When you were young..

[Bingiswhiney]

What did you expect your life to be like when you ‘Grew up?’
Has it surpassed your expectations or let you down?

From the outside my life is so much better than what I thought I'd end up with. Nice enough cars, nice home, nicer area, kids well turned out. I have the choice what work I do, have a decent and interesting career, usually nice holidays. Not at all what I was conditioned to believe life was like. I always thought I'd struggle with the water bill, its all I ever saw as a kid.

On the other hand, I never thought that my mental health would ever quite be the problem it is. I'd trade most of the above (not the well turned out kid!) If I could just be happy.

I imagined I'd be married by 25 and have two little girls (my Mum and Auntie are very close, as are my sister and I so I assumed I'd replicate that). Growing up with a very hard working Dad who went through the threat of redundancy from his factory job many times, I wanted a job where I would wear a suit and carry a briefcase and have an office with my name on the door. I think I thought it would mean financial security. I was going to live in NYC for a year.

I didn't leave home properly until 25. I married my original childhood sweetheart at 29. I was widowed at 34. No children. Never did make it to living alone until now, never mind living in NYC. Still never even been there. I did become a solicitor but in the present day of constant reforms and redundancies (been lucky so far), open plan offices and now WFH in comfies.

Life has not been as I expected but I have a lovely family including my beautiful niece, fantastic friends, a decent job and a great boyfriend. Oh and my cat!

I thought I’d ride for GB - I didn’t, very disappointing

I wanted to live in London, be a teacher, married to the great love of my life and with two kids. I lived in London for a while and adored it but was priced out and now live in NI by the sea. I hated teaching but now do a job I enjoy. I married the great love of my life but was widowed in October at 36. I lost our DS during pregnancy but have one amazing 3yo DD who is everything I could ask for from a child.

My life is nothing like I expected. I'm sad about some parts of that and happy about others.

@peachgreen from one young widow to another, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Never thought I would get married or have kids - was a married mother with two stepchildren at 22. Always wanted to be a journalist - that never happened either but I'm glad, in retrospect I would have been too shy.

I also didn't imagine being widowed at 39, but then who does? I have a lovely life despite my grief, a career that I would have considered out of reach previously, and have known the love of one of the kindest men in the history of the world (yes I'm biased). So while it isn't the life I anticipated, I am glad it's the life I have had. (Although if DH could still be here it would be a million times more lovely).

And to you @Seren85. It gives me hope to see someone who has been through this and found happiness.

@peachgreen I'm not gonna lie, I'm only 14 months out and it's tough but I decided that since he chose to leave (I know that the circumstances are specific in my case), I chose to live for me and still love him quietly.

I thought/Hoped one day id meet someone nice and settle down and have a couple of boys which I have..

Never envisioned the sadness a lot of adult life brings though or my health being as crap as its been over the years through no fault of my own..

I aspired to live in one of those 1930s Tudorbethan detached houses.
My tastes have changed somewhat in the interim but I have surpassed my youthful dreams!

When I was little I remember Ben Bailey building some 4 bedroom houses (with en-suite!!) near my grandmas house and thinking they were absolutely gorgeous. Everyone I knew lived in a terrace or a council house.
My grandma used to say they were where the “money people” lived.

Fast forward 30 years and I live in one of the “money people” houses and it brings me a lot of joy because it’s spacious and beautiful.

I remember the first time granny came to see it and she thought it was fabulous, I felt like “I’d arrived” - all the work on my career had been worth it for that moment.

My best friend and I used to say we’d never get married or have kids, but get good jobs and move to London away from where we grew up and live interesting independent lives. She fulfilled this, until she unfortunately got cancer and died just before Xmas in her early 40s. I however am married with two children and live very near where we grew up. I have a so-so job, with above average pay although nothing like MN levels of pay that is probably the best fit for me but I’d give up in a heartbeat if I could. DS will go to my old secondary school year next year which my young self would have been horrified about. However I love my family and feel genuinely happy and contented with life. I just feel sad I can no longer catch up with BF.

