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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBu to think there is more to life than cleaning and tidying??

41 replies

novaparty12 · 15/02/2021 09:37

My DH loves cleaning sorting and tidying. He finds it theraputic and gets lots of enjoyment from it, so for years he has done all the cleaning and housework and I do the laundry cooking and looking after the children. It has worked well because he enjoys it our house always looks clean and tidy. However lately with lockdown and everybody home more it is harder to keep the house clean and tidy and it really gets him down. He says no one respects his hard work- he spends hours on getting the house immaculate then within an hour it is untidy again. I do think when the kids were little he became quite cleaning obsessed so that he didn't have to be involved with the family. It was like his escapism and don't get me wrong he does a fantastic job. However now he is getting cross because I do none of the cleaning and because everyone is home he can't keep up and go to work. Being half term this week I am not working and the kids don't have any work to do so I am hoping to get out for walks and when we are home I am looking forward to catching up with a bit of TV. Our house to me is clean and tidy but to him it is a total bombsite. He never sits down because he is constantly cleaning and tidying but surely that is his choice. Of an evening I enjoy sitting down because I have either been working or home schooling the kids, but he will come in and clean the bathroom (2 hours) , clean all the floors and sometimes the cupboards. Because I am home this week he thinks I should start pulling my weight and spend the week tidying and cleaning, because he actually thinks that maybe he does too much (this is his choice none of expect him to keep the house to the standard that he does!!) I can't honestly see what needs cleaning, he blitzed the house on Saturday. He cleans the bathroom every day and the kitchen literally after every single use. We are uncompatible when it comes to standards. He will never change but I wish I could him to relax just a bit - he does make me feel a bit guilty for wanting some time to do what I enjoy. AIBU to think that life is not all about cleaning and tidying??

OP posts:

ifitpleasesandsparkles · 15/02/2021 09:43

That sounds like an illness. If he can't sit at peace I think the obsessive cleaning is to distract him from whatever is going on in his own head.

He needs some hobbies. He needs an outlet.

CommanderBurnham · 15/02/2021 09:44

I agree. However I do feel better when I have cleaned and tidied. I feel that clutter around me causes clutter in my mind and my anxiety levels really reduce when my house is clean and tidy. So I got a cleaner!

Moomoolandmoomooland · 15/02/2021 09:46

I am your DH and you are my DH.

It is anxiety. I grew up in a messy shit tip. I have terrible anxiety now about having a messy home. Because if I have a messy home it means I have become a terrible person like my mum.

justanotherneighinparadise · 15/02/2021 09:46

So he has OCD and would like you to participate in his mental health problem? Well no, that’s isn’t reasonable is it? Time for a big chat over a quiet sit down I think. Then a GP appointment to see what’s available in terms of support for him.

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 09:51

So normally you both work, but you cook and do childcare (working and homeschooling while he does what?) and he works and cleans? But this week you are off and he’s working? And you still want to not clean at all?

Sounds like one of those shifting situations that’s never going to be entirely fair to anyone to me.

BarbaraofSeville · 15/02/2021 09:52

You can't expect to live in a show home with children and anyone who tries is going to make themselves ill and stress out everyone else in the household.

The Organised Mum covers this and that's how she started - anxiety due to over cleaning.

Suggest your DH reads her blog, podcast and Facebook page and maybe tries her methods.

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 09:52

He cleans the bathroom every day and the kitchen literally after every single use.

Every use or every meal? Like, is he mopping the floor after dinner or is he mopping it after you make a coffee? And how is he managing this when he works outside the home?

Original poster

novaparty12 · 15/02/2021 09:54

It has obviously become a lot more obsessive over lockdown because there is not so much to do. He used to go to the gym three morns or eves a week so that cut down on his cleaning time a bit, It could easily be anxiety based - he doesnt cope with family life very well and it was always used as his way to escape.

OP posts:

Jericha · 15/02/2021 09:57

I have had a similar experience to @Moomoolandmoomooland. In fact the first outwardly obvious sign of my PND was an escalation of this habit.

SatsumasOrClementines · 15/02/2021 09:57

It sounds like he’s struggling. But;

he is getting cross because I do none of the cleaning
You need to pitch in.

Could you draw up a schedule together and split up the tasks? He won’t need to clean the bathroom every day for example if he can fully rely on you to take responsibility for that. And that might help him feel reassured and start to be able to relax.

Runnerduck34 · 15/02/2021 10:00

It does sound a bit OCD.
Having a tidy and clean house makes me more relaxed and I can feel my stress levels rising when there is stuff everywhere or when things are dirty.
However your DH sounds like he is going overboard. I would.muck in and do some things , hoover, tidy, wash kitchen floor etc but i dont think the bathroom takes 2 hours to clean or kitchen needs thorough cleaning after every use other than wipe down surfaces !

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 10:02

And yes, his cleaning sounds like avoidance. Unless you’re the Sultan, your bathroom won’t take 2 hours to clean!

Original poster

novaparty12 · 15/02/2021 10:02

He works shifts so when he is home he literally cleans all the time he is home. When he is at work and he has been out the house for 8 hours because he hasn't been able to clean the kitchen after every use he gets really disheartened. I do try to keep the tidiness up but it is hard between home schooling the kids, my own working hours, shopping and laundry and also I allow myself a little bit of me time maybe just an episode of schitts creek or eastenders and I am looking forward to a bit more this week. My main point to him is that we keep the house clean and tidy so I am allowed a bit of time to myself and that I never ever begrudge him leisure time BUT he chooses to clean to excess therefore leaving him no time for leisure,

OP posts:

BlueJag · 15/02/2021 10:04

Hi does he spend any time with the kids?

