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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask DD to be honest with me

36 replies

randomstuff · 15/02/2021 14:33

DD is 16 and I have asked to be more open and honest with me. We had a good chat about things and she mentioned she sometimes smokes weed with her friends. The conversation ended, but now she has asked if she can meet a friend in the park, she told me she plans to smoke. I agreed to her going, as I had asked her for honesty but now I don't like what I am hearing. What do I do? I can't punish her for telling me she plans to smoke when I asked her to be honest with me.

OP posts:

suspiria777 · 15/02/2021 14:46

what were you hoping to achieve by getting her to be honest? that's a serious query, not a sarcastic reply btw. you obviously had an end in mind by broaching the subject... knowing that/reminding yourself of that might help to steer you in the right direction.

blueluce85 · 15/02/2021 15:06

I smoked weed as a teen, whilst not ideal, the other morals and ideals that were instilled in me by my parents just made it a fun escape and wasn't the main factor in my life. However, I never told my parents and always snuck off and they wouldn't even know where I was. At least take comfort in her telling you her true whereabouts

MaLarkinn · 15/02/2021 15:17

Yikes, I would not be happy with my 16 year old dd smoking weed.

Does honesty = permission?

PanamaPattie · 15/02/2021 15:20

Don’t ask teenagers to be honest. It won’t end well.

TheLaughingGenome · 15/02/2021 15:23

My DC are early 20s now. Who really has all the answers? I don't.

One thing I suppose I have learned is that boundaries are a two-way deal - I was teaching my DC boundaries while sometimes neglecting my own with them. it's ok to say, 'I don't like you doing that. It worries me. It makes you potentially vulnerable.' It doesn't necessarily need a big immediate denouement.

Theimpossiblegirl · 15/02/2021 15:25

It's so hard. You want the open dialogue but then you know stuff you'd probably rather not. It's good she's open, but now she thinks you're fine with it.

You need to be honest back and have a good talk about why you don't think weed or drugs in general are not a good choice. You don't have to condone it.

Also, if they're sharing are they even covid safe?

Ancientruins · 15/02/2021 15:34

Op open conversation is good. She trusted you with that information.

And fwiw I think you were right to let her go this time and this shouldn't be about punishment. I would be sitting down with her on another occasion though and having a discussion and telling her all the reasons why smoking weed at sixteen is a bad idea. This time I would just tell her to keep safe, that and you look forward to talking another time.

www.talktofrank.com/get-help/worried-about-a-child.

Ancientruins · 15/02/2021 15:38

that you have concerns and you look forward to talking another time

Ancientruins · 15/02/2021 15:42

Trying again with link. www.talktofrank.com/

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 15:46

You asked her to be honest but - I assume - didn’t also explain why you needed her to be honest? Because you’re her parent and need to protect her? Smoking weed in the park isn’t what I’d want for my bright, healthy 16 year old daughter. The tobacco is addictive, the drug is illegal and addictive, and I’d hope she could find more productive things to do.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/02/2021 15:55

This is an impossible situation. Been there. We want this open honest relationship, but we can't condone things like this. So we tell them all the reasons smoking weed is a bad idea. So, being a teenager, obviously she's going to carry on doing it, so next time she'll just lie about it. I don't know what the fuck we're supposed to do as parents, I really don't. I wish there was a manual.

IloveFebruary · 15/02/2021 15:59

If you ‘say no’ will she do it anyway? Because if you think there’s a good chance she will, I’d let her but I’d also be very open and honest about all the reasons it’s not a good idea.

If you think she’d stop then ban it!

Littlepaws18 · 15/02/2021 16:01

@MaLarkinn

Yikes, I would not be happy with my 16 year old dd smoking weed.

Does honesty = permission?

This

Playnoh · 15/02/2021 16:06

My mum used to get me to be honest when I was 16 about smoking, I was threatened with grounding if I did it again. I didn’t do it again. I was still honest with her, deep
Down I wanted her to stop me from doing it that’s why I told her. I was still a kid who wanted mum to clean up my mess.

Thatsmycuppa · 15/02/2021 16:16

This is a tricky one. It's good that you dd is honest with you but at the same time you have to spell out what's right and wrong and that's the toughest part of parenting imo. So do have this chat and tell her what she is allowed and what she isn't.

noirchatsdeux · 15/02/2021 16:17

I probably would have died of shock if either of my parents had shown the slightest interest in what I was doing with friends. My friends were all little goody two shoes, but I know that my younger brother got up to a hell of a lot of stuff my parents had no clue about - as serious as housebreaking and dealing drugs. Luckily he got himself back on the right path. My mother still has no idea about most of it.

