when I broke up with a guy after a few months and she 'banned' me from speaking about it the day after he dumped me as 'we had spoken about it enough' yet it's ok for her to send daily messages about this guy for 2 years. I told her this too.

I always had to be the one visiting her, even abroad, and she never seemed grateful. Once when I went she was ill so snappy and taking it out on me, then we skyped with this mutual friend and suddenly she was all happy and gushing. She couldn't even be bothered meeting me at the bus stop even though I had travelled 200 miles to her, so gave me directions to her front door.
So much like this.
I'm angry at myself for being a doormat and not cutting her out earlier but this thread has helped me and I will move on. Thanks

I remember your previous thread.

She really didn't deserve more of your time but I understand wanting to sort things if possible.

I think you've done the right thing. She would have taken more and more from you, and given nothing back.

It is hard to move on, because you have been involved with her for a long time, but as time passes you will start to wonder why you put up with her for so long.

She is not your friend, she is nothing even close to a real friend.

It hurts to know we have been used, it hurts realise that she does not give a damn about you, and probably never did. But at least you have woken up now, you have taken the brave decision to cut her out of your life. I would delete her numbers and all contacts today and start spending some time with someone nicer if I were you. If you can't find a better friend due to the lockdown now, make a plan for when you will. A short list of the best places to meet people in your area, old friends you lost touch with etc.

Next time a friend stops asking you how you are, taking an interest. Take that as the early warning sign that this friendship is doomed and take a step back or three. Users and abusers have all the same hallmarks usually, look out for them next time you meet a new friend. Have some gold standards on how you wish to be treated, and what you won't put up with going forward.

Honestly, you are better off without her. The world is a big old place and we’re here for such a short time. Don’t waste any of it with people who treat you baldly. There are lots of lovely people out there to find and be friends with.

Thanks everyone. Yes it has been a long time , but I know I will move on. Friendships are not prison sentences and can end any time for any reason, nobody stays friends with everybody forever. Feeling better.

My advice is to remove her from your life.
Her negativity will bring you down.
If you can't completely cut her out,at least protect yourself before seeing her by putting a cloak of protection on or wear hematite(not for long periods at a time).

Glad you're standing to feel better. If she has been part of your life for a long time, you're not going to feel different over night. Each day, feel good that you no longer have to put up with being her sounding board. Don't try to find what she's up to or what's she's been saying. Move on, be grateful that you're unlikely to bump into her if she lives abroad and don't waste anymore time thinking about her.
Well done too for taking everyone's advice😀