AIBu to think there is more to life than cleaning and tidying??

[novaparty12]

My DH loves cleaning sorting and tidying. He finds it theraputic and gets lots of enjoyment from it, so for years he has done all the cleaning and housework and I do the laundry cooking and looking after the children. It has worked well because he enjoys it our house always looks clean and tidy. However lately with lockdown and everybody home more it is harder to keep the house clean and tidy and it really gets him down. He says no one respects his hard work- he spends hours on getting the house immaculate then within an hour it is untidy again. I do think when the kids were little he became quite cleaning obsessed so that he didn't have to be involved with the family. It was like his escapism and don't get me wrong he does a fantastic job. However now he is getting cross because I do none of the cleaning and because everyone is home he can't keep up and go to work. Being half term this week I am not working and the kids don't have any work to do so I am hoping to get out for walks and when we are home I am looking forward to catching up with a bit of TV. Our house to me is clean and tidy but to him it is a total bombsite. He never sits down because he is constantly cleaning and tidying but surely that is his choice. Of an evening I enjoy sitting down because I have either been working or home schooling the kids, but he will come in and clean the bathroom (2 hours) , clean all the floors and sometimes the cupboards. Because I am home this week he thinks I should start pulling my weight and spend the week tidying and cleaning, because he actually thinks that maybe he does too much (this is his choice none of expect him to keep the house to the standard that he does!!) I can't honestly see what needs cleaning, he blitzed the house on Saturday. He cleans the bathroom every day and the kitchen literally after every single use. We are uncompatible when it comes to standards. He will never change but I wish I could him to relax just a bit - he does make me feel a bit guilty for wanting some time to do what I enjoy. AIBU to think that life is not all about cleaning and tidying??

Sounds like he has ocd. That level of cleaning isn't reasonable

You are not being unreasonable at all OP. You do all the cooking, laundry and childcare - he is getting off lightly in comparison by just doing the cleaning. It's up to him how long he spends on it, and it's totally unfair of him to want to eat into your free time by doing some of it.

Don't budge OP! Of course you should be allowed some chill out time to watch telly. You shouldn't feel guilty about that either.

Yes, it's possible he has a mental health problem and you should support him in getting help for that. But not by doing any cleaning! That will not improve his issues and it will mean you lose out on your well earned relaxation time.

I agree that it sounds like a coping mechanism but in the current climate, with everyone home, it sounds like as though it's causing him more anxiety than helping manage stress though, which I can understand.

I like a tidy house and find physical clutter makes my mind feel vlittered, but expectations of a showhome tidy house, are just unrealiatic, especially at the moment and it's unfair on everyone else who lives in the house. He needs to find another outlet for his stress - this one sounds like a vicious circle.

Cleaning the house and keeping it organised does not typically take the same amount (or more) time than all childcare/cooking/laundry/food shopping.

So he either needs to spend that much time doing it due to mental health/anxiety issues or he is choosing to spend that much time on it as a way of avoiding everything else.

I suspect its MH/OCD/Anxiety, so I'd sit down and discuss this with him one evening and ask if he had considered this and, for the good of the family, what he plans to do about it.

Surely 2 hours a day on the bathroom isn’t normal? That does sound like an extreme level of cleaning, if you did the bathroom for 10 minutes yourself would he be likely to leave it, or would he feel the need to go in and re-do it for hours?

Reminds me of these videos on YouTube where women do 'clean with mes' - just don't get it, and he needs to get a grip

Yanbu op. I would find it extremely stressful, actually impossible, to live with someone this fussy.

I really feel for you.

I love a good ‘clean with me’😁

But they never spend 2 hours cleaning a bathroom.

OP, this sounds like classic OCD.

Not really.
OCD usually means a person has obsessive, intrusive thoughts, which compel them to perform ritualistic behaviours even though they don't want to.

I'd agree your husband should seek help though.

@SatsumasOrClementines

It sounds like he’s struggling. But;

he is getting cross because I do none of the cleaning
You need to pitch in.

Could you draw up a schedule together and split up the tasks? He won’t need to clean the bathroom every day for example if he can fully rely on you to take responsibility for that. And that might help him feel reassured and start to be able to relax.

I disagree, not because it isn't fair, but because it doesn't seem to fit the scenario.

Her DH is overly anxious and not able to relax in a messy environment, and it seems his standards are unrealistic in a family home.

I am affected by my environment too, and have had to teach myself to accept a good balance - leaving the sink full of dishes if I'm wrung out, not skipping the laundry endlessly if I don't feel like it.

OP pitching in doesn't address the issue of not relaxing if there's a speck of dust in a different room.

OP - would it be possible to have the lounge organised in such a way that it can be "perfect" each evening? My sister has a couple of big toy hampers that slot into the coffee table and everything gets unceremoniously shoved in there at the end of the day. I find that having havens of tidiness makes me feel less overwhelmed by continuous mess all around the house.

How on earth can you spend 2 hours a day cleaning a bathroom??
How much cleaning product are you getting through a week? The fumes must be unbearable.
Plus hasn't it been shown that too much cleaning means you're never exposed to any forms of bacteria, dust, pollen etc which could weaken your immune systems?

You need to be honest with him. Of course you don't respect his "hard work". At best it is a displacement activity from doing the emotionally tough part of engaging with his family, at worst it is a full blown disorder.
Some people colour in when stressed, others play instruments or run. He has to realise that the cleaning is a coping strategy (a mal-adaptive one at that!) not a contribution to family life.

I agree with you @thecatsthecats but I do also think a schedule and the OP being a part of that may help.

Eg if the bathroom is always cleaned Mon, Wed, Sat then when it’s ‘unclean’ (in his eyes) on Tuesday then he may be able to reassure himself that it will be done again tomorrow and be able to walk away from it.

Another one here who has an ex like this - he had mental health issues and the stress his cleaning caused was immense. At first it seemed great that he was houseproud and not a manchild but quickly it became clear that he had an issue. He would hoover 4 or 5 times a day, he would remove his seatbelts from the car once a week to wash them (I didn't even know you could do this), he would clean the traps under the sinks weekly, he literally never sat and watched tv, he always had to be cleaning something. It was exhausting and added to our relationship falling apart very quickly.

@SatsumasOrClementines but in that case the DH should also join in a schedule for the cooking, laundry and childcare, no?

@Muskox absolutely!!