AStudyinPink · 15/02/2021 10:05

My main point to him is that we keep the house clean and tidy so I am allowed a bit of time to myself and that I never ever begrudge him leisure time BUT he chooses to clean to excess therefore leaving him no time for leisure,

Well, yes.

Felty · 15/02/2021 10:08

Your dh is using cleaning as a means of managing his anxiety. It sounds very much like he has OCD.
The problem is anxiety and his unhelpful response to it.
The solution to this problem is not for you to increase time you spend cleaning but to talk to your husband about his behaviour and encourage him to seek help managing it.

Babdoc · 15/02/2021 10:09

OP, this sounds like classic OCD. Your DH needs therapy as his cleaning compulsion is escalating and taking over his life.
Please persuade him to contact his GP or a therapist specialising in obsessive compulsive disorder.

Laila747 · 15/02/2021 10:10

It’s difficult...I see where you’re coming from but I’m just like your DH. I love my home and I love it to be clean and tidy. I feel anxious when things aren’t done and won’t sit down in the evening till the kitchen is clean and sorted, washing is ironed and put away etc.
I feel uneasy when the cushions on the sofa are not zip side down, when shoes are left by the front door, when beds aren’t made, when OH leaves his paperwork on the dining table. I can’t help it, it’s just how I am...although I can see it would be infuriating for others.
I think it’s about realising a balance of expectations. I know my OH isn’t bothered about the sofa cushions or shoes by the front door, so when I’m moving things or turning things the right way up, he no longer comments, just leaves me to it. He will clean up, hoover, mop floors etc and I’ll do all the extra little bits. He no longer complains about my obsessive cleaning and I no longer expect him to match my obsessive cleaning.

dreamingbohemian · 15/02/2021 10:11

I don't think you should write this off as 'he will never change'. This is not different standards, he has a mental health problem. If he is willing to get help, things might change!

If not, well I would be wondering why you want a man who is constantly trying to escape family life to be part of your family.

user1493413286 · 15/02/2021 10:12

Since having DC I’ve had to work really hard at my compulsion for everything to be clean, tidy and organised. If it was up to me my house would be incredibly minimalist although obviously with children that’s not really possible. My DH is quite messy and I accepted fairly soon after moving in with him that I couldn’t expect that he would keep everything as tidy as I’d want it to be. I can’t relax if things are a mess but I don’t think expect DH to do the same.

Oldraver · 15/02/2021 10:13

No bathroom needs cleaning for two hours a day, your DH obviously has a problem and the answer IS NOT for you to up your cleaning game

Does he ever spend time with the dc's ?

bananaboats · 15/02/2021 10:16

I think you need to have a chat with him, he sounds exactly like my mum and tbh it was a nightmare growing up in a house like this and caused many arguments over the years. Even now I don't particularly like visiting as the place is like a show home and it's impossible to relax when you are there.

Bella43 · 15/02/2021 10:21

I hear you OP. I had an ex partner who was like your DH. Everyone thought it must be lovely to be with a man so clean and tidy. I found it unnerving. I could never relax at his place. He'd tell me off if I dared to sit! I always had to be mucking in. His house was gleaming. He'd be re-cleaning, not cleaning. After every oven-cooked meal he'd take the whole oven apart - racks would come out, glass from the front of the oven would come out and scrubbed. I can still picture him sat in the kitchen with the glass on his lap and the most concentrated expression as he scrubbed and scrubbed. We'd only cooked chicken nuggets and oven chips for the kids! It just wasn't right how obsessed he was with cleanliness. His family refused to visit him because of it. One day I was drinking a lovely cup of coffee there, went to the toilet and when I came back it was gone. I searched all around the house for it thinking I must've put it down somewhere different to what I thought. He shouted, 'What are you looking for?!' I said, 'My coffee.' He shouted, 'It's gone!' He'd tipped out the contents while I was in the bathroom, washed the mug, dried it and put it back in the cupboard in the few minutes I'd been on the toilet! His reason? He said I shouldn't have left it and that anything left he will assume is dead. Funnily enough, our relationship was dead in the water after that. It was a damn good cup of coffee. I'm still not over it. And don't get me started on the time he 'reorganised the homescreen on my phone' when I was out of the room because it was 'too messy.'

AubergineDream · 15/02/2021 10:35

My ex liked to live in a show home. It was unnecessary and exhausting. I've probably gone too far the other way now, house is a bit of a mess, but me and the DCs are so much happier being able to actually have things out. They play more freely. We do art work and crafts.
I grew up with my Dad being the show home type too. Couldn't put your drink down. Every time you've sat down you'd have to lift your feet up to be hoovered or mopped around. My other siblings are the same, obsessively tidy and clean. One has found a partner who is the same level clean/tidy, the other cleaned and tidied their DP out of their (very clean) home and now lives alone. I know they are not comfortable in my home because it's chaotic but I know it gets cleaned regularly.

itsgettingwierd · 15/02/2021 10:40

Yes there is.

However I have to admit my house has never been cleaner than when in lockdown! But only because I'm bored and have the time.

Obsessively doing it above all else isn't healthy imo.

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