I always knew that I wanted to live alone, to be independent and to live in a big city.
The life I imagined was me being a "business woman working in a company", I was living in a small clean pink flat with a white cat.

Well, I have a dog, and only one of my walls is pink but otherwise, it's exactly where I am and I couldn't be happier.

I wished for a life without attachments so I could concentrate on being a musician and travelling the world doing so like many of my friends actually do.

Then I met a man who turned my head and persuaded me to have children. Definitely not the life I wished for, but I wouldn't change my children for the world.

I wanted to be a teacher and achieved that in my 30s only to discover that I didn’t particularly enjoy it. However, I used it as a stepping stone to a successful and highly enjoyable career in higher education. I wanted to travel - Paris seemed exotic when I was growing up - and I’ve done more than I could have imagined which came home to me last year in India when I watched a man tapping a tree for rubber, just like I’d seen in geography lessons so many years ago.

I was going to live a nomadic solitary life in a caravan, driving round Britain and Europe, writing books.
None of that happened - yet. 🙂

I was a fucking idiot when young. I fell for the lies they teach you, that if you work hard in life you will succeed. That's bullshit of course, hard work and success are not related in that way.

My expectation was a husband, 2 or 3 kids by the time I was 30, a walkable, easy admin job in a "team leader" kind of role and to live in a nice little semi detached somewhere pleasant but ultimately dull. The dream was to live in a posh big house with a herd of dogs and to rescue donkeys. Both scenarios i envisaged me permanently having my shit together and acing "adulting".

Now I have a good job but constant imposter syndrome, one child post 30 and feel like I'm pretending to be an adult most of the time and about to be found out.

I thought I was going to be a rich, glamorous writer living in a lot apartment in New York, with a gorgeous man and possibly some children somewhere in the background behaving nicely .

I did become a journalist and lead quite a glamorous life in my twenties, and I visited NYC a lot, although never lived there. My life took a swift left turn around 30 for a range of reasons and in my 40s I am very definitely NOT living the life I dreamed about.

But dreams change! I’m happy with my life now, although ‘young me’ would have thought it was terribly pedestrian. Living in the suburbs, two teen DC, working in the public sector, tee total and prefer a good book to a night out. I’d have been horrified at middle aged me .

loft apartment

Good question actually. I come from a grim northern town too and had my share of shit there, being born to poverty. I wanted to get out and I managed that. I’ve had a far more interesting life than my lowly birth status and aspirations could have led me to expect. But economically it’s been a disaster as all the promises about working hard and getting rewards have been turned to lies by the grabby generations before us. I do have my own house now but it was far too hard and too long a journey with far too many sacrifices - including a move out of the region I lived and worked in - which both the extremely rich kids with family support and the extremely poor with state support got far more easily with no need to struggle. The generations behind me from my background have it harder. I feel like a mug for working for it, but I never had the choice.

I remember being about 10 or 11, and insisting that when I grew up I was going to live on my own with a load of cats, and be known locally as the woman who is probably a witch.

My life has turned out far more mundane. But I guess there's always time.

I didn't have any aspirations beyond getting horrible school out of the way as I had a miserable time there. Fast forward many, many years and I'm divorced with 4 adult children, one of whom still lives with me. However, I have a reasonable job that suits my life, was diagnosed with asd last year which explained so much to me and whilst now money would definitely be useful, I'm pretty content with what I have.

I’m also concerned about the increasing aggression and violence in Britain and the lies that cover most of it up. Quality of life covers these issues and more.

peachgreen and Seren85, I was widowed at 35 (DH was 36), so my life also didn’t work out as planned. That was 30 years ago, and I still miss DH, who was my soulmate.
Seren, I an so sorry that you have the extra pain of it being your DH’s choice, but such decisions are made irrationally in the depths of depression and are no reflection on you.
We have all had a tough deal, but I hope all three of us can still find things in life to enjoy and live for. My two DDs are a delight for me, despite losing their dad when they were babies, they both have a very positive attitude to life.