To ask DD to be honest with me

[randomstuff]

DD is 16 and I have asked to be more open and honest with me. We had a good chat about things and she mentioned she sometimes smokes weed with her friends. The conversation ended, but now she has asked if she can meet a friend in the park, she told me she plans to smoke. I agreed to her going, as I had asked her for honesty but now I don't like what I am hearing. What do I do? I can't punish her for telling me she plans to smoke when I asked her to be honest with me.

Sorry but almost every single 16 year old smokes weed sometimes... you have to accept it or lock her inside forever

Good luck. I'm a good few years into a similar situation (mental health issues, weed use) and we're by no means out of the woods yet. The only pieces of advice I know are right are keep talking to your teenager, and try not to get angry, and make sure they know you are there for them. It's fucking hard.

@Sweet666 You are probably right, it’s just so hard when it’s your own DD doing it.

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream It sounds like things have been tough for you too. Thanks for the advice. It’s so hard when MH is involved as I find I’m treading on eggshells, and if it wasn’t for all these other issues there is no way in the world I would be so calm and relaxed (on the outside) about everything.

Yes, exactly, it's the MH involvement that makes it all so impossible

As a parent its a fine line to tread as they get older. My own parents always allowed us to have an open dialogue about pretty much anything. Not everything they learned was accepted or permission given but there were always solid reasons or sound advice that allowed us to make an informed choice and in most cases the right choice.
Teenagers by nature are inquisitive and want to explore new experiences, as adults we must guide them past the pitfalls we learned ourselves from our own experiences or know from wisdom passed learned from others. Ultimately they have to make the decision for themselves as to tbe paths they choose.
Certain things were off limits whilst living under my parents roof and out of respect we adhered to those, perhaps you could ask her to respect your limits too.

Honestly it sounds like she’s testing you. So I would go forward with that assumption. You can have the conversation with her about smoking weed, but ai suspect you have already had that and she knows your opinion. How about a different approach... at a later time when this visit with the friend is over. Tell her the truth.

You did ask her to be more open and you didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was to hear it. You’re glad she told you, and you are still figuring out what is an appropriate reaction.

-sidebar here... what is your level of comfort, surely you don’t want all the details of her life, maybe you are more looking for the big stuff. Stuff she needs help with or situations she needs advice... think about it / end sidebar

Now talk to her about what you are looking for, and what kind of things she are normal for a 16yo to keep from their parents. Use yourself as an example!

If my 16 year old planned on smoking weed he wouldn't be going out.

@MissMarpleDarling

If my 16 year old planned on smoking weed he wouldn't be going out.

So you would just keep your teen indoors for the rest of their life then? Good plan.

I'd rather she was smoking weed than drinking 100%.

If she's been through trauma it may be a way for her to relax, unwind, and stop her mind spinning with horrid thoughts. It was for me.

I know it's better to find other coping mechanisms, but be grateful she's found weed rather than alcohol and she isn't out pissed up, with a troubled mind and potentially low self esteem/respect and making awful decisions and letting people take advantage/going missing for days at after parties and leaving you worried.

I found the alcohol first. My mum (who's never even tried a cigarette) was glad when I discovered weed instead.

Thanks everyone. That’s my concern, she is using weed to help her cope with the trauma and life in general. I guess I need to be supportive and hopefully with time and support from CAMHS she learns to find new healthier ways of coping.

Also I understand the comments about not letting her out, not letting her smoke etc. But if I do this she will carry on, but in secret...which in my opinion is worse.