Conkergame · 15/02/2021 16:17

I think it’s not always good to know what teens are getting up to! Where they are and who they’re with, yes, but not necessarily what they’re doing. Would she really be expected to tell you what she’s going sexually too, for example?!

I think my mum struck a good balance - I never told her I was drinking/ having sex/ smoking weed so she never tried to stop me from going to any particular event or from meeting any particular people, but she did sit me down on a few occasions and gave me the “this is why drinking to excess is bad” talk or the “it’s probably best to only have sex with someone you know well/trust/loves you” talk.

That way I knew what her boundaries were and that helped me set them for myself (I only tried weed once at 15, never again) but also didn’t have to deal with her judging me personally as she didn’t know what I was doing.

In your situation I’d leave it for now and then have a chat with her another time and say “I really appreciate you being honest with me and I’m not going to punish or ground you, but here are the reasons I really would prefer it if you didn’t do weed again.” Then you get the message across without it being confrontational / losing the trust.

itsgettingwierd · 15/02/2021 16:20

Ooooh tough one.

I guess your able is what would happen if caught but you don't want her hiding away to do it either.

Talk about the effects of weed?

I don't have the answer but I know 2 parents who have found out their teen dds are smoking weed.

One grounded her dd and explained why and that it was for her own protection and if she was caught lying once out afterwards the punishment would be greater. Her dd was 15.

The other found out at 14yo her dd was smoking weed at parties (imo she allowed too much freedom at too young an age and it did cause problems) and although she told me she wasn't happy she wasn't prepared to stop her dd going as it's normal for them to experiment with drugs

So no solutions but 2 experiences of friends. What I can say is that teen 1 has really turned herself around and although was the difficult one of her 3 children and the one always in trouble has become the one with most ambition and is most sensible now at 18!

PerseverancePays · 15/02/2021 16:22

How would you feel if she said she was going for a cider/beer? Would that be more acceptable?
Maybe have a conversation about why us humans like to consume mind altering substances when we are socialising.
If you want to minimise your children becoming addicts maybe work on their confidence skills? If they’ve had a trauma, make sure they get therapy for it. Not all trauma ends in addiction but all addicts have had trauma.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 15/02/2021 16:27

All addicts have had trauma? Well that's a crock of shit!

PiscesScot · 15/02/2021 16:28

I was a weed smoking teenager and didn’t know at the time that my mum was well aware (I smoked in my bedroom!). When I asked her later in life why she didn’t say anything, she said that a) it wouldn’t have stopped me (true, I was a stubborn bitch) and b) at least she knew where I was.

Lots of kids try weed and grow out of it. Lots try it and smoke it into adulthood, while being productive members of society. Some are predisposed to conditions which are exacerbated by weed etc.

I think the novelty is likely to wear off if you don’t make a huge deal of it (you can of course have a chat to say why you don’t like it). You’re in a great place if she is telling you this stuff - trust is a two way street. If she ever tries something stronger and she or a friend get in trouble - you want her to feel that she can come to you and be honest.

unbotheredbutbewildered · 15/02/2021 16:29

Playing a risky game if you don't say anything to her about her doing an illegal drug (I'm sure I'll get flamed for saying that!).

BUT, if you don't say anything at what point will you? It's a tricky situation. You should punish her - or at least tell her you're not happy with it and explain what the issues are.

She wouldn't have told you if she didn't want some parenting on it tbh. Also, chances are she'll tell her friends you're 'fine' with her taking drugs if you don't say anything. They're 16 and they'll just keep pushing her to push you if you don't act now.

Branleuse · 15/02/2021 17:37

at 16 I dont think thats particularly weird. At least shes telling you and obviously trusts you not to flip out. make sure shes not sharing joint though during pandemic

Mintjulia · 15/02/2021 17:43

She's been honest with you. That's really good.

Now you need to treat her as a grown up and be honest with her, that you aren't keen, you're worried about it affecting her mental health long term and that it's still a criminal offence. Any criminal record could prevent her perusing a career of her choice.

Then leave it to her to decide.

Original poster

randomstuff · 15/02/2021 21:00

Thanks everyone for the advice. A few of you have hit the nail on the head, she has been through trauma, a few months back and also as a young child (I was a victim of DV from her dad). She is under the care of CAMHS and has emotional dysregulation. She completely drifted from me when she hit her teens and she’s only recently (very recently) started confiding in me.

I’m struggling to deal with her taking weed, part of me wishes I didn’t know (I did plenty of stuff when I was younger and my parents were none the wiser). I also suspect if I come down in her hard she will probably carry on smoking in secret and never confide in me again. I think I will raise it with CAMHS as she is under their care and also talk to her about the effects of it so she knows I’m not condoning it. In an ideal world she stops taking it, my instinct tells me it won’t be so easy! It’s so hard being a parent to a troubled child .

OP posts